The Spectrum

Warning: This article includes thought-provoking and awareness-building concepts. Awareness is a one-way street; we cannot go back once certain ideas are presented to us. Proceed with courage and self-compassion.

I wrote Fighting for Funds months ago, but continually felt something was missing. I hadn’t yet sussed out what constitutes true confidence. How do we know when it’s real, both within ourselves and others? We are capable of appearing confident when we actually feel insecure, aka ‘faking it until we make it.’ Conversely, we can be blind to our underlying insecurities and overcompensate by blowing straight past confidence to conceit. Somewhere in the middle we get a sense of ‘I got this’ with no other emotional undertones playing in the background, the sweet spot of security.

Recently, a friend who shares my enthusiasm for mental preponderance helped me locate the missing piece of this puzzle. A culmination of what I attempt to describe in Emotional Dichotomy as well as Waking up to Worth. These concepts lie on a spectrum. What we think versus how we feel constitute the axes of this spectrum, and our inner dialogue allows those two voices to communicate (or not, as the case may be). Each are intellectual centres in their own rite, but in the western world we’re socially conditioned to rely most heavily on our highly logical lizard brains, leaving intuitive gut feelings for post-modern hippies and batty new-age spiritualists. 

Well, here’s what a scientific gypsy has to say about it.

The interaction between these two sources of information (thinking vs feeling), establishes a relationship within ourselves. This is the most essential and meaningful relationship we will ever be in, yet some are dangerously unaware of this partnership, between the two voices of our inner dialogue. Does our brain bully and assert its control over everything, smothering that intuitive voice, deaf to its wisdom-saturated input? Or do we predominantly ‘go with our gut’ and wind up in the shit for making blatantly illogical decisions, all in the pursuit of the warm fuzzies? Balancing on this spectrum requires us to become aware of both what we think and how we feel, and start to tease apart that relationship to come to decisions that are informed by both; balanced decisions.

Just when we thought this wasn’t confusing enough, here’s another caveat to consider. Emotions that arise from our intuitive gut feel tend to be stable and consistent throughout time, that fundamental and authentic “I know who I am, what I like, and what pisses me off.” Conversely, emotions that arise from thoughts are much more unstable and transient. Thought-based emotions are almost exclusively influenced by social conditioning and past experiences, which at times make them inherently flawed. Our brains can operate at turbulent extremes, whereas our gut takes a more steady approach. For example, our gut will never feel that putting our hand in a boiling pot is a good idea but our brain might if it thinks it needs the $100 simmering at the bottom. The gut lets us know when something is good (butterflies) and bad (pit), and these sensations persist over time, they stay with us for a while. But the brain undergoes emotional whiplash as it transitions from loving to hating something, and back again, in a matter of seconds.

For me, historically and for a myriad of reasons, trusting my gut feeling proved nearly impossible. The two voices did nothing but fight and severe anxiety ensued. I allowed my brain to try and control the situation, to swing wildly, racing back and forth across the thinking axis of the spectrum. I’d then beat myself up with a 10-ton naughty stick for making such a righteous mess of everything and not getting it right the first time, for being imperfect. Intuitively I knew all I had to do was sit back and watch things unfold, get out of my own way; but my brain was too threatened by that intuitive knowing, it needed control. Basically, I was upset with myself for being human, because this is a very human thing to do! We are all perfectly imperfect. If having a healthy inner relationship was easy, there would be a lot less assholes and pain in this world, but I digress.  This is why I strongly feel that the gateway to the sweet spot, to balance, is trust. Trust in ourselves to take care of situations that directly involve us, and trust in the Universe to sort out everything else that’s outside of our scope of influence…. Which is damn near everything. Humbling, right? 

The result of this integrated trust is security.

Bah Bah Black Sheep

Physical self-confidence is particularly sensitive to The Spectrum, and the following example also highlights the astounding intricacies of where and how we land upon that spectrum. The image of a black sheep amongst a flock of white compatriots comes to mind. I can easily imagine myself as this sheep, especially living as an American ex-pat in New Zealand. Do I act like I belong, though I secretly feel I do not? Am I afraid the flock will oust me for not conforming? Do I mistakenly think I’m better than my peers? Am I secure in my ‘otherness’ and simply accept that I’m different, neither ashamed nor proud of my alternative pigment? 

