Definition: Resentment

Resentment: Drinking a sip of poison every day and expecting it to kill someone else. [Original text by Joyce Meyer]


We hold resentments in an attempt to punish the wrong-doers that pop-up throughout our lives to remind us that 'life isn't fair,' and also to prevent repeat offenses.  Yet remaining pissed-off at people for reasons long forgotten and/or irrelevant, judging others for things they do and/or say, or believing they've done us some injustice and/or injury somehow fails to administer satisfactory retribution.  We therefore find ourselves inevitably getting pissed off, over and over again, for the same reasons.  At the end of the day, the spiteful individual is the only one left wallowing in the pissy-waters of resentment, a pool of distorted thoughts and feelings of anger that poison the Mind and Body.  Where is the despicable Being that committed the injustice?  How are they feeling?  They're living their life and feeling just peachy, likely complacent or simply ignorant of the ill-will held against them, unable to feel the needle being continually mind-jabbed into them by the aforementioned individual.

This definition becomes especially true when we hold resentments against loved ones.  Attempting to hold both anger and love in the same space creates the most self-defeating emotion in existence: Guilt.

Resolution of resentments requires that we first realize each, at their most fundamental level, has one of two sources:

1. Someone has something you want (or think you want), that you'll never have and/or you don't deserve. 
• Examples: money, self-acceptance, fame, ripped biceps, healthy relationships, a pony, happiness, etc.
2. You're projecting your most detested qualities, fears and/or insecurities onto the character of another, opting to despise them for these defects instead of yourself. 
• When I was fat I resented all skinny people, convinced they were disgusted by my girth.  The truth was that nobody was as disgusted by my appearance as I was, but it's 'healthier' to project that anger onto others in lieu of drinking the poison that is self-loathing; right?

Secondly, one must identify, analyze and understand the origin and fictitious nature of their resentments.  This requires one to ask oneself: What do I, as well as others, do that really 'cranks-my-yank?'  In short, what pisses me off?  As I began to ask these questions and determine the resentments I hold against myself, loved ones and even strangers, I noticed a humiliating trend; they were all utterly ridiculous.  Clearly I fancy myself very intelligent, important and deserving of unparalleled praise and attention, because I'm quick to become angry when these things are not bestowed upon me.  Most disturbingly, I falsely believe that I am responsible for the well-being and actions of my friends and family, then I turn around and resent them for it; especially if they fail to show adequate appreciation.  Yikes.  Indeed, no one in my society has ever asked for my repeated interference in their affairs, nor could they conceive of my false perception of guardianship.  Each resentment I held turned out to be true only in my own distorted Mind.  The good news for all is that once these beliefs are discovered as fraudulent, one can release the resulting resentments.

Summer's Guide to Identifying Resentments and Mistaken Beliefs:

1. Recall a situation during which you became supremely pissed-off or otherwise emotionally disturbed.
2. Identify the exact stimulus, words and/or behaviors, which caused these emotions. * Consider only the words, behaviors and actions. They, along with your Mind's interpretation of them, created the resentment* Consequently, remove the offending person.
3. Analyze your resulting feelings, behaviors and reactions.  Did certain words/behaviors trigger fears and insecurities from your past?  Did certain words/behaviors make you feel powerless, rejected, or otherwise inferior?  Did certain words/behaviors bring up painful memories/feelings you had repressed and would rather not re-live?
4. Be honest with yourself about the true nature of your resentment and who it is aimed at; it may be against the offender, but it is likely also against yourself or some other influential person in your life.
5. Cut through the web of bullshit you've spun around yourself and identify destructive thinking trends.  Here it is critical to remember that we often deceive ourselves, thus what we hear and see may not be how it really 'went-down.'  
6. Tell someone you trust about the experience and how it made you feel.  If they know you well they may offer insight, otherwise simply having someone listen to your feelings so that you can release the emotions is beneficial.  
7. BREAK THE HABIT.  The next time someone displays behavior or says something that typically knocks you off-balance, choose to act differently. 

It's ugly, I'm not going to lie, and it sure as hell isn't fun to go through this process; but continuing in this manner, addressing every resentment and behavior that upsets you, you'll begin to see patterns.  These patterns develop into a list of core defects, fears and insecurities.  For example, damn near every resentment I've ever held stems from a false perception of abandonment or rejection.  True, this is born from the fact that I was indeed abandoned when I was five years-old. [Again, something only I believe to be true.  If you asked the person who 'abandoned' me, I'm 100% certain they would tell you a different story.]  Carrying that fear into every relationships theretofore led to a steadfast mistrust of other people's intentions and feelings towards me.  It became a poison which prevented me from experiencing unconditional love, especially for myself as I truly believed there was something about me that eventually caused people to flee like Goths from a pep-rally.  Facing that fact, one that had eluded me for 22 years yet influenced my actions everyday, was butt-ass-ugly and horrifying.  My only comfort is that I can break the habitual thought pattern of 'everyone I love will leave me' because now I know it's a fear instigated by my past, and therefore bullshit.  

Resentment is Human kryptonite, and unless we understand its origins and choose to act differently, we are doomed to repeat resentments which keep us from cultivating healthy relationships with ourselves and others.