Life Principle: Expect Nothing

I EXPECT NOTHING

These are three words, and one of nine idioms, I repeat to myself at least three times a day as part of my journey to live in this strange Human world; attempting to keep my addiction to control, compulsive negative thoughts and anxious tendencies at bay while also focusing on supporting and loving the Humans around me instead of shitting on them. 

Expectations are the probably the #1 way that Humans set each other, as well as themselves, up for failure. I can't, and won't, attempt to speak for anyone but myself but here's what I know: when I come to expect something, either of some situation, someone in particular, or even of myself, falling short of that expectation creates sadness, resentment or worst of all, disappointment. A super hyped up blockbuster hits theatres and ends up falling short of my excitement, I go to a concert but the band I love fails to play my favourite song, I give a friend the perfect birthday present but when my birthday comes around all I get is a belated two-word Facebook post, I go to an interview but instead of acting like the intelligent professional I'm capable of being I allow my Wild Card to derail my chances of landing the job (an archetype I frequently allow to disrupt my more noble ambitions). These kinds of scenarios happen constantly, but it wasn't until I became aware of my expectations that I began to understand that I can actually control the degree to which I allow these things to effect my happiness. So here is the magical, highly logical and perfectly balanced equation (after all, I am a scientist) I constructed to make life a little easier:

Zero Expectations = Zero Disappointments

After awhile it became easy for me to go out to movies, shows, vacations or even mundane shopping trips accepting that I decided to go and make the best of it, expecting these events to be neither mind-blowingly awesome nor God-awful. Once I learned to expect nothing, any amount of entertainment value became a gigantic plus and an easy win; happiness ensues! I learned to expect nothing and everything I received became a bonus. 

Well, the material crap is easy. Allow me to assume that my audience, like me, find expecting things from others, as well as themselves, the most difficult tasks when it comes to practicing this principle. Trust me when I say that there's a reason I repeat this phrase to myself almost constantly with regards to my relationships. I put a lot of time and energy into the people I love; I plan elaborate activities, write notes, design surprises, perform favours without question or promise of compensation, buy and/or creates things, loan money and make other personal sacrifices for them. I'm not even completely sure why I do these things, it's just something I accept about myself; it makes me happy to do things for others. Once someone has earned my trust and love, which isn't particularly hard and often isn't even a choice I give them, I am completely devoted. In the past, however, what ended up happening is that I did all these things EXPECTING RECIPROCITY without even realising it. I went 25 years thinking these expectations were fair; I put in effort so surely so would they, right? Wrong. When my friends and family repeatedly fell short of my expectations, I felt disappointed, unloved and unappreciated.  Only after becoming aware of these unfair expectations in relation to my loved ones' actions and behaviours was I able to see that I was first placing them on a pedestal, then kicking it out from underneath them. When they fell I created resentments and so did they, which obviously only functioned to damage my relationships; it even ruined a few. Please join me in accepting one critical fact, people do what they feel is best for them, not what is expected of them. This is a right that we all have and which should be honoured and respected by all. In this way I came to see that loving my friends and family meant doing things for them because I wanted to, respecting their choices to act as they felt necessary regardless of any brownie points my actions may have accrued.

So here are two examples; and just to prove that I still don't have this shit licked one is prior to my transformation, but the other is very recent. Spoiler alert, the first relationship was lost, but happily, the second continues to grow and thrive; I firmly believe it does so because of my steadfast commitment to this life principle. 

