Hobbit Diaries: The Dawn - Breaking Up is Hard To Do

[Read on to understand the nature of the title. This will be the first in a series that I humbly vow to maintain during my New Zealand travels as a chronicle of my adventures (and misadventures) there. And all new beginnings do so with an end....]

Allow me to introduce Eleanor "Ellie" Underhill, my new Identity. She doesn't give two shits about calories or social media, her only cares are her friends and the next mountain she's going to hike.

In the interest of self-preservation and obtainment of happiness, all troubled and/or unhealthy relationships must come to an end. No matter who they're with, a boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, selfish friend or an addicted family member, all break-ups are all extremely painful. Indeed, the basic human desires to avoid emotional pain and resist change makes ending a relationship nigh on impossible; the very reason unhealthy relationships thrive the world over. But what happens when the unhealthy relationship one realizes they need to end is with themselves; how does one escape the person they've become?

I have experienced a mini-series of psychological epiphanies lately as I deal with my unhealthy obsessions, increasing amounts of stress, unstable blood sugar levels and, worse yet, a fresh reoccurrence of the panic that has immobilized me throughout critical transition points throughout my young life. I've written previously on my various attempts at psychological rehabilitation, and I've now undertaken a fourth in an attempt to leave my obsession with calorie-counting behind and ease my addiction to control. It's proven precisely what I already knew however, that I understand the inner workings of my own Mind and I also know the solutions. Yet, addictions die hard and I've allowed the fear of change and loss of control over my weight, and life in general, to completely commandeer my current life and state of mental health; driving away every speck of happiness I manage to muster. My thoughts are constantly focused on myself, what I'm going to consume, how many calories that food contains and what activities I'll do to burn them off, as well as obsessing over how to improve myself and let these trifles subside so that I can relax. Control, control, control; and it's high time I finally terminate this abusive relationship with the inner control freak.

I like my current counselor, because they are stern with me. Not know whether my low sugar attacks are causing the panic attacks, or vice versa, she recently gave me the ultimatum of a having a protein bar or going on an SSRI to control my anxiety. Sadly, I fear both almost equally. The protein bar could constitute calories I don't need, and if I eat one every time I feel anxious I will likely gain weight. Alternatively, I outright refuse to go back on an SSRI, which led me to a couple of the aforementioned epiphanies as I asked myself "what is the nature of this aversion?" When the counselor asked me the same I stated that I didn't like their side effects (anorgasmia is a real pain in the ass), but more importantly they made me feel like I wasn't myself. Namely, they took away my high energy 'passion'; in itself one the contributors to my anxiety as I get worked up easily by silly things, particularly when talking about politics and global warming or evolution-deniers. The first epiphany was the logical conclusion that I must like that aspect of myself if I don't want to change it with pills. Disturbingly, what I realized a few days later after mulling it over, is that I refuse to give those pills control over my anxiety; believing that I could and should control it myself. This elucidated just how deeply my control addiction ran, which disturbed me on a whole new level.

Additionally, since my last major (and only) break-up, a real hum-dinger the pain of which I've never been able to capture in written form, I've been completely focused on self-improvement. But much like The Phoenix of the X-Men, who blows up anyone or anything she sets her complete focus on, I have turned this determination and self control into a weapon that has finally dismantled my mental faculties. I need to break-up with that self-obsessed neurotic before it is too late. I've come to realize that the only thing she's really good at is keeping me ultra-thin and making me fell anxious; neither of which are qualities I'm interested in retaining. I'm stripping that identity/ego away and reverting back to what is underneath, my fundamental characteristics. These intrinsic traits, the ones I brought into this life with me and will take with me when I go, are certainly nothing to be ashamed of; though I may be a bit of a loud mouth I'm also smart, funny, honest and well-meaning. I love to dance and be goofy, but these thing aren't possible when I'm being plagued by a skinny treadmill addict who doesn't eat enough and is too weak to do much of anything besides calculate arbitrary numbers.

Here and now, to her I declare, "Get the fuck out!" I don't expect her to go without a fight, all egos will cling to preservation, which is the basis of every Human's fear of change; but it's a worthy battle the end of which will finally shed light upon the shadow that has persisted for too long.

So, with that identity gone, who am I now? Well, I got that answer today and it so precisely fit in with my future that I couldn't ignore it's validity. Earlier, while contemplating who I wanted to be, an answer I've known for a long while finally floated to the surface of my consciousness: I want to be a Hobbit. I want to be joyful, curvy, loyal, witty, adventurous and a bit ridiculous; live in the here and now, let life come as it will instead of trying to control everything, harbor a love and interest for all things nature, eat multiple breakfasts, walk everywhere I go and stay strong in the face of unparalleled evil. I made the decision (subconsciously, no doubt) to go to New Zealand months ago without being able to articulate why until now. What better place to learn how to be a Hobbit?! This identity alteration may even go so far as to include invocation of a new Hobbit-worthy name. I haven't completely decided to actually use it yet, but the name Eleanor "Ellie" Underhill will likely appear in future posts. Therefore, until my arrival there, I will mourn the end of my relationship and put it to rest, lick my wounds, let the hair grow on my feet and prepare for my training. I may count calories, I may have panic attacks, but I will also know that these are artifacts from a life I am leaving and they have no real power over who I truly am.

One of my all time favorite quotes is:

"I am not who I want to be, I am not who I will be, and I am not who I was."

It eloquently suggests a Human's identity evolves throughout it's life, something I touched on in a previous article. If someone finds them-self in an unhappy existence, they can change their identity if they have the guts. Breaking up does suck, and changing ones identity is akin to ending the very relationship they've harbored with themselves and starting a new relationship with someone who may seem foreign to them, which is also turbulent. The whole affair is uncomfortable and takes time, but the silver lining is knowing that one can take command of at least one aspect of their life; refusing to be a victim to inner displeasure, empowering themselves and moving closer to the person they want to be, ultimately, to happiness.

Summer's Slim Recipes: Greek Yogurt Parfaits

I've decided it's high time I deliver on promises I've so far failed to keep regarding posting some of my dieting tips and tricks. So, hitting the label "Recipes" will now lead to a few of my favorite low fat, low salt, high protein and high fiber meals and snacks.  All these factors ensure maximal satiation while minimizing caloric intake. Enjoy!

Greek Yogurt Parfaits

There are many combinations of ingredients to dress-up these low-fat high-protein treats, making them perfect for dessert or breakfast!

Note: All 'drop' amounts are to taste. Also, I use liquid stevia sweetener to keep it natural, but a half- to one packet of any sweetener will do the trick. Lastly, the calories will vary depending on which brands and portions listed are used.

Lemon Blueberry [85-95 Cals]
1/2 Cup Non-Fat Plain Greek Yogurt
1/4 Cup Fresh Blueberries (I give them a quick squeeze to release the juices into the yogurt)
5-10 Drops Liquid Stevia Sweetener
Fresh Lemon Zest and a Couple of drops of Juice (Preferred), or 2-3 drops of Pure Lemon Extract, or one packet of Pure Lemon

Orange Mango [85-95 Cals]
1/2 Cup Non-Fat Plain Greek Yogurt
1/4 Cup Fresh Mango, Diced
5-10 Drops Liquid Stevia Sweetener
Fresh Orange Zest and a Couple of drops of Juice (Preferred), or 2-3 drops of Pure Orange Extract
-Also works great with Strawberries (1/4 cup is only 15 cals!)

Pumpkin Spice [75-85 Cals]
1/2 Cup Non-Fat Plain Greek Yogurt
2 Tbsp Pure Pumpkin Puree
1/4 Tsp Pumpkin Pie Spice Mix
[Easy to make yourself by combining Cinnamon:Ginger:Nutmeg:Clove in a 4:2:1:1 ratio]
5-10 Drops Liquid Stevia Sweetener
3-5 Drops Pure Vanilla Extract

- Add raisins (~40 cals) for a burst of extra sweetness and texture, and/or add 1 tbsp of PB2 powder (~25 cals) for some peanut buttery goodness!