The fact is that these states are not definite. Why? Because the sheep will shift between all of these sensations, depending on the situation and circumstance. Such factors include the amount of oats in its tummy, if its woken up well rested on the right side of the haystack, if it’s trying to blend in hoping to evade the slaughter house line-ride, or keen to show off its new shaved look to various suitors. In each instance the sheeps’ inner dialogue will change depending on what it thinks versus how it feels. Just like our black sheep, my everyday sense of confidence and the behaviours I display as a result creates a complicated scenario. Like mathematical combinations, the number of situational inputs (thoughts) and behavioral outputs (emotions) computes to an astronomical amount of outcomes. This will always be true unless we gain a more stable sense of confidence, one that remains implacable in the face of various circumstances. So, how do we come to FEEL confident in lieu of thinking ourselves confident? 

Is it easy to feel confident when we’re supremely aware that we’re dressed in jeans and a T-shirt when everyone else is dressed to the nines? No, that takes something all together different; something much deeper than confidence, something that is developed, deconstructed and re-built many times over our lives. It is our sense of security, a feeling that remains with us despite what our brain thinks. Everyones' journey to this sacred place is different. Sorry folks, I'm just asking the questions, I don't have the answers. 

You're welcome.

Sisterly Admiration

This is an actual email I wrote to my Sister.

Heerrrooooohhh!

I'm writing because I had an interview to be a 'Big Sister' yesterday, and the interview basically asked me a lot about my past to ensure that I wasn't so damaged that I'd f$*% up a little kid. To be honest, it made me realise how much I've changed. It almost felt as if I was talking about someone else's childhood, there was no sense of pain or attachment. Interesting shit, but I digress. I heard myself say something particularly interesting that I wanted to share with you.

They asked me about the people I admire most, and why I admire them. I immediately thought of you.  We are both very alike and very different, Sis. You are the only person who can understand what I've been through, because you've been through it as well; and yet we've both come out of it very differently, coped in different ways. Nature versus nurture? 

I admire your stability, how you can stay in that place and be happy with all the trials and tribulations that come with running a demanding family on very little income. You are a strong representative of the American middle class, and you should be damn proud of that. I admire your skills as a Mother most of all, they are truly exemplary. I laughed as I explained to them how you were tied up all day at a dance competition for the girls, and how that would literally be my nightmare, hahaha. I both envy your life, but also appreciate my own because, Sis, I simply couldn't live that way. I'm not sure if I have a fun-loving ever-changing Tarot-reading Gypsy spirit or an unsettled victim spirit that continually runs from her own shadows; it's probably a combination of both and (hopefully) recently moving away from the latter because I've given that victim the license to heal. Either way the 'conventional life' with a husband, kids and a house cemented into the ground simply won't work for me. It's something that has caused me great pain, because I keep thinking that I'm missing out, that I'm broken because I don't fit the mould. In reality, I've only broken myself trying to fit my ass into that mould and fulfil someone else's agenda. Look at the times I've tried for Christ sake! My track record is deplorable! Haha. I'm whole when I'm free, able to move around on a whim. Anyway, this is supposed to be about you dammit! 

I guess I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for showing me both what I have and what I don't have, because through you I get the best of both worlds without being attached to the one I can't comfortably live within. After I talked about you they asked if there was anyone else, and I couldn't think of anyone. You are the only person I truly admire. I absorb a lot of little things from many people, but you are the only person I esteem highly enough to impress me, because, well, I'm pretty f$*%ing conceited! 

They next asked how I was with kids and I iterated the hilarious story of the day I took all three kids to the pool and Q gave the girls a lecture about how they all had to behave because 'Aunt Summie doesn't know how to handle children,' hahahahaha. Oh Q, I love him so!