1) One my dearest friends was about to turn 25. She was the first of our college group to do so, though I'd known her longest as we'd worked together since our senior years of high school. It had been 3 years since we'd all gotten together, having dispersed after graduation to various regions of the US to make an attempt at life. I've always been a planner, so I put these skills to use scheming with the other girls to surprise the birthday girl with a destination celebration in Viva Las Vegas. The only thing I asked her to pay for was the plane ticket, the other girls and I covered the rest, including a ticket to the Thunder From Down Under Show. She knew only that the trip involved flying, and she incorrectly assumed we'd be going back to the region of New York that we came from since we were then living in Denver. Once we got to the airport and checked-in she inspected her boarding pass and looked at me with a mixture of confusion, anger and awe when she saw that our destination was Las Vegas. She had yet to find out that our friends were meeting us there. Well, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but I can iterate with certainty it was 3 days of pure debauchery. Five gorgeous  mostly single ladies on the loose, and one with a knack for talking her way in-to and out-of questionable situations (two guesses who). My newly created thinner and confident Self made sure our group got into clubs without waiting and ensured that free drinks were provided. I was exceedingly proud of myself, surely my friend now knew how special she was and how much I loved her. After giving what I perceived to be the perfect birthday gift, I became frustrated when she'd get upset with me over petty things and became confused and hurt when no such grand gestures were reciprocated. Every so often I'd think, "What and ungrateful 'you know what'!, Doesn't she remember what I did for her? Isn't she grateful?!" Well, I won't reiterate the sticky tale, but our friendship ended at her request a couple of years later; something that ate at me for some time. Yet after my transformation and considerable hindsight contemplation I gained some startling clarity. That trip wasn't for my friend, it was for me. I basically used her birthday as an excuse to flaunt my new body in the one place I knew it would noticed and objectified appropriately, with a group of girls I could finally compete with on the sexy scale. My friend was nothing like me. Introverted and shy, Vegas is the last place she would choose to have her 25th birthday and, truth be told, she had a bit of a lousy time. What right did I have to expect reciprocity for my selfish gift?  

2) Well people, I fell in love with a Kiwi, enjoying all the benefits and frustrations of being romantically involved after a lengthy hiatus. Fairly early I discovered that learning to recognize the gifts that one gives in a relationship, how we express and even define love, is as important as being able to recognize how one's partner reciprocates those sentiments. One way to get to know these things is taking the 5 love languages quiz, but I'm still back to dealing with the same conundrum: UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF RECIPROCITY. I've already stated the kinds of things I like to do for those I love, but it took me awhile to recognise the kinds of things that my partner did to illustrate his love and appreciation. Since he loves in a different way, I experienced a difficult period of time where I felt the relationship was completely one-sided and soon began to doubt the relationship would last. Then I asked myself, what would happen if I stopped giving my gifts because my partner doesn't reciprocate them? I'd surely lose a piece of myself that I cherish because for me the act of giving is better than receiving; but do I have the emotional maturity to let go of expecting reciprocity? Can I give without receiving and recreating resentments? Do I really want the same notes and little recordings that I give? The answer is No. I treasure his creativity, everyday acts of service, ability to make me laugh and view things from a completely different perspective. The question then becomes: Can I accept that my partner will never make some grand gesture or surprise me with expensive gifts? Is he enough for me, precisely the way he is without changing anything? The answer is Yes. I cannot and do not wish to control how he loves me or how he defines his love, it enough for me that he makes that claim. I have made the conscious decision to trust and love him unconditionally, but doing so requires that I practice this principle continually, because loving someone unconditionally means having no expectations of them. Critically, this can also be applied to the Self.

So is there ever a time when setting expectations are reasonable and fair? Yes, I believe so. The difference is that those expectations must be effectively communicated and understood by all parties concerned. Letting each other know and understand the repercussions of falling short of those expectations to mitigate the manifestation of damaging resentments. For example, my partner understands that if he tells me he's going to do something, he'd damn well better do it; but the solution is as easy as not telling me he's going to do something. That way everything he does is unexpected and appreciated.

The point is that expecting nothing of others sets everyone up for success. So the next time a feeling of distinct ickiness creeps in, ask "Did I have some sort of expectation that never materialized and is thus creating resentment and disappointment?" Listen to the answer, accept that 99% of expectations are completely unfounded and unnecessary and practice letting it go in real time. The alternative is continuing to go around feeling entitled, expecting things from people and situations that were never actually promised; it's like creating a "Choose Your Own Adventure: Life, The Disappointment Edition" novel. As for me, I'm writing a happier saga wherein I allow things to happen naturally and respecting other Humans by allowing them to act as they choose and feel is best without expecting them to put me before themselves.