Cordial Cherry [80-90 Cals; Chocolate Version 115-140 Cals]
1/2 Cup Non-Fat Plain Greek Yogurt
1/4 Cup Fresh Red Cherries, Sliced or Diced
5-10 Drops of Liquid Stevia Sweetener
3-5 Drops Pure Almond Extract
- With or without cocoa powder and/or chocolate chips depending on sweet tooth urges.

Mint Chocolate [95-120 Cals]
1/2 Cup Non-Fat Plain Greek Yogurt
1 Tbsp Special Dark Cocoa Powder
10-15 Chocolate Chips
5-10 Drops Liquid Stevia Sweetener
2-4 Drops Pure Peppermint Extract

Chocolate Banana Peanut Butter [115-140 Cals]
1/2 Cup Non-Fat Plain Greek Yogurt
1/2 Tbsp Special Dark Cocoa Powder
1 Tbsp PB2 Peanut Butter Powder
10-15 Chocolate Chips
5-10 Drops Liquid Stevia Sweetener
5-10 Drops Banana Extract

Notice a pattern? Simply combine preferred fruits and flavors, via extracts, to create a healthy snack! Eat them as stand-alone treats or use as part of a meal by adding granola, toast or any other preferred carb such as 100 calorie packs of cookies, etc. I typically pair these parfaits with some apple slices tossed in either cocoa powder or my pumpkin spice blend, plus a couple of drops of vanilla extract.  The extract acts as a natural preservative and will keep the apples from browning, so you can make them in advance for a perfect snack on the go! Also, from personal experience I can vouch that these parfaits keep well in the fridge for up to 2 weeks; the apples will keep for up to 3 days. Best of all, one large tub of greek yogurt ($4.00-$6.00 depending on the preferred brand) makes 8 yummy servings!

Thought of the Day 10/23/2014: Tamale Meltdown

Though it's incredibly embarrassing, I feel the need to relate yesterday's epic relapse of my eating addiction, and the subsequent disturbing thoughts and behaviors which ensued. It was kind of a rough night at work, for reasons I can't discuss due to confidentiality rules, so I was anticipating my relaxing morning routine even more than usual. Without fail, each morning I have a dessert-ish snack, play  on Pogo.com, fuck around on Google+ reading funny memes and taking dumb quizzes before heading to bed. This is what I do every morning whether I work or not; God help me when Pogo's site is undergoing maintenance, I damn near lose it.

Anyway, at lunch earlier that night my co-worker had presented me with two homemade tamales (yum!), and my Supervisor brought in some kind of decadent German fruit/nut, sugar-coated, bread.  I took the tamales for later, but flat out refused the bread. Now, my eating disorder centers around meticulously counting calories and obsessively planning meals. If I didn't plan to eat it, it's not going to be eaten without severe mental consequences. The main cause of which is that I like to eat 7 small meals throughout my waking hours (about 3:30pm to 8:00am), and when I eat something I didn't plan on, especially a calorically dense item, I have to forgo something else or even entire meals. This upsets my schedule and, therefore, my sense of control and sanity. My rigidity is worse 100-fold when I take the day off from exercise as I falsely believe that I can eat only if I did something to earn it through physical exertion.

Yesterday happened to be such a day sans exercise, so after I finished my snack and those tamales were calling my name..... "Summer, I'm filled with cheese and jalapeños; you know you want to eat me. It'll be ok, I promise...."; I knew I was setting myself up for a major catastrophe. I gave in, and yes, the tamale was great but like so many other times, not worth the resultant consequences.  The ceaseless crazed thoughts of regret and fear of weight gain began before I had even finished the damn tamale.  I became consumed with mental calculations of what I should calorically cut out and/or how long I'd have to work out the next day to undo the impact from one 'harmless' tamale.  The saddest piece of this insane puzzle was when I brought my phone to bed with me, because if I didn't get a satisfactory plan to somehow undo the damage the tamale had done, I couldn't sleep. I even woke several times to 'optimize' this plan, each time realizing that it was really only a mechanism to calm my addled Mind since my Body had already done whatever it was going to do with the tamale; like using it to feed some sore muscle cells and turn the rest into shit.

Ahhhhhh (of frustration), and that's the crux of it! I'm a biologist and KNOW that my Body decides what to do with calories, not my Mind. Yet letting go of that control is something my Mind finds insurmountable.

When I woke for the night, thoughts of overconsumption still streaming, I had my normal pre-work out meal and felt regretful; convinced that the tamale should have already provided that fuel though I felt hungry. Solemnly, I went to get some YMCA therapy and attempt to soothe my Mind. I came back to find that my Mom's lifelong best friend, who is visiting from out of town and has been a second Mother to me, had made my all time favorite: Peanut Butter Fudge bars, a treat I had requested the second I found out she was coming. Little did I know that the treat would appear during an intense relapse period. Regrettably, I lost it. I couldn't even look at the damned pan; I started shaking and crying. Everything came crashing down and a feeling of complete chaos took hold of me, I panicked. How could I have let this bullshit get so out of hand? Why can't I just enjoy food I want and not worry about the numbers? How in the hell am I ever going to get better? A pretty rough fight with my Mom followed, not to mention the embarrassment I felt at displaying the worst of what I've become to a women I haven't seen in years. Is this all I am? In that moment, I felt like a complete waste of air; nothing more than a nuisance to my friends and family.

Upset, I went about my normal routine. Clinging to the my only sense of comfort: knowing that I could always manipulate the calories I eat later to undo any damage I might inflict on myself by giving in and eating one of the peanut butter bars. Mom and her friend went out to dinner and I stayed in, opting for my low-calorie version of dinner which brings peace of mind; thoughts of the ill-advised tamale from that morning still present. Then, to beat all, and proving that I'm a walking fucking contradiction, a few friends came over for game night and one had brought some kind of delicious pumpkin cake cream cheese bars; I had small portions of BOTH treats. Oddly since I had quickly formed a plan to do so, revising my subsequent meal plan for the night, I was at ease with this caloric consumption. This is classic eating addiction. It's not necessarily what I eat, it's about how I think about eating it; feeling comfortable eating only what I've planned to eat. For example, eating a 100 calorie bag of popcorn makes me just as uncomfortable as eating a hot fudge sundae IF this consumption was not planned. Conversely, so long as I plan accordingly, I'm perfectly fine with indulging in a high calorie meal; but I habitually restrict calories afterwards as well as purge them via exercise. Complete insanity.

Yes, I have this issue. Yes, it really fucking sucks. I don't feel fun anymore, and I don't feel free. Worst of all it's the most embarrassing problem I've ever had since I should be TOO SMART TO BE THIS STUPID. I imprison myself with the fear of getting fat, which I know to be completely irrational but also hopeless to defeat this feelings after 5 years of failed attempts at getting a grip. There are two voices in my head: the logical biologist that knows, scientifically, anything under 500 calories and/or infrequent consumption of excessive calories can not and will not cause weight gain. Then there's the delirious addict who insists that as little as a low-fat granola bar is enough to make me swell back up to 250 pounds, and I immediately execute on a plan to mitigate that consumption as described above.  The worst part is that listening to these two voices drives me even further into insanity, leaving me feeling extremely anxious. This discomfort often causes me to lash out at loved ones who try to support and help me; especially my Mother. (And I'm very sorry for that!)