One last note. They asked if I had spoke to you about being a Big Sister, and I said I couldn't recall. It wouldn't occur to me to ask if you'd support me because I already know the answer. You support me no matter what, even when you don't agree with me or it's something you wouldn't do; you support me anyway, and Sis, that's unconditional love. I feel the same for you. I couldn't and wouldn't live your life, but I'm so f$*%ing proud of you for doing it that it makes me want to puke, haha. For me Sis, the sun shines out your ass, it always has even when we were young and I didn't think you liked me. You were the coolest person I knew and always wanted you to approve of me. A friend here asked me once if I'd ever go back, and my reply was simple and brief: 'If my Sister ever asked, I'd be on the first flight out of New Zealand; but under any other circumstance, F$*% NO." 

I love you Sis,

Summer

PS Can I post this on my blog? This is some deep shit!

My Sister's Response: Awwwwww, thanks sis. Love you too! You can write whatever the hell you want......remember, I always support you! 

Me: I'm including that too..... haha.

Emotional Dichotomy

Part 1 - The Set Up

Disturbingly, during an Emotional Intelligence Leadership Workshop, I realised that I had precisely none. Much to my humiliation, I was struck by the confronting fact that I had falsely mistaken a high degree of self-awareness with emotional intelligence. Since that fateful workshop, where I committed to the extremely uncomfortable process of sussing out my emotions, my entire life has changed. It wouldn't do anyone any good for me to explain it in detail because it wouldn't make sense. Emotions are rarely logical, and emotional work is profoundly personal. The adventure looks different for everyone. Suffice it to say the process ran as a rapid series of small shifts as I consciously engaged with how I felt throughout the day. Each shift taking place as I observed my emotions, learning to lay judgment at bay and cease the suppression; dealing with them in their raw form and acknowledging they had a purpose. At best its a masochistic exercise, but the end result is a liberation so joyful that it's impossible to regret.

For reasons I may get into in other articles, emotions have never been my strong suit. I grew up a torrent of worry, anxiety and panic. Even having the stomach ulcers to prove it. My emotions were little more than the contents of my being that I frequently projectile vomited onto anyone who would listen, and without consent from either party as I often horribly embarrassed myself by the things I said before I even realised they were out of my mouth. These emotions owned me, despite every attempt of my highly logical mind to control them.

And so began the inner struggle of the two voices, and what I now understand was the basis of my constant anxiety. One voice would tell me to relax, see how it plays out, urging me to consider how that person thought or felt before I reacted, or to simply focus on myself instead of concerning myself with things I knew to be out of my realm of influence. 'Leave people and their situations to themselves' it said, 'what others think and feel is none of my business.' But I never listened; I couldn't, I saw no other way. I knew no other way.

Trusting that voice was impossible for me. Why? Fear. Fear that led to an overwhelming compulsion to control. If I didn't control the situation by mulling over and analysing every possible outcome and how to manipulate it, then how could I be sure I'd get what I want?! There was no trust. Not in myself, not in others, and not in the Universe.

That inner fight, the power struggle between what I felt and what I thought, coupled with an complete lack of trust and need for control, kept me bound to a vicious pattern that I repeated for over 30 years. It destroyed every type of relationship possible: familial, vocational, romantic and friendship. Over time I began to think of myself as toxic, unloveable; broken. My coping mechanism became adopting a gypsy lifestyle, never staying in one place for too long, never letting anyone too close. BLEAK.

Of course, all of this completely eluded me at the time..... Oh, the gift of hindsight and confronting our own bullshit! Welcome to the adventure! 

For those who pathological suppress emotions, it's difficult to even realise that's what we're doing.

Part 2 - Nothing is Ever as Simple as it Seems

At the beginning of my journey I read all types of personal development books and thought I finally saw the bigger emotional picture; understanding the relationship between thoughts, emotions and actions on both a spiritual and psychological basis. Things were going so well that I all but forgot about the two voices and the torment I had experienced throughout my life. It's astonishing how quickly those types of things fade, and how rapidly our daily realities can change.

