Last night I found myself pondering the inherent mistrust Human's experience during social interactions across both intimate relationships as well as acquaintance-ships. A profoundly ridiculous realization came to me; simple yet elusive.
How many times have we asked someone to explain or justify their thoughts and actions? Explain their motives or elaborate on their emotions? How often do we bait others into yielding the answers we wish to hear?
And what is the result of these efforts? Despite what they say, we continue to believe whatever it is we already perceived to be true. We've already chosen the outcome regardless of what the other person will say, their protestations or affirmations will go for naught. This begs the question: Why the fuck did we bother to socially engage them in the first place if we weren't going to believe or carefully consider their response?!
Though a bit ashamed to disclose my example, I believe my own experience with the mistrust of which I speak serves as a valuable lesson. Despite having been together for two and a half years, and engaged for almost one of them, I never quite believed Chris when he told me he loved me. Shit, I would even tell him as much. My mindset, deeply afflicted by past experiences and relationships which cultivated a weariness that escaped my consciousness, was such that I believed everyone I loved would leave me; I left no exception for the man with whom I had promised to share my life. I did not believe myself worthy of love, and never trusted anyone who told me they loved me due to a profound fear of abandonment. In obsessing over this fear, I manifested the very situation I most dreaded. Inevitably, Chris and I did not last.
But what chance did our relationship have when I never truly believed in his love for me? When I, instead, chose to believe my own fear that he would leave me, and that I would eventually push him away as I had done to everyone I loved since I was five years old. Having no love for myself, I would never believe anyone else capable of an action I could not perfect.
Today, I am grateful for this awareness as I've come to understand that love and trust in others can only originate from one source, me. Whether or not people mean what they say is irrelevant. I am worth loving, a fairly kick-ass chick I believe, so why would I doubt it when I inspire that sentiment in others?
It’s alright to at least once in a while, find yourself. It is healthy for anyone who would want to find peace in their selves first before committing into a mutual relationship.
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