I have to finish by saying this: though I know people think they're helping me by constantly adding their two cents, it is essential that they understand there is nothing they can say or do to help me in my present state. For some reason it usually involves the following 'advice': Just eat it, it won't hurt you.... There's nothing wrong with eating [enter food item].....  Really?! Wow! I'm guessing you're saying that to the crazy person in my head, but she's not listening because she's irrational and the sane one already knows that! There is nothing people can say to me that I don't say to myself multiple times of day; it doesn't help, it just reminds me that I'm crazy and makes me sad. By far, however, the worst thing anyone can do is tell me that I look too skinny. If one more God-damned person tells me that I seriously might come completely unhinged; a trip to the loony bin or a punch in their face the inevitable outcomes. It would be socially inappropriate for me to remark on the physical appearances of others (been diggin' into those Oreos huh?, that's not a hideous mole just a beauty mark, lovin' that comb over!, etc.), so why is it acceptable for others to tell me I look too skinny. WTF?! Why can't people tell me I look good, or better yet, say nothing about my weight at all since it's obviously a sore subject and they could never understand what I'm going through! No such luck. Apparently, true to my extremist nature, I went straight from too fat to too skinny, and everyone wants me to know they've noticed. The biological fact is that I average 120 pounds, and at 5'3' that is literally the ideal weight. So the next time someone is feeling insecure about their own weight and feels the need to call me skinny to elevate their own body image, I'll kindly ask them to save their breath because I'm done listening. Or, they should be prepared for me to hit them with the truth of how others view their appearance, and I bet they'll enjoy it as much as I enjoy being called skinny.

Ok, that's my rant. Sure, I'm crazy and dealing with my issues on a day to day basis, but please realize that there is literally nothing anyone can say that is going to wake me up from this nightmare, it only makes it worse. I know that sounds ridiculously overdramatic, not to mention bleak, but that is my reality at present.

There's still another tamale in my fridge..... and a whole pan of peanut butter chocolate bars. Shit.

Travel Day 21: Thursday, 07/05/2014

06:30
Just got on the bus to Arlanda [Stockholm's Airport]. I decided hanging around the airport would be better because I'm pretty sure you can check in a bag for free on international flights. If not, well I'll just walk around. The only thing I wanted was coffee anyway, and they'll have that at the airport.... and water fountains! (I hope)

Ok, so the night train..... bad idea. Definitely should've sprung for a bed but anyway, it's over, plane next. We got into Stockholm at 06:00 and I went to the bus, loaded my pack and my fucking nalgene went directly underneath... awesome. So the bus driver backed up the bus so I could retrieve it. It was very nice of him. The funny thing was my thought process. At first, I thought 'fuck it, leave it,' but then I thought of the new Germany sticker and I simply couldn't leave it behind, haha. I know that's odd, but it's true.

08:33
Sitting comfortably with WiFi in the cafe/lounge of Arlanda. I can check in my pack but apparently only 2 hours before my flight? I got this from another airlines' kiosk as I didn't see one for Icelandair, so I'm going to check again soonish. For now I'm content, my breakfast was great and I surprisingly don't feel the need to move just yet. Plus, I need to charge my iPod. The airport's WiFi login page says out to login for free, haha, not hoping to turn a profit I guess.... much like the DB [German rail system].

So, Mom wrote back not understanding why I was mad... She never does/says anything right.... blah, blah (JF-like shit), blah. So I wrote her back literally detailing my logic. All I want is an apology. She never mentioned the gift.... I really don't care if I talk to her today or not.

12:50 EST / 16:50 Iceland / 18:50 Stockholm/Munich
Oh boy... How many meals do I get today? How much sleep did I get last night? I have a feeling I'm in for a world of hurt the next couple of days, but it's my goal to get up early for a jog before breakfast with MP, then heading to Jersey.

My sweet tooth got the better of me, like I knew it would. I successfully resisted at Arlanda, but I have that really annoying constant hunger that just won't quit! So, in Iceland I treated myself to an oatmeal raisin-ish cookie along with my dinner of a tandoori chicken sandwich, fruit salad and carrots. I should be good for awhile, but this (to my dismay) is a 6 hour flight and it'll take me about 1-2 hours to get my shit and get to Manhattan from JFK. At least I'm in the exit row; all that extra room I don't need :)

Mmmm, Icelandic cookie!

A truly international airplane tray display.

On the fight to Iceland I watched The Hunger Games and it was pretty good for a book-made-movie. I need to sleep on this one or I may pass out somewhere in NYC and that would be very bad. Anyway, I also treated myself to a key chain and magnet from Iceland (and got a passport stamp!) and it totaled over 1,000 Iceland dollars! I can't wait to see how much that is in USD. The cookie was really good, lots of nuts, raisins, seeds, buttery, cinnamon and nutmeg, at least it was Icelandic, haha. My body thanked me, it was stressed and needed a treat; "Little One" has now agreed to lay off until I get to MP's. She'll likely want to go out to eat or something, so I'll just get a salad... or cheesecake from Veniero's, haha. Actually, that's really the only place I'd really like to go, other than to Chinatown for good Chinese or the Indian section off Broadway [Murray Hill, also known as 'Curry Hill']... or Chipotle, haha! J/K.

I can't believe I've been gone for 3 weeks... I kinda wish now I was just going back to Denver. It's gonna be tough getting in on Sunday night and then working Monday. I have no groceries, haha. Alright, time to blow-up my pillow, take a Benny [Benadryl] and read myself to sleep.

Thought of the Day 10/18/2014: Of Facebook and Funerals

Even though it's been 8 years, I find this time of year a bit emotionally taxing. October 10th would have been my Sister Amanda's 33rd birthday, then 4 short days later is the anniversary of her death; dying just past her 25th birthday. Each year it brings the same inevitable sequence of contemplations: I ponder my own mortality, check my inner addict, and assess my relative level of happiness; hoping to find that I'm living in a manner consistent with someone who is relatively prepared to bite the dust, be at peace and not leave behind a slew of people who feel regretful regarding our interpersonal relationships. Dare I, or any other member of my family, place a remembrance post on Facebook, I then have to read horrendously misguided messages from people I've never even met before, and sure as shit didn't know my Sister, stating how sorry they are for our loss, how much she was loved and what a precious person she was; surely now enjoying her residency in Heaven. While I appreciate the kind and supportive sentiments, I must say this:

BULLSHIT.

The infamous A-S-S sisters: Amanda (24), Summer (21) and Sarah (22); Our likeness was always contingent on how fat were were, haha. Amanda and I came by our obesity naturally, whereas Sarah's was pregnancy-related, when applicable.

Here's my evidence. Now that we're both thin, I could barely tell who was who in this picture of Sarah and I playing cards while camping; I've never felt so beautiful and proud!

I can only take so many of these posts before I go a bit squirrely and relate a retaliatory post. I basically say the same thing I said in Amanda's eulogy; I loved my Sister dearly, she was a genuinely kind and caring person, but she was also a bi-polar drug and alcohol addict who lied pathologically and didn't seem to know right from wrong, repeating self destructive cycles that led to endless rotations between rehab, half-way houses and jail. I spent more than one night wondering why she hadn't come home, and more than one Christmas at the county slammer; the guards always made me remove my tongue ring.

Yet my post this year, in response to the ludicrous comments on my Mother's post, particularly infuriated a friend of my Mother's; stating on my own wall how disappointed she was in me and that she had lost respect for me. WTF?! If her opinion of me, and respect for me, are based on what I write of Facebook after working 5 12-hour overnight shifts in a row, obviously they were fleeting sentiments from the start. Besides, I've always known her to be an extremely critical and judgmental person, and my many personality flaws often displeased her. She believes I systematically mistreat my Mother, and generally exhibit the uppity consequences of becoming too educated for my own good; not to mention her callus remarks regarding my struggles with an eating addiction from years of dieting. Her lasts words to me being "you're too skinny." I thought it would be a moot point to retort that I thought she was too fat, like over 55% of this country's population. Oh well. I can't control what others say or think of me, but I can control who can communicate with me over social media; can we say 'Blocked'? Petty? Perhaps, yet it gave me an odd sense of satisfaction. My sole concern was that the post hadn't upset my Mother, and it hadn't because she and Sarah share my opinion on this subject; which is appropriate since we are the people who actually knew Amanda.

