Thought of the Day 4/17/2012: Of Love and Mistrust

Last night I found myself pondering the inherent mistrust Human's experience during social interactions across both intimate relationships as well as acquaintance-ships.  A profoundly ridiculous realization came to me; simple yet elusive.

How many times have we asked someone to explain or justify their thoughts and actions?  Explain their motives or elaborate on their emotions?  How often do we bait others into yielding the answers we wish to hear?

And what is the result of these efforts?  Despite what they say, we continue to believe whatever it is we already perceived to be true.  We've already chosen the outcome regardless of what the other person will say, their protestations or affirmations will go for naught.  This begs the question: Why the fuck did we bother to socially engage them in the first place if we weren't going to believe or carefully consider their response?!

Though a bit ashamed to disclose my example, I believe my own experience with the mistrust of which I speak serves as a valuable lesson.  Despite having been together for two and a half years, and engaged for almost one of them, I never quite believed Chris when he told me he loved me.  Shit, I would even tell him as much.  My mindset, deeply afflicted by past experiences and relationships which cultivated a weariness that escaped my consciousness, was such that I believed everyone I loved would leave me; I left no exception for the man with whom I had promised to share my life.  I did not believe myself worthy of love, and never trusted anyone who told me they loved me due to a profound fear of abandonment.  In obsessing over this fear, I manifested the very situation I most dreaded.  Inevitably, Chris and I did not last.

But what chance did our relationship have when I never truly believed in his love for me?  When I, instead, chose to believe my own fear that he would leave me, and that I would eventually push him away as I had done to everyone I loved since I was five years old.  Having no love for myself, I would never believe anyone else capable of an action I could not perfect.

Today, I am grateful for this awareness as I've come to understand that love and trust in others can only originate from one source, me.  Whether or not people mean what they say is irrelevant.  I am worth loving, a fairly kick-ass chick I believe, so why would I doubt it when I inspire that sentiment in others?

Thought of the Day 4/12/2012: Dating in Colorado

Despite being 27 years-young, my experience with dating has been limited to, well, now.  Don't ask me how this happened, it's a mind-numbing amalgamation of personality, weight, self-esteem and perseverance follies.  Anyway, I'm pleased to find that Colorado offers its own particular take on the run-of-the-mill dating experience; I am of course referring to the mundane "Dinner and a Movie" tradition.

Likely a consequence of the sustained level of activity which draw people here from lazier parts of the nation (Boulder is the skinniest city in the entire US), a typical date in Colorado almost always includes hiking.  This intake of mountain scenery is typically followed by sampling micro-brews at a local brewery.  While I'm not much of a drinker, I do enjoy imbibing to experience unique combinations of flavor, which has led to my passion for martinis.  Lastly, honest, intelligent and humorous conversation will never go amiss regardless of its setting.  This is easily attained in Colorado as most of us are outgoing and educated exports from other regions of the US, who left our respective birthplaces in pursuit of finding like-minded liberals.  Welcome to Colorado!   

So, needless to say, I'm quite enjoying my new adventures and meeting a wonderfully eclectic gamut of people; all of whom I admire and respect for one reason or another.  I'm just afraid of falling short as a potential life partner as I have a difficult time making that mental switch from friend to something more.  Unless I have steadfast intentions for the latter, I stick everyone indiscriminately in the friend-zone because I assume that's where they intended to settle within our relationship dynamic.  In my defense however, this was conditioned into me as a result of 23 years of obesity, during which time I never once fathomed anyone could have romantic inclinations towards me.  This aversion to the romantic pursuits of others is proving the most difficult habitual thinking pattern to break.  In conclusion, if you go out on a date with me and like me 'that way,' I'll kindly ask you not to be coy and simply tell me, otherwise your ass is in the friend-zone; but please also be prepared for honesty.

Good lord, no wonder I intimidate people.   It's going to take a specific sort of man to put me in my place.

Thought of the Day 4/11/2012: Random Fun

Heidelberg Castle: One of the many German splendors I'll be visiting during my Hobbit-Style excursions!

I know it's been awhile, but I thought I'd hit some highlights of what I've been up to and share some observations to ensure you all that Summer is still very much Summery:

Hottness

1. For reasons that extrapolate back to High School, I will always remember today as Ryan Shuck's birthday.  Who is Ryan Shuck you might ask?  He is the guitarist from my all-time favorite band, Orgy.  That's right, the very band that inspired my first tattoo as well as provoking my passion for 80's retro pop, as I discovered that the song Blue Monday was a New Order cover.  New Order led to Depeche Mode, which in turn led to The Cure, The Smiths, Duran Duran, and the list goes on.  Anyway, each year I renew my age cap per Mr. Ryan Shuck, in order to accommodate the possibility of dating him should the opportunity arise.  Today he is 39 years old and still smokin' hot.
2. I love wearing my green trouser socks.  When I look at my feet I think for one fleeting moment that I could very well be Elphaba Thropp.
3. I've fully integrated into my new environment and social scene, and am absolutely loving life!  I've made friends that I know I don't deserve because they think I'm hilarious.  Somehow it seems I've reverted back to the Crazy College Summer, albeit much wiser for having had some significant changes take place.  Our weekly outings include bar trivia and Kickball.  My contributions to these events are less specific to an illustration of knowledge or athletic skill, and more focused on an honest display of my utterly ridiculous personality and complete lack of social filter.  In short, I promote a sense of friendship and unity based on caustic humor and trash-talk.
4. Future plans include a much anticipated 3-week Sweden/Denmark/Germany vacation, as well as running multiple 5K's around Longmont and the Bolder Boulder 10K.  

I aspire to continue writing informative and motivating articles, but indulgence in my new found social life has me a bit side-tracked.  Rest assured however, that my treadmill meanderings are still very much aflow and one of these days I'll sit down to write out the unique concepts and analogies which I hold so dear and love to share.  Until then I leave you with the key principles that help keep my anxiety at bay other than Yoga and Running: keep it real and go with your gut, work to break habitual thinking patterns and their subsequent actions, resist nothing, make mindful decisions and detach from their outcomes whether positive or negative; and most importantly, take full responsibility for your own actions regardless of the actions or provocations of others.

Thought of the Day 4/6/2012: Travel Plans Complete!

Ok, here it is in all it's infinite glory. If I'm this exhausted simply from planning the trip, what's it going to be like to actually do the traveling?!

Sun, 6/17- Arrive in Stuttgart, Germany 
Wed, 6/20- Travel from Stuttgart to Stockholm

Sat, 6/23- Spend the day in Uppsala, Sweden 

Sun, 6/24- Travel from Stockholm to Odense, Denmark

Tue, 6/26- Travel from Odense, Denmark to Berlin
- Spend the day in Hamburg

Thurs, 6/28- Travel from Berlin to Heidelberg
- Spend the day in Frankfurt 

Sat, 6/30- Travel from Heidelberg to Fussen

Mon, 7/2- Travel from Fussen to Munich

Wed, 7/4- Travel from Munich to Stockholm

Thurs, 7/5- Fly from Stockholm to JFK 

Fri, 7/6- Travel to Jersey for Nancy's Baby Shower! 

Sun, 7/8- Fly from JFK to DEN

Three weeks of little sleep, a hobbit-style mode of transportation, copious amounts of beautiful country, landscapes and castles, as well as fine German beer, wine and food. This is gonna be tits!

Thought of the Day 4/4/2012: Bush Fire?

Don't get me wrong, I love Bob Seger; but since hearing this song yesterday afternoon I've been pondering one question:  Is this song about having crabs, or about performing the activity which leads one to get crabs?