Until one day when I felt an odd sensation as if there was something I had to do. An intuitive compulsion to make a phone call, the thought of which made my brain say "Hell no! I'm not doing that!" All day, that unrelenting sensation. I was nervous and sweaty, my heart pounded, I even felt sick. It was as though my body already knew what would happen. At 6pm, a time I knew to be ideal from nearly two years of living with this extremely regimented person, I picked up the phone and dialled the number I remembered despite over a year of separation. I watched my fingers press the digits as though they belonged to someone else. Panicking a bit, I wondered what the shit I would say. But I knew, I had figured it out months ago, what I would say if I ever spoke to him again. He answered, saying hello and mentioning something about it being a nice surprise. I hesitated a bit then said "Hi! I learned how to flair my nostrils." Laughter, exactly what I expected. With one silly sentence I diffused a potentially difficult conversation, making it safe by addressing an intimate source of amusement we shared during our time together. All fear melted away and we had an easy, amiable and authentically pleasant conversation. The only thing I felt while talking to him was honest caring and interest in what he had been doing over the last year. I had no agenda, no interest in talking about what happened, why he had left me or the nearly paralysing pain I experienced afterward. In truth, I had called for reasons I didn't fully comprehend.

After hanging up I felt extremely proud of myself. How emotionally intelligent! I had held, and even enjoyed, a conversation that I never thought I'd be strong enough to execute without tears. I got on with my usual routine of cooking dinner, getting my running gear ready and puttering around my room. My super analytical brain started doing what it loves to do, dismantling and rearranging the conversation and looking for hidden messages. Before I knew it I was experiencing new emotions, mainly anger as I constructed false realities about what was, and was not, said and meant. Whoah, wait, wasn't I fine just a moment ago? What the hell happened? Where were these feelings coming from? Voices of ghosts. Ghosts that told me I was never good enough for him, that I was broken, that he never really loved me, that he is happier without me, and all the other hurtful things that he never actually said but I subconsciously believed. Those self-inflicted sentiments inspiring anger, anger needed to defend my budding sense of self worth. Ironically however, the person I was defending myself against was no one other than me; pain brought on by that damned voice. What a beautiful example of how I think myself into emotional pain.

A few days later, during one of my daily runs, the lightbulb came on in a flash so bright that I was literally blinded. That pause, holy shit, that pause between when we spoke and when I starting thinking about the conversation! I finally understood the true origin of the two voices! The first one borne of my innate intuitive emotions. Pure feeling, compassionate and wise. The other, what I think I should feel based on previous experience, my past and conditioning so deeply engrained I've never been cognisant of its influence over my emotions.

Prior to the epiphany that resulted from that fateful phone call, these dichotomous emotions seemed to arrive at the same time. I would become horribly confused and tear myself apart trying to decide which was real. How could I have realised that subconscious thoughts and voices of ghosts from my past were tricking me into feeling and behaving in ways that didn't serve me, keeping me in that vicious cycle. Indeed, I've dedicated an entire article to unpacking just how dangerous Listening to Ghosts can be to our sense of Self, Worth and esteem (links coming soonish). Now, I've begun to insert that pause. A pause that enables me to distinguish how I genuinely feel from how I think I should feel. These words are bolded as they are clues that we're selling out our authentic emotions for what our Human brains and/or society thinks we should feel, which are likely not real. 

The total sum of this article is to proclaim, and urge everyone inside my influence, that the optimal way to shift towards a more emotionally intelligent life includes:

1. Observe How We Feel - Paying attention to inner dialogue that uses think and/or should.
2. Be Willing to Learn From Emotions - If we're pissed, be pissed! All emotions have a purpose, even those that come from subconscious thoughts. It's a great way to learn about our triggers and the conditioning that led to them. For example, my Father bought me Goosebumps books for doing the dishes when I was young, and to this day I love doing the dishes because something insides me thinks I deserve a treat for my efforts.
3. Learn How to Support Ourselves Through Emotional Discomfort -  This is all about self regulation and managing our needs so our emotions aren't suppressed and eventually come spewing out at inopportune times. Like the countless times I've burst into tears in front of the wrong people.
4. Realise that Feeling Emotion Does Not Mean Expressing Emotion - FFS, if we're not sure how we feel, let's all agree to keep our traps shut until we can practice Step 4 and self-govern. Perhaps if more Humans did this, we'd stop shitting on one another to make ourselves feel better.