Over the next day or so, however, my mind refused to let the comment go; lost respect for me?! For simply stating my own opinion about my own dead Sister?! I'm just so fed up with people making her into a saint for their own comfort; though it would doubtlessly be more comforting, I refuse to remember only the good things. I choose to honor my Sister for who she was, the good, the bad, and especially the ugly. Some of the shit she pulled under the influence of whatever drug she was on was the most hilarious shit I've ever experienced, including the time she called 9-1-1 because her dog, a RAT TERRIER, killed her pet RAT; the comedic poeticism is almost overwhelming!

Lastly, I personally do not believe in Heaven and/or Hell; I don't judge those who do and would appreciate their non-judgement in return (not often the case, however). I have my beliefs and steadfast faith in a Higher Power, but it's extremely unconventional. Most importantly, my Spirituality allows me to be at peace with what has happened to my Sister's energy after her body's passing here on Earth. Regardless, being the logical scientist that I am; using it to neutralize emotions I otherwise don't know how to process, I must admit that if I'm wrong and there is a Heaven and Hell in the traditional sense, my sister's way of life and beliefs did not earn her a place amongst the purest of the pure in Heaven. Simple fact; no more, no less. What's more, you won't find me there either. Consequently, I realized I was upset because these people had not a clue who my Sister really was, then they have the audacity to judge me on correcting them! No one really knew Amanda's true colors except the two sister's she was forced to take a hand in raising at the tender age of 7, neglecting her own childhood in the process, cultivating the emotional scars that, I believe, directly contributed to her many mental instabilities. Was she a Good Person? Damn yes. Did I love her? Unconditionally. In fact sometimes I close my eyes and remember the way she said "I love you, Summie," and how if felt when she kissed my check; a combination of soft lips and cold metal from her many facial piercings. Regardless, IF there was a heaven, would she be there? Fuck no. It's simple logic, like it or not.

Personally, should something tragic befall me, I want to be remembered for the person I truly am, not who people wanted or pretended me to be. For better or worse I'm a brutally honest, passionate (Treebeard may call it hasty), hopelessly neurotic, over-sharing control freak who loves exercise and is mortally afraid of getting fat. I love people in general, but I'm not always nice and often offend and/or appall others as I have no social filter. My serenity is extremely fragile and tethered to my limited ability to govern my ego. I'm friendly, talkative and mostly funny, but that's also coupled with bouts of extreme crankiness and agitation as well as a proclivity for the use of excessive profanity. I try to be a good friend, but can really only be depended on to flake and act in a selfish manner; stubbornly doing what I want to do regardless of the wishes and needs of others. So, when I die don't just remember the Summer who made you laugh or supported you in a time of need, but also the Summer who told you to Fuck off once or twice because she'd rather play Pogo, exercise, or write on her blog, or started crying when you offered her a cookie.

Travel Day 20: Wednesday, 07/04/2014

08:10
At Munchen Hbf waiting for my train to Hamburg. There's so much to write now, and I'm afraid it's all philosophical; no answers, just more questions and a ton of shit to consider as I navigate the maze that is Human life trying to pick up enough 'happy points' along the way as possible. Kinda like a pac-man board, haha, happiness can be the cherries and oranges you get along the way when you make good decisions and choose the right paths. Critical note here, sometimes you can tell where it'll be and it's possible to set a course which allows you to pick it up along the way. Yes, I like that analogy!

Focus on gettin' to those Cherries!

First things first, my run this morning was amazing! It was foggy and beautiful, I ran for about 40 minutes, no music, just the sound of H2O, birds and me communicating with my Body; thanking my feet and letting them tell me where to go and for how long. It felt really good and there was a constant 'No, thank YOU!' from Body to Mind as they agreed the run was precisely what both wanted and needed. The bloat from all the salt is extreme, but I know it's just temporary, so I'm trying not to grab or pull on it, which is a pretty strange habit in general. Now I think of it though, it extends back to my fat days. I'd feel uncomfortable and grab my huge roll wishing I could just cut it off. Now, though I'm half the size I used to be, I still feel the same way and this is my #1 motivation for the surgery.

Just had my 2nd encounter with a splitting train. I had to board all the way at the back cuz the first set of Class 2-Dining-Class 1 cars is staying in Hannover, while the 2nd set continues on to Hamburg. Once again, my attention to detail serves me well.

The irony of traveling through 3 countries on my 'Motherland's' day of independence is not lost on me. In fact, I believe it directly correlates with my level of patriotism, haha.

I'm officially pissed at my Mother. I checked email and Facebook on last time this morning and still nothing, though last night she posted a pic of FB of a fucking pit that needs rescuing... WTF?! Once again, my Mother says one thing but completely contradicts herself. I got an email of how worried she was that I hadn't emailed while I was in Berlin/Heidelberg on Sat 6/30. I excitedly replied on Sun 7/1 giving her hints about her B-day gift, then Mon 7/2 - a quick note commenting 'on her being 'worried' though she hadn't written back'; Tues 7/3, another quick note asking if this was her way of getting me back and today, after I saw the FB thing, I fucking lost it, commented on the post and wrote her an email that I was super pissed and if she's so fucking worried SHE can call ME once I'm back in the States. Granted, I realize my anger is exacerbated by the fact that I was excited about the clocks and I expected (trouble here) her to write back with the same indication of excitement. Not only didn't that happen but she continued to stonewall me for 3 fucking days! Yes, it was wrong to expect a certain reaction, but no it wasn't wrong - especially give the nature of her email to me, concerning all her 'worry', to expect a reply in general. And then the affront of my knowing she can get on the internet to talk about a fucking dog, yet not bother to reply to my email?! Holy shit that pisses me off. Real worried, right?! Once again, I come second. Usually it's 2nd to the bar, which I try to understand given it's her life line, but a fucking dog?! Fuck that, it hurts, she should be more considerate. Letting this go is going to require a little more time, obviously.

Ok, now I've gotten that off my chest, phew, onto reflection time!

What I Will Miss: Everything.

I particularly love the way being here I can be quiet and not constantly be distracted by the conversation of others. It's what I wrote about previously. I believe this had to happen before I finished 'Plight of the Chronic Talker' because this was an important lesson for me. How I act versus how I'd like to act. That being said, I still said a lot of goofy, off-hand, shit but didn't get any replies because either people don't respond to that in Germany or they didn't understand me. On a basic level, pleasantries were all that were exchanged and also all that were needed for me to communicate. I like that, but it isn't something you can do unless you're in this situation. For example, once I know German I will certainly listen to others conversations; when you understand the language its more difficult to block it out. But perhaps, as it will never be my native language, I can block it better even if I can understand it, should I choose to listen. I could probably do the same with English too, but my habit is to listen in. So, would breaking that habit make me happier?

I love that no one leashes their dogs. It wasn't something I observed in only one city either, but throughout Germany. In general, you'd see dogs, even on the subway(!), without leashes; standing obediently with their owners, or wandering but always responding when spoken to. To me, this indicated good training, an absence of fear from the general populace (of being attacked by random dogs) and a very comfortable/relaxed Dog-Human dynamic. It's freedom for man and beast alike and a trust that exists naturally. I usually won't take Charlie anywhere if I have to keep him on a leash, I've never liked it. I've always preferred letting him do his thing while I do mine and when I need him, he comes; everybody's happy. In America, a dog without a least is lost or a threat, in Germany it's just a dog whose owner is close by but not concerned with what their dog is doing because they trust it and have trained it well. Yes, Charlie and I would be much happier in that environment.

