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A day centered around me, perfectly planned to fuel me
for the next day’s event; the type of support I’ve often given but have never
received. I knew it was too good to be true. But it had been such an amazing
day, I even challenged old conditions and pushed beyond old uncomfortable
boundaries for the very first time. I had been winning, so why was I now losing
the plot? A surprise guest? No, that didn’t bother me. I knew him to be a
social bloke and was genuinely pleased to see him happy. A kink in a day
designed for me? Not precisely, but getting warmer. The unexpected food smack
in the middle of my articulately planned meal schedule? Bingo. We had a winner.
I was mad, but I lied and said I wasn’t. Yet another
old habit of supressing anger, afraid it would inspire feelings which would
ultimately lead him to reject me. Wasn’t I worth a day? Hadn’t the plan been
his idea? Just yesterday I suggested some changes and that seemed to upset him,
so why could he now change them without consideration of my feelings? Shouldn’t
I stand up for myself? I have done the work dammit, I fully comprehend the
repercussions of continuing those old thought patterns and not taking care of
my own needs; resulting in continuous vicious cycles. I won’t do that to
myself, not anymore. Not for him, not for anyone.
Tense words past between us as I attempted to convey
the millions of conflicting thoughts swirling around in my brain. I did a shit
job of it; there was too much to process, everything was happening too fast.
The brakes were failing. He joined his friend and left me alone. I’m always
left alone. Old trigger, old response. I’ll leave, that’s what I do; flee, fuck
off, run. “Stay” I heard a tiny voice
inside me say. I ignored it, packed up some stuff and went to the car, but
where were my keys? “Stay.” I become
confused, disoriented; another old sensation. I recognized the signs, the stress
had depleted my blood sugar. I couldn’t think, my emotions were spiralling out
of control; the irony of trying to escape from the very thing I needed; both
physically and emotionally.
“Stay.” Where the fuck were my keys? I went
inside to find them; I must have looked insane. He asked me what I was doing. I
don’t remember what I said, just walked away. I felt his hurt, his anger. “Stay.” For him the plan hadn’t changed,
it had only been improved. He didn’t understand the broken connection in my
brain that I’d only just begun to repair. A repair currently being tested; like
a new fuse being pushed to its maximum amps, smoking, threatening to blow under
the weight of the situation. Could it handle it? Would it hold?
Back at the car I realized the keys had been there the
whole time; under normal circumstances that would have made me laugh. “Stay.” I broke down into tears. All the
thoughts flooded me at once, the dam burst. I heard myself say “I don’t want to
be alone anymore,” understood it sounded dependent and desperate, but it was
actually a cry to the Universe for help. I’d been on my own for 87.9% of my
life. For the first time I had hope that I could balance my need for freedom
with my authentic desire for a healthy, mutually beneficial, relationship; a
partnership. For the first time I thought I was ready, but here I was again.
Broken. “Stay.” Louder now. I asked,
“Are you sure?” In the past the voice always told me to run but I’d fight to
stay, eventually to my own detriment. It’s never actually told me to stay; can
I trust it? “Stay.” But he’s mad at
me, he thinks I’m crazy, he won’t want me anymore; he’ll see me as broken, just
like the others. A toy that was fun for a while, but not worth keeping.
“Stay.” Where will I find the courage to challenge those
old patterns? The false conditions that previously led me to self-destruct in
similar situations? “You are worth it; Trust
yourself. Everything will work out; Trust me. Just Stay.” Inspired by an
energy my brain couldn’t comprehend, I wiped the tears from my face. I didn’t look
at him as I walked up the drive for the third time. I went inside, put some
things away and took three deep breaths. “You’re
almost there.” I went outside to join them; still too embarrassed to look
at him. Without a word he got up to get me a chair, placed it beside him and
seamlessly integrated me into their conversation. I sat, ate something, had a
chat; recovered. The rest of the night went precisely to plan, right down to
the minute.
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