Life Principles: Introduction

Reading even a handful of my blog articles illustrates that I've had my share of struggles with anxiety, panic attacks, and addiction in the elusive forms of an obsession with control and an eating disorder. To put it bluntly, I experience mental illness. From time to time the chemicals in my brain become unbalanced due to stress or others factors beyond my cognitive control. In the past when this happened I fell off the wagon and spiralled down into a dark place where, in the clutches of madness, I destroyed both myself and my relationships. I'm open and honest with these issues with the intent of helping others who may need a bit of guidance regarding how to appropriately disconnect from similar compulsive thoughts and behaviours in their own lives, and come to accept their own mania. Understand that I don't have the ultimate answer as everyone's journey of healing takes a different form, but I do Know the principles I implemented served to change the person I was into the person that I am; one who has a more robust method for navigating these rough patches so that I can protect myself and, most importantly, my support network. I can state proudly, and with absolute confidence, that I am a completely different person; I've not experienced a full-blown panic attack in almost three years. It takes constant reinforcement and practice, but preserving my sanity and cultivating loving, lasting relationships is more than worth the effort. This work has allowed me to first accept, and then unconditionally love who I am, despite my past experiences and proclivity for flipping my shit. My method is simple: Replace negative thoughts and behaviours, whether anxious, depressed, addictive or rage-sodden in nature, with more positive, constructive and healthy habits. Ones that expand the distance between the person that is and the new and improved version that is being created. 

I therefore propose a series I'm calling "Life Principles," which will deconstruct and explain the ideals that have effected my own personal growth. Principles I have changed throughout the years to suite my particular needs in the present, but repeat multiple times a day, everyday, to keep me balanced and hold the madness at bay. These principles were collected across a plethora of both spiritual and scientific based literature. I also transcended the 12-Steps of AA, which I've mentioned in a previous and rather brilliant article, recognising its undisputed reputation to heal an addictive Mind. My issue was not alcohol, but replace alcohol with anxious thoughts or a need to control and it is clear that I am a tried and true addict nonetheless. Admittedly, some of these concepts are deeply spiritual and flat-out strange to someone without a High Power, so people should pick and choose as they see fit and interpret these principles through their own filter. I'm not about to judge anyones' beliefs or speculate that a Higher Power is necessary to make these changes. Again, everyones' path is different and I did not start off as spiritual as I have become, but I must concede that spirituality served to deepen my experience and sense of empowerment. Regardless, the only things a person truly need to address their mental illness in whatever form it presents itself is an understanding of the underlying issue, a sincere desire to change and the steadfast belief that they hold the courage, power and determination to effect that change. Be well, be happy.

At first I debated listing my principles, wanting to harbour them and keep them secret; the result of all my hard work. They likely won't make sense to others as they are part of my four year spiritual journey. I've decided to state them here, however, with the promise of explaining their meaning (to me) in further detail in subsequent articles. For now read them, give them meaning and use them to practice where relevant and as needed.

I accept my feelings, and I know they will change.

I celebrate emotions and appreciate their beauty.

I manifest love and happiness.

I make conscious decisions to act with an intention of love.

I expect nothing.

I know that worrying, obsessing and controlling are illusions.

I am patient and accept my lack of control.

I operate on God time.

I let go of who I was a and love who I am.

Definition: Patience

Patience: Awareness and acceptance that one has no control over the external components of their life; most notably, those matters pertaining to other People.

A recent experience led me to contemplate this, for me, extremely elusive quality. I've touched on my internal struggle with Patience in previous articles, but it wasn't until I realized the true nature of this trait that it dawned on me why it seems to remain slightly out of my reach. Critically, patience requires a complete acceptance that I do not, and can not, control anything in my life that is outside of my own thoughts, emotions and actions. Simply put, damn near every aspect of life. 'Shit' happens, and the only thing I can control is how I interpret that 'shit', how I feel about that 'shit' and how I decide to act as a result of that 'shit'.  Acting with patience requires acceptance, which is a quality even more elusive to me than patience! I, like most people and particularly Adult Children of Alcoholics and Americans in general, find a lack of control down-right intolerable. In the past to muster up some patience in a disagreeable situation I've often found myself repeating the Serenity Prayer, especially the bit about "accept(ing) the things I cannot change," those which lay beyond my control.

Indeed, a secondary definition of patience might state: Being content and finding serenity in an otherwise uncomfortable situation. Still more interesting in that a listed synonym for patience is self-control, because a patient person understands and accepts that that is the only form of control they possess.