What I Won't Miss:

The salty/fatty food, though this was my choice and I could easily live here and not eat like that. I rarely eat out so my diet here would be about the same though there are things I like better here, like their bread and yogurt, which is fine. Salty/fatty food is rampant in America too when you eat out! 

Disappointment: As usual, disappointment comes from expectations unfulfilled, which is my own fault, not Germany's. Admittedly, I expected (though I'm not sure why; ok, we'll call it 'wished') that I would meet a hot German, fall in love, get married and never go back. Yes, this is every bit as ridiculous as it sounds; but as it would've been the easiest way for me to stay, and I already know I'm extremely lazy in this department, I'm not at all surprised by these hopes.

Ironically, I did fall in love with a hot German and do want to marry him.... too bad he's gay and would find that request odd at best since we've only hung out 2 times, haha. Come hell or high water, though, I will see him again; either in CA in Sept or in Liverpool or somewhere else. This is actually more of a knowing. I just have a feeling about him.

No, instead I'll have to work hard to make it back here to stay and it will happen if it's meant too. I have a good plan and one that will certainly work if I want it badly enough. I'm going back without reservations, but a new goal. I can't resent my life in America, I must go back, so I will and I am; but I can also realign my habits to bring me closer to happiness and now I know that happiness involves moving abroad. I've always suspected I'd feel more at home in a different country and now I know it's true. I never suspected that country would be Germany, however, having my sights set on Scotland or New Zealand. Those places too, will likely be my home at one point or another. What this trip has really taught me is that I'm fine with being somewhere for a couple of days, then strapping everything to my back and relocating somewhere new. New people/places to see and explore. Making a home for myself with the few things I consider to be essential: clothes, food, sugar-free tablets (haha) and a journal/book... ok, and an iPod. I'm actually a bit surprised by this. I thought I'd be stressed out, but I really haven't been, at least not on a conscious plane. I've thoroughly enjoyed being so mobile and 'go with the flow'. Make a general plan for the day/area, but just ultimately doing what I feel inclined to do. In short, traveling suits me, and I especially think that it's true given my personality traits of independence and self-reliance. I like meeting up with friends, but I'm also absolutely fine on my own as well. I'll have to concentrate on how I might integrate this into my future. In this Human existence everything is connected to one thing: work (to get $ to live). Though the Germans separate their work and personal life better than Americans, it's indisputable that they couldn't live/enjoy hobbies and life in general without money, which you need to work for. So, if I want to live here, I have to work here. With regards to traveling I have 2 choices:

1) Integrate travel and work

2) Work and travel as a hobby

I can't say that I have a preference one way or another, but I think 1 is the most ideal, cuz then I could further integrate it with 2. Ok, so I lied, my preference is 1. 

As far as the nature of work goes, I could either stay with pharma (industry or clinical research) or do bar tending/waitressing. I'm willing to do the latter only while working on a permanent position within the former. I've worked too hard to live on a waitressing salary and while I like people, working in that environment is stressful, frustrating and emotionally exhausting. My preference would be Project Management within clinical research, but I'd need to monitor first; a stepping stone I'd gladly take! But I need to know languages; French and German at least, to be competitive. I'll have to determine if Rosetta Stone will be enough, or if I'll have to take classes. Step 1: Finish German Rosetta Stone, if it works get upper levels for French, if I need more to be fluent, sign up for conversational classes at CU Boulder. Meanwhile, I need to really work my pharma connections and build my resume/experience at Amgen. That what I call a solid plan!

Dedicate extra time for/Balance:

1) Training Schedule for Running

2) Learning German

3) Social Time with Friends

Here's something to consider (!): if I get a position at Amgen and get trained to audit, I can use that for my resume to become a monitor! I could definitely deal with California for 2-3 years for that silver lining, easily. I'm suddenly extremely grateful that I'm so young...  I can get to my projected career path to Monitor by 30, and then hopefully make it to PM by 35. Yes, this is my ultimate goal: International Project Manager for Pharmaceutical Clinical Research (and Marathon Runner :)... and fluent in French and German) WOOT!

[Back to the Future: Well... I'm 30 and my new plan is that I have a one year visa and a one-way ticket to New Zealand; I don't give a shit where I work or how much money I make, I just want to live abroad and I'm finally going to do it!]

11:02

I was just thinking about the thing with Mom and trying to remind myself that I have to choose to love her despite it and accept that I can't control her actions. It sucks that I feel upset about getting her that clock when I'm not, nor will I ever, really be a priority in her life. It's not about money, rather that clock and the financial sacrifices I made indicates how much she means to me (in light of this I guess it' appropriate that I bought myself a clock that cost more, haha, as I should be and am my #1 priority). This exacerbates my already deeply inlaid belief that words mean nothing to me, they can't be trusted and this is precisely how I learned/came to believe that! She said she was worried, but her actions indicate the very opposite. To me, this is illogical which upsets and confuses me and in the end I take away two things: 1) Words have no meaning, 2) You can't trust what others say. 

Oh, and I'd better write this too before I conveniently leave it out, push it down/ignore it: DJ (CJ's Stepmother) commented on my FB status regarding my travels back to the US. She said it seemed I had a good trip and wished me safe travels back; very nice. But I can't help but wonder, does she and CJ's Dad even know? Surely they must... but I can't be 100% certain. It's just a reminder of that f'ed up situation, though I do greatly appreciate her positive energy and well wishes, I'm not to know her as I once would have. Our paths no longer cross and won't, she must know that and feel sad about it on some level and wishes me well to indicate such. It does me no good to analyze such things, but that's what helps me separate and organize my own emotions so I can learn and file it away; so there you have it. I could've unfriended everyone from that part of my life, but chose not to and certainly PM (CJ's Mother) unfriended me or she would have been commenting on everything left and right. I have nothing to regret, no resentments against the people; there is no blame. I guess it just seems so strange and distant now. She's effectively a stranger to me, yet obviously a good person with good intentions.... or she could be rubbing this all in his face. I sincerely hope the former is true, but I'll never know.

One thing is for sure, had we still been together, this trip - in the capacity it took place and needed to take place - would never have happened. The palm reader, all those years ago, foreshadowed my sadness and tole me I'd need something like this; alone. I'm so grateful for this opportunity to know myself, how to address my thoughts/feelings/emotions, and best yet, how to get answers when I'm confused or uncertain. Truly best of all, realizing that sometimes there aren't any answers, you just have to be courageous, have faith and move forward towards happiness the best way that I can. I am certainly a different and better person than I've ever been and the transition to this state was painful, but like getting a tattoo, that pain has faded and the memory now seems distant, like I've always been this way. It's not that I was, rather it's how I can be sure it's how I was meant to be. I'm on the right path and I'm fulfilling my contract. This brings great peace of mind and all I can say is thank you and bring on the next round!

18:00
Just crossed via the ferry into Denmark. I had to change trains in Pultgarden due to a technical issue with the other train. While crossing I took advantage of the space to walk around as much as possible but spent a lot of time watching the water, it turned into a kind of meditation and I found myself considering feelings regarding leaving Germany and I surprisingly almost cried. The only way I can bare it is in knowing that it's temporary. I thought of returning to Stuttgart and my heart instantly filled with happiness. It's bitter sweet that I've found home and had to leave it again so soon; but to know, in this expansive world that there is such a place, brings me peace as well. Also, it makes me glad that all those years I never quite felt I was in the right place were not in vain; it was not just adolescent finickiness, a consequence of small-town living, rather a justified knowing that my true home lies elsewhere.

