Fighting for Funds

I’m not sure how it came up exactly, but one day my best friend and flat mate shared that what he liked about me was my confidence. Somewhere deep inside I experienced a devious feeling, like a mean-natured critic who said, “I’ve fooled another one.” That wasn’t even the worst part, I also felt a strong sensation of both fear and sadness. The truth was that I felt broken, ever since I could remember. I lived in fear of others seeing through my façade, but also disappointed that they failed to recognise my underlying pain and need for love and comfort. What I see now, in 20/20 hindsight, is that I wasn’t broken, but my self-worth meter sure as shit wasn’t calibrated correctly either. It got knocked off-kilter at an extremely young age. This is life, folks. The following is what it looks like when I felt shame and tried to live by begging others to give me worth, instead of feeling secure in my authentic pricelessness. 

Of course, I didn’t fully understand those ‘I’m an imposter’ sensations at the time. I did in fact feel confident most of the time and in most situations because confidence typically comes from experience, and f*$% if I hadn’t been through some shit! Looking back at just some of what I’ve accomplished and overcome: I moved out of the house at a young age and supported myself with multiple jobs through high school, I was the first person in my family to go to college and went all the way to a Masters degree in Biological Sciences, I lived through the pain of losing a very close yet drug and alcohol addicted Sister, I suffered with periods of such extreme panic and anxiety that I became agoraphobic, I became determined to get healthy and lost over half my body weight (125lbs/57kg), I experienced the devastation of a mysterious falling out with my best friend of 13 years, I began to climb the ranks of the pharmaceutical quality and manufacturing world, I discovered that I’d never be able to bare child due to a combination of cervical cancer and severe dieting, I lived through the shock of ending my first long-term relationship which came with the added lesson of getting stuck with $7,000 of someone else’s debt, I climbed four of the highest peaks in the Colorado Rockies, I bought a beautiful house before I was 30 and paid off all my debts, I travelled throughout parts of Europe and went to India for work, when certain shit hit the fan and my simple Kansas life went pear-shaped I remembered my lifelong dream of moving abroad and left for New Zealand with little more than a backpack, I got a job and New Zealand residency in record time, made friends and explored its beautiful bush and fjords, when it became clear that a career in pharmaceuticals wasn’t going to workout here I started my own business as a Personal Trainer to some success, I endured the pain of ending my second long-term relationship and accompanying breakdown; yet somehow here I am, a marathon-running operational excellence coach for the largest company in New Zealand. I look back and it’s as if all that happened to someone else, I’m a completely different person. 

Those transitions paralleled lots of other things such as covering myself with tattoos, at times drinking enough booze and/or taking enough caffeine to kill small to medium sized animals and making other fun yet often ill-advised decisions, mostly pertaining to the endless pursuit of love and happiness. Oh, and I couldn’t keep my mouth shut to save my life. After all of that I’m most grateful to finally realise that broken doesn’t mean worthless, but it can lead to dangerous levels of insecurity and leave me emotionally bankrupt. Luckily, worth does not have to be earned, but damn if that isn’t hard to remember when I feel ashamed of somehow not achieving what is expected of me from others or myself.

Instead of permitting my adventures-to-date inspire a sense of accomplishment, it seemed everything I’ve overcome only put more obstacles in my way. Though each was certainly a blessing in its way, they also left marks on my psyche and scars on my body. Along with accumulating experiences, I also accumulated baggage with little to no value. Most originated from my childhood, as it does, which I laboriously dragged into my adulthood while also desperately attempting to hide it and function like a healthy human being. Like some sort of neurotic Santa Clause with a bag of bullshit ready to spread around in the form of chronic approval-seeking, victim stories and false portrayals of superiority. A bag I covered with glitter to fool everyone into thinking it was stuffed with chocolates and puppies, so they’d love me and want me to share my gifts. There were no puppies, but there was a deep-seeded fear of abandonment and rejection that influenced nearly every aspect of my life, ghosts from my past that haunted every step I took. Craving the love I never quite received in my emotionally turbulent youth, I gave everything I had and everything I was to others. When they failed to reciprocate and deliver, I perceived it as neglect because that’s what I was accustomed to feeling, unworthy of affection and attention. BLEAK!

Looking back I see those experiences were underlined with the pain and fear I’ve always tried to keep hidden by confidence. It’s time to take an ugly look at the embarrassing cycle that led to this formidable catalogue. Succinctly, since my own sense of worth is derived from others I put a lot of effort into doings things for people, and take care of everyone but myself. Whether its at work or in my personal life, people fail to appreciate me the way I think they should or in a way I can recognise. I impatiently wait for everyone to ‘come to their senses’ and realise what a priceless gem I am, apologise, tell me how great I am; in short, validate my worth. Devastation inevitably ensues when the words are never said, and their appraisals fall vacant.

All of this completely eluded my consciousness, of course. This is what it looks like when subconscious thought patterns control conscious behaviours. I truly had good intentions, but for all the wrong reasons. For me, Waking up to Worth means putting a stop to my old cycle, to magically turn confidence into security by establishing, owning and protecting my own worth. Realising that I don’t need to earn it, or to have it stamped as ‘valid’ by others estimation of me. Treasuring my gifts instead of continually fighting for funds by allowing others to assess my inherent value.