As an example let's visualize some situations that illustrate patience; parents smiling as their children scream hysterically for reasons they can't begin to fathom, a person contentedly chatting to the 30 people in front of them in the DMV line (and whom also didn't lose their shit when they are inevitably told once they are next that they've filled out the wrong forms or were waiting in the wrong line all together), a Gen-X'er attempting to show their parents or grandparents how to copy/paste internet links or find a video on YouTube.  These people have an admirably high tolerance to the influence of other peoples' emotions and actions, nor do they allow themselves to be victimized or held hostage by these stimuli. A small yet significant subset of the World's population, these people are my fucking idols. 

Conversely we can easily think of examples of the opposite scenario, which is unfortunately also much more common. The person getting pissed off at the grocery check out because the clerk failed to enter a sale price properly, someone irate with a barista who accidentally made a latte instead of a cappuccino, the scumbag in Wal-Mart dragging their kid along by their T-shirt as the kid screams something about wanting a candy bar. 

Warning, in true Squirrel fashion I'm about to take this in a completely different direction. Ok, I'll admit it; I got dumped. In an attempt to figure out what the fuck happened I contemplated some of the issues that kept coming up, and the road blocks that ultimately led us to realize the relationship just was not going to work out. I thought perhaps if I could've been more patient, moved slower and learned to be more relaxed, I could have made the relationship work. My problem was that the guy did not seem to want to spend time with me. By his own admission he was a time-selfish person, and since I'm much the same I didn't think it would cause an insurmountable obstacle. This characteristic, however, came to make me feel rejected, confused and resentful. I told myself I was too needy, expected too much and would ruin the relationship because I couldn't relax and accept that I had no right to control how someone else chose to spend their time. For me once I heard "I love you" there should have been a commitment to incorporate into each others lives; a critical difference in our way of thinking and how we expressed love. Everyone told me that I needed to take it slow and be patient. I fought against everything I was feeling instead of just accepting my emotions and feeling secure in who I was and what I needed in a relationship. I'm not a relaxed person, for me patience and acceptance are a process that require time and practice; skills to be honed since they are not inherent to my nature. Instead of supporting and loving myself through that process, I denied my needs and lost my sense of identity (I'll discuss this topic in detail in an episode of Squirrel Radio). This was neither my fault nor his, we just weren't compatible in our relationship needs and/or had different concepts of what constitutes a committed relationship.

What I have come to realize is that patience does not mean moving slowly in an relationship, it means accepting that I have no control over how slowly someone else moves or their other emotional needs. Yet honouring my own needs is paramount and it likewise requires patience; I have no control over where they came from, I just know now that if I deny them my normal happy and loving Self becomes compromised. For a relationship to truly last, these needs should be naturally sated by both people. Though relationships require work and maintenance, efforts being shared equally, I learned that if it feels like something is being forced it's not going to work and that is OK. Sometimes love is simply not enough.

Relationships aside, I've always recognized the usefulness of implementing this quality into my personality; who wouldn't want to act as a serene example amongst a background of chaos? Providing an unrelenting positive example for other Humans to witness, rely on, admire, and hopefully, pay forward. While going through my first transformation in early 2012 I came to understand that my life goals where to learn humility and patience through this Human experience. Well, I've been kicked in the balls by life enough now, mostly in the form of tempering my addict and anxiety driven mental illness, to have learned humility (for the most part, but damn, I do have a lot of kick-ass qualities too!); but I admittedly gave up on the patience component, thinking it wasn't that important after all. Wrong! I now recognize that relent was my inability to surrender control, and I'm thankful for this new perspective so that I can re-attempt the lesson from a different angle.

Though it doesn't come naturally to me, I can learn to possess and embody patience, at least to the degree to which I am capable. It will be extremely difficult, require constant conscious decision-making and continual acceptance to break my old behavioural habits. Remaining serene when what I really want to do is put my foot through a wall or yell at someone to hurry the fuck up is no easy task. Reacting is much easier than choosing to act differently. Yet I'm optimistic that the change will be well worth my effort; especially if it allows me to cultivate healthy relationships, letting them evolve organically instead of forcing them past their innate boundaries. Critically, I want patience with my own emotions and needs. The ability to accept them and let them flow instead of telling myself that I have unreasonable expectations. I am who I am, a pretty, smart, funny, honest, emotional, work in progress; and protecting that inner unconditional love is the only way to ensure that I can give it to someone else.