Why Germany Feels Like Home:
- Streets I can naturally navigate
- The green of the trees
- The moisture of earth and air
- The people I can be comfortable and quiet with
- The paths that naturally call me to run
- The food that clearly communicates (for better or worse, haha) with my Body
- The sound of birds and water
- The slugs and snails (j/k)
- The country within the city, there is always an escape (Holy shit, I went through both of my red pens on this trip! [The writing continues in black])
- The inspiration and intuition which seems to naturally find me here, because here I can breath, relax and think, because here I am home and can be whole

What's not to love about gigantic cannabalistic slugs and snails?

21:33

Ok, was just thoroughly confused at the train station, but per an attendant, I'm now on the 21:32 train to Lund C. Two trains were leaving at 21:52, one to Malmo and the other to Helsingor; neither mentioned Lund. I tried looking at the map but didn't see Lund anywhere and all the info booths were closed. I saw a long-haired dude with a DSB shirt so I asked him and he told me to take the train to Malmo and said the other went in the wrong direction. So, I headed down to track 5, on the other platform (#6) I looked over and saw it was the 21:32 to Helsingor and it also said Malmo, etc. I asked the train attendant about my ticket and she said to take this train to Lund C, so I did, haha. Oh boy, it's a bit late in the game to miss a train now! Anyway, I'm on my way to Lund (hopefully) where I'll catch my next train to Stockholm.... finally.

Since I had time to kill in Koebenhavn I walked around the train station, went to 7-11 for a 'diet Sprite' danish style which is called Faxe Kondi Free (it's good, but the first taste you get is salt, then you get the lemon-lime, more like 7-Up than Sprite), and a banana chocolate crisp protein bar (I couldn't resist) and some spicy/hot beef jerky (again, a known weakness and favorite travel companion). Then, anxious to walk while I could, I went outside for a walk around and I'm glad I did! It didn't seem nearly as disgusting as I remember. In fact, I saw plenty of pretty/old architecture and other fun stuff. So, I at least partially retract my previous dislike of Koebenhavn, and I'll attribute it to hunger more than anything, and that the rain made everything look/feel a bit foul. When I came back I wanted to use the bathroom and couldn't figure out why my 10 krona piece wouldn't work as the price was 5. Well, it occurred to me, as 2 other ladies were waiting.... that I was attempting to put Swedish krona in a Danish machine; wrong country! Haha, that was fun... and the lady behind me thankfully gave me the money. So nice of her!

Danish bathroom vending machines sure are interesting!

I hope I actually sleep on the night train.... we'll see.

Travel Day 19: Tuesday, 07/03/2014

10:20 [Link to All Pics]
Great morning so far! I stopped (am currently) at Cafe Munich around the LMU campus for a bit of a rest and a cappuccino before heading into the park.

I started out taking the U3 to Odeonsplatz and walked through Maximilianplatz, saw the obelisk at Karolinenplatz, continued to Konigsplatz and saw the 3 different 'Pinakothek' buildings. I couldn't figure out the need for 3 varieties (Neue, Alte and der Moderne) until I realized that a pinakothek is an art gallery, haha; now it makes sense. I then continued up to LMU, which is a cool campus, the archway with the lion chariot was awesome! and now I'll have a nice long walk through the Englischer Garten. After I have my fill there, later I'd like to go back down to the one downtown walk-street that I missed yesterday (Theatinerstrausse) and perhaps walk south along the river. The European Parliament and Museuminsel (museum island) is down that way and it would be cool to walk about the island (Erhardtstrausse between Boschbrucke and Cornelius). Actually that's really close to the other restaurant I wanted to try (Wirtshaus Zum Straubinger) on Blumenstrausse/Mullerstrausse, so I'll try to head that way for dinner.

Oh, I just saw there's a walkway connecting Schwindinsel and Museuminsel, so I'll do that then go see parliament. Not bad for only having 2 days and a heel that is threatening to dislocate from the rest of my body!

My shorts got disgusting somehow, but I think the mystery will be easy to solve since I've pissed in parks at least 3 times today already. Ok, feeling refreshed and caffeinated. Off to the park.

It was like being in the middle of a deep forest, but you're in Munich!

This is one of the Park's main attractions, inspired by Chinese architecture.

14:45
A slight disappointment turned out to be a pleasant surprise! After the park and island walks I decided I'd rather have something different than more salty German food. Remembering the Afghani restaurant during my walk along Sendlinger between Sendlinger Tor and Marienplatz, I headed there. Unfortunately they close between 14:30 and 18:00 so I just missed lunch, I rather eat something now and have a very small dinner, so I set out for something else. Oh, and after 18:00 the price gets huge! Instead I found an interesting little place with pizza called 'Copa' and the guy is so friendly! I'm getting a 'salat pizza' with tandoori chicken, basil, tomato, mushrooms, mozzarella and 'colors' (that's verbatim), this was his idea and exactly what he wrote on my slip, haha. It'll be a lot less [money] and better for me too. Hooray!

The park was absolutely gigantic and beautiful and the islands were nice too. That really beautiful church that reminds me of the Berlin Cathedral is called Mariannenplatz. After this I need to head back to the tourist spot for something for Charlie's sitter, something better than the magnet; and ok, I'll admit that I want it for me, haha.

Mariannenplatz

I went into Galeria earlier to look around and go to the bathroom and if I'm not going to hell over the Heidelberg magnet, I'm definitely going now. I picked up a container of mixed fruit because there was something in there that looked really like kiwi but bigger and it was the color of a beet. I opened it, ate the fruit while looking around, then threw out the container. Something I picked up from one of my Mother's ex-boyfriends, haha. Yeah, cuz he was a huge influence on my life [sarcasm], but he did leave an impression when I saw him eat chips and drink a soda while shopping then not pay for them. It's something I've done more than a couple of times since.

Anyway, there's that thief again? I also thought: false sense of entitlement, aka Athlete? I think I should attribute that less to the Athlete archetype and more to the Asshole, haha. Hey, Caroline missed a key universal archetype; the Asshole! Newly inducted in the 20th-21st century.... perhaps I should write to her.

Gonna bum around after this, I officially feel satisfied with seeing Munich and I have to find a Rewe or some other kind of grocery store. I'm pretty sure there's one around the hostel.

Ok, this may seriously be the best fucking pizza I've ever had. I'm not even kidding. This chicken is awesome and the 'colors' were fresh chives, red and yellow pepper, and it's huge. I'm taking half home for dinner and also I'm flanked by smoking Italians.... so I don't want to eat more.

18:20

And I successfully saved it for dinner and didn't get gelato! Yay me!

Holy freaking exhausted! While walking back from grocery shopping and meandering/mapping out a running path for the morning, I saw the same 2 old Asian women I roomed with in Fussen! I swear it was them... Thank God I have my own room here, haha; I don't know which one was the snorer, but I had great sleep last night and want to keep it up, especially since I'll be on trains/planes for the next 2 days.

So, due to my belly and having time to burn, I decided to walk around this area only to find that it's a huge park with lots of running trails! Since I have to sit all damn day tomorrow I'm going running in the morning, but it'll have to be really early (05:00), cuz I need to be ready for breakfast and such to leave for Hbf.

I know it's bad, but I'm gonna leave some non-essentials behind to lighten my pack and make room for some food, haha. I bought carrots, apples, bananas, a green pepper and low fat milk drinks for the next 2 days. I'll get bread and other stuff from breakfast tomorrow. My squirreling abilities are unparalleled! Geez, I need to get my pack in order and such but my feet aren't allowing me to put any weight on them! I seriously think I heard them just tell me to fuck off. I better be nice and listen so we can run tomorrow.

I really can't get over how kick ass that pizza was... talk about an unexpected treat!

Ok; got rid of a considerable amount of shit. I should be able to put the food containers in the pack. Plan for tomorrow:

05:00-06:00 - Run/Jog

06:00-07:00 - Shower/Final Pack

07:30 - Head to Hbf

Trains: 

1) München (ICE 09:05) to Hamburg (14:54)

2) Hamburg (ICE 15:28) to Kobenhavn H (20:16)

3) Kobenhavn H (21:52) to Lund C (Tag 1106 22:40)

4) Lund C (22:55) to Stockholm C (Tag 2, Vagn 6 Platz 39 06:30)

- Tool around Stockholm for a bit/stretch my legs, go to a grocery store and get stuff for breakfast and lunch

- Take bus to Arlanda around 10:00 for my 14:00 flight to JFK via Reykjavik 

Travel Day 18: Monday, 07/02/2012

07:40 Fussen [Link to Fussen Pics]
I had trouble sleeping again last night. Though the other Asians left, one of the new ones also has a powerful septum it seems. It didn't take me long to realize thought that I was just cranky cuz of buzzing mosquitos and severe hunger pains. At 2am I gave in and had a protein bar while messing around on the internet for awhile. I guess I shouldn't be surprised at my ravenous hunger after yesterday... but the fear. I just repeated the calm/relax, sleep, mantra until I was out and slept well after that.

Ok, so while walking to the castles yesterday I had clear visions of CJ, 1) him looking up at me from his station at Starbucks and 2) him giving me one of his goofy wave/smile combos. Yes, I miss him and for some reason, related or otherwise, Whitney Fucking Houston's 'I Will Always Love You' has been in my head.

Will I ever be over this? It is really just a hard habit to break? Though these visions wreck me because I resist them, don't want them, they no longer (and haven't for awhile) inspire strong feelings of regret, guilt or sadness. So why are they coming up? What lesson have I missed that cause my memory to replay these things? I need your help. Is it related to something else that popped in yesterday? When I mysteriously heard myself say: "oh, I'm not 'relationship material'"?

I know it's not true, but when I love, I love with a devotion that is unparalleled and I'm afraid of getting into that situation again, until I learn to balance my tendency for extremes better; until I learn to let go of control and be respectful of others' independent wills and intuitions. I know the only way to really practice is to have another relationship.... which brings me to a dream I had about 2-3 nights ago and meant to write down but didn't.

I was with my regular friends and a new comer, it seemed, and we were getting to know each other. I remember he was tall, light, not particularly hot, but extremely kind and caring. I was pulling my "these things happened, but I'm over it," tough girl act, which I think everyone sees through except my own ego, and he was sympathetic. Actually, now I think of it, it was exactly how I felt when SR looked at me in the elevator during our first good-bye; that sympathetic look like he could see it all despite my act. Huh. Anyway, I made the first move, just a small one, I put my hand on his leg or something and he took it in his in return; I immediately felt the connection, then the dream was over.

Obviously, I got 'I make the first move' significance because this is something my paralyzing fear of rejection makes damn near impossible. I have to think more on this, but it seems that I won't forget CJ and that fear until I courageously forge ahead. Right now I'm caught in the limbo of transformation and I need to find the Soul that will help me complete my metamorphosis, which I believe also involves moving here, abroad. To do this however, I need to be open, listen closely to my intuition and above all, courageously put forth my emotional debilitations.

11:05
Caught the earlier train to Munchen since I got done with my final tour of Fussen a bit early. The cemetery was gorgeous and the walkways are always nice. I really want to know why the Lech River is that color though! It can't be natural....

The River was a pale green color

Extremely well decorated graves!

A vending machine for devotional candles; interesting concept......

So, I got part of the answer, I've transformed as much as I can on my own. Now I have to trust that God will bring a person to help me further into my life. Until then I wait, practicing my principles, being courageous with my faults and fears and with all my senses and intuition alert. Now that country song 'Meet in the Middle' by Alabama (?) is in my head, haha. Significant? For me, definitely; the middle is a tough ground to find.

I'm still wicked excited about my cuckoo clock. The houses here actually look like the clock, but even with them being so rural and small they have solar panels (most, at least). We seem to be too far behind [in America] : /

18:00 Munich [Link to Munich Pics]
At Hofbrauhaus mit und Grobe (Mas) Hofbrau Drunkel Bier (1 Litre!) I ordered meatloaf and potato salad with a bread basket which has a little of everything. Woot.

BOOM

I was really ready to sit. I've been walking for about 3 hours and I'll have another nice walk (or stumble) after dinner. It's a gorgeous city. Most of tomorrow will be devoted to the Englischer Garten, which is basically the size of fucking Manhattan.

Service in Germany is funny and this place is so huge. You basically sit somewhere and pray someone spots you. I approached a waiter eventually and he told me to move to his section and he'd serve me, and I did. Oh dear, about 5 sips in and I can already feel it.

By far the strangest thing I've seen so far was the random statue in Promenade-Platz ordained with MJ memorabilia and Christ-like alters and offerings. It was funny, but also creepy and sad. And why that statue? Did he once visit and like that one especially? I will never know....

The Germans seem to revere MJ as much as David Hasselhoff

I'm really glad I decided to just stay in Munich tomorrow. I could easily be here for a week and not see everything I'd like.

Woah, ok, German meatloaf does not equal American meatloaf. What I have before me is effectively a huge piece of bologna/Spam. It tastes good though... and salty. The potato salad is great, vinegar/mustard and onion-y. The bread and pretzels are still warm and now I have some mustard. Yay. Definitely better with some mustard to cut the saltiness.

I definitely didn't realize I had ordered a huge slice of fucking Spam...

I just took a pic of a kid who is 21 if I'm 12 years old. Also, I just saw 2 Asians get the big beers, haha, this oughta be good.

19:35
A family of 4 sat next to me and I felt damned awkward being alone, which isn't like me, but I must've looked sad. I damn near left without paying and left a third of the Bier, but I did pay. Now I'm at a nice little cafe (Vee) with a cappuccino and a delicious piece of caramel/nut cake. Going real light tomorrow! And, I'm gonna sightsee a bit more and walk back to the hostel. My feet (especially my left heel) are killing me, haha. This cake is worth the indulgence, it's buttery and has coconut so it must at least be some rendition of German chocolate cake.

I won't lie, I'm not excited to go back to the States, but I'm also not interested in staying here alone either. It is time, time for me to get over it and move on. Yes, I may get my heart broken again, but my contract certainly requires me to transform via the energy of others. My own energy needed serious adjusting and I mended it the best I could alone, now it's time to meet and engage with my next contractor. I have a feeling it'll have something to do w/ SR, or it's just wishful thinking, haha. Hard to tell, it's too early to know. I trust everything will happen as, and when, it should.

Ok, just got the low-down on the MJ tribute from the barista. Apparently he stayed in the hotel across from it [the statue] a lot. Coincidentally, it's the most expensive and famous hotel in Munich. They're playing a CD here that's U2 and Sting re-done to latin beats and even translated into Spanish, haha, it's actually quite nice. I should also mention that I came here because I couldn't find the one from Trip Advisor, haha. But it's nice and warm. Stupidly, I didn't bring my hoodie and it's misty/rainy and cold now : ( That's what I get. Ok, me, my H2O/Drunkel baby and my caffeinated legs are off!

22:00
I just got back about 15 minutes ago, haha. The walk started out great, I walked through another really cool cemetery, and I remembered that Thalikirschstasse (T) would basically take me all the way there, well that fucking street is like the Bermuda Triangle! I can't even remember how may times I found myself at [the corner of] T and T, but it was at least 4 times. Two of the times was because I had to walk around some type of huge and creepy compound.... either an army base or concentration camp; what's the difference really? I had walked so far and gotten so turned around that I was stoked to finally see a U-bahn station. It was the one that was only 1 stop away on the U3 from the hostel's stop, so I said "Fuck it, I'm walking"! I was so determined/committed at that point I couldn't bare taking the train for only one stop. I figured I was lost beyond all hope... maybe even in a different country, haha. Anyway, by he time I saw landmarks which indicated I was close, I was literally saying things out load (to myself or whomever, the road, Germany in general): "Fuck you, I win!" It makes me think of NS; something she would say.

I really love cemeteries.

Anyway, I made it, stayed in the lobby a bit to update Facebook (check-in and meatloaf comment), bitch at Mom for not writing back, emailed MP (I think, I guessed her address), and also watched two chicks from a German version of Sparkle Motion do some squirrely dance moves.

My tired feet barely took me upstairs and I realized... My room has it's own shower/bathroom and it's just me!! Oh, the luxury! No Asians, no creeping about trying to be quiet.

Tomorrow I'd like to walk along the river to the Garden, but I want to at least find a train station near the river to start from. I thought I'd walk the whole way, but after tonight - fuck that. Still, I'm grateful to burn off some of the damage and now I just have to pound H2O and wait for the salt to cycle through. I'm so bloated and full of H2O I can feel my skin (hands, feet, belly, legs) stretching. Oh, Germany, how you tempt me into indulgence! Last day to do that is tomorrow though. Let's see how I fare : )

Travel Day 17: Sunday, 07/01/2012

09:40 [Fussen Pics]
My tour at Schloss Hohenschwangau [Castle H] starts in 10 minutes! Then my tour at the other castle is at 12:05. Perfect timing :) The walk here was gorgeous; there's so many slugs and meadows of flowers and dense trees, it's all so gorgeous. The castles have obviously been redone, but they still look great and there's cuckoo clock shops.

On the trail

Schloss Hohenschwangau

I decided to empty my pack and use that today, it's way better than the purse. I also brought my pedometer for S&G then had the genius idea to reset the time and use it as a watch; and it's much more accessible than the iPod. All the trail times on the map are for old people apparently cuz I do them in half the time. I may walk around the lake (Alpsee) or I think there's a trail that actually crosses the Austrian border! I'm going to ask and if it does, I'm all over it. Tour time.

13:22
I'm even ahead of schedule, I'm amazing! and utterly fucking exhausted... After the first tour, which was cool, a good length though others said it was short and disappointing. Any longer and I would've been bored and antsy. Schloss H has obviously been redone and has really lost any feeling that it's even old, but there was cool shit inside. It's privately owned by the duke so no pics (in either castle). After that tour I hauled ass around the lake trail and did it in about an hour, then had to basically run all the way straight up to the other castle, making my tour with about 2 minutes to spare. It was a gorgeous hike though.

Both castles from the other side of Lake Alpsee; N on the left and S on the right.

Castle N from Castle S; notice how far up I had to hike. It was a good thing I live in Colorado at the time!

Castle N from the bridge over the gorge.

Schloss Neuschwanstein [Castle S] was WAY cooler and it's the one Disney modeled. It wasn't finished because they stopped construction when Ludwig died, still absolutely tits though. That one bridge was over a fucking gorge, so I went and took 3 pics and ran off the damn thing. Now I'm having my 2nd sandwich and resting before my trek down to Altstadt. Quite a haul today!

So, this place is fucking packed with Asians. It's crazy. Sadly, I found my stress elevating as I was surrounded by more Americans; always negatively criticizing or making extremely obvious statements. I kept my mouth shut and hoped to God no one thought I was also American. Sad, but true.

I have all Asian hostel-mates and for small people, damn do they snore loudly! I doubt I got over 3-4 hours of sleep, haha. Those are my racisms, Americans and Asians. I oughtn't have any; now there's a life long goal. As concerns Americans, I just feel resentful for the way they act and knowing I'm like that too and I don't want to be. This requires acceptance that I need God's help with. One day at a time. For now, I'm just really happy I'm here and having this opportunity.

16:00
And thank you once again God! Literally, right after I wrote that above I struck up a conversation with 4 girls studying abroad in France from Georgia Tech. They looked so young! They were really nice girls and I enjoyed talking to them; ok, ok, so not all Americans are horrible, haha. I think it's just that the 2 guys on the tour of Schloss N with me were so typical white guy-mundane. I'm just so desperate for something/someone/someplace different. It's unfair for me to blame my dislike of my old habits, the ordinary, on them or anyone else.... like turbo-engine snoring Asians.

So.... now for the coolest part. I bought Mom a cuckoo clock at the shop I saw across from the ticket sales building! Not only did I get Mom one, but I got one too!! Mom's is red and has a St. Bernard on it; mine is green with a guy drinking bier, haha. Both are hand crafted, all wood, authentic German cuckoos made in the Black Forest! Best of all, since I shipped them to Mom in the US, they took off the 19% German tax and added a $35 shipping charge, so I ended up saving like $30 [on each]. Sweet, yay! I was so excited I had a smile on my face all 5 km back to Fussen.

Now I'm at Aquila Restaurant enjoying a cappuccino and a wonderful pasta Italy-meets-India dish with turkey breast, broccoli, asparagus, zucchini, peas, chives, tomato, peppers and carrots, covered in a delicious curry cream sauce. Since it's only 16:11, I will still have plenty of time to go see the church though it is kinda rainy/cold now. My feet are going to deserve a break tonight! According to my pedometer I've walked 13.36 miles today. Woot.

I think the key to satiety and health is milk fat. I've been eating a lot of it and it's great fuel!

Oh goodness, 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' just came on, haha. Wow, I was gonna have dessert but it's so early and that was so filling (I'm feeling too good to ruin it with guilt). My tummy is happy, so I'm calling it good. I just saw there's a walkway, 'Konig Ludwig Promenade', right to the cemetery. Werd.

I literally can't wait to tell Mom to expect her B-day surprise in 3-4 weeks via DHL. Then I'll impatiently have to wait to bring home my own clock!

18:32
I went to the souvenir shop to finish shopping and by the time I was done it was a freezing downpour. Since I was in cloth short-shorts and a tank top, I bee-lined it for the hostel. It's cleared up a bit, so I may go back out to the cemetery.

Tomorrow: Fussen (RE 08:06) to Munich (10:06)

Gift Inventory:
Dad - Swedish guitar pick
Step-Mom - Schloss N keychain
Gramma - Swedish keychain
Mom - Shotglass
Sis - German pants coin purse and Cow soap
Bro In-Law - Das Boot shotglass
Younger Niece - Teddy bear thing
Older Niece - Schloss N tea set
Nephew - Schloss N bier mug set
Mom's BF - Swedish mini mug
Charlie's Sitter - Cuckcoo clock magnet

Now I'm re-thinking my travel plans. Munich to Berchtesgarten is 3 hours, each way. Munich to Nuremberg is only 1.5 hours OR I could just use the free travel day on the S bahn and further explore Munich. That way I can leave Fussen a little later tomorrow as well.... oh the options! I would really like to explore the cemetery and I could take the morning to do it justice and store my stuff in a lockers downstairs while I'm out. Hmmm, that definitely sounds less stressful... I'll be honest, my feet are done for the day and Munich is supposed to be awesome, so I think I should have more time there. And, this way I won't have to pay to store my pack at Munich Hbf. Ok, I've obviously talked myself into it! I need to go check out those lockers though and be sure I can use one until noon or so...

20:57
.... Sure can, then I was able to get online, so I just wasted about 2 hours. I'm feeling guilty for eating an apple, piece of Valrhona and small luna bar. Why?! I was gonna get dessert and didn't; no, I'm proud, damn proud!

Tentative plan for tomorrow:
06:30-07:30 Shower/store pack/breakfast
07:30-11:30 1) König Ludwig Promenade and cemetery, 2) Ziegetangerweg/Ziegelberg
12:06 Train to Munich, arrive 14:04

Woot!