07:40 Fussen [Link to Fussen Pics]
I had trouble sleeping again last night. Though the other Asians left, one of the new ones also has a powerful septum it seems. It didn't take me long to realize thought that I was just cranky cuz of buzzing mosquitos and severe hunger pains. At 2am I gave in and had a protein bar while messing around on the internet for awhile. I guess I shouldn't be surprised at my ravenous hunger after yesterday... but the fear. I just repeated the calm/relax, sleep, mantra until I was out and slept well after that.
Ok, so while walking to the castles yesterday I had clear visions of CJ, 1) him looking up at me from his station at Starbucks and 2) him giving me one of his goofy wave/smile combos. Yes, I miss him and for some reason, related or otherwise, Whitney Fucking Houston's 'I Will Always Love You' has been in my head.
Will I ever be over this? It is really just a hard habit to break? Though these visions wreck me because I resist them, don't want them, they no longer (and haven't for awhile) inspire strong feelings of regret, guilt or sadness. So why are they coming up? What lesson have I missed that cause my memory to replay these things? I need your help. Is it related to something else that popped in yesterday? When I mysteriously heard myself say: "oh, I'm not 'relationship material'"?
I know it's not true, but when I love, I love with a devotion that is unparalleled and I'm afraid of getting into that situation again, until I learn to balance my tendency for extremes better; until I learn to let go of control and be respectful of others' independent wills and intuitions. I know the only way to really practice is to have another relationship.... which brings me to a dream I had about 2-3 nights ago and meant to write down but didn't.
I was with my regular friends and a new comer, it seemed, and we were getting to know each other. I remember he was tall, light, not particularly hot, but extremely kind and caring. I was pulling my "these things happened, but I'm over it," tough girl act, which I think everyone sees through except my own ego, and he was sympathetic. Actually, now I think of it, it was exactly how I felt when SR looked at me in the elevator during our first good-bye; that sympathetic look like he could see it all despite my act. Huh. Anyway, I made the first move, just a small one, I put my hand on his leg or something and he took it in his in return; I immediately felt the connection, then the dream was over.
Obviously, I got 'I make the first move' significance because this is something my paralyzing fear of rejection makes damn near impossible. I have to think more on this, but it seems that I won't forget CJ and that fear until I courageously forge ahead. Right now I'm caught in the limbo of transformation and I need to find the Soul that will help me complete my metamorphosis, which I believe also involves moving here, abroad. To do this however, I need to be open, listen closely to my intuition and above all, courageously put forth my emotional debilitations.
11:05
Caught the earlier train to Munchen since I got done with my final tour of Fussen a bit early. The cemetery was gorgeous and the walkways are always nice. I really want to know why the Lech River is that color though! It can't be natural....
So, I got part of the answer, I've transformed as much as I can on my own. Now I have to trust that God will bring a person to help me further into my life. Until then I wait, practicing my principles, being courageous with my faults and fears and with all my senses and intuition alert. Now that country song 'Meet in the Middle' by Alabama (?) is in my head, haha. Significant? For me, definitely; the middle is a tough ground to find.
I'm still wicked excited about my cuckoo clock. The houses here actually look like the clock, but even with them being so rural and small they have solar panels (most, at least). We seem to be too far behind [in America] : /
18:00 Munich [Link to Munich Pics]
At Hofbrauhaus mit und Grobe (Mas) Hofbrau Drunkel Bier (1 Litre!) I ordered meatloaf and potato salad with a bread basket which has a little of everything. Woot.
I was really ready to sit. I've been walking for about 3 hours and I'll have another nice walk (or stumble) after dinner. It's a gorgeous city. Most of tomorrow will be devoted to the Englischer Garten, which is basically the size of fucking Manhattan.
Service in Germany is funny and this place is so huge. You basically sit somewhere and pray someone spots you. I approached a waiter eventually and he told me to move to his section and he'd serve me, and I did. Oh dear, about 5 sips in and I can already feel it.
By far the strangest thing I've seen so far was the random statue in Promenade-Platz ordained with MJ memorabilia and Christ-like alters and offerings. It was funny, but also creepy and sad. And why that statue? Did he once visit and like that one especially? I will never know....
I'm really glad I decided to just stay in Munich tomorrow. I could easily be here for a week and not see everything I'd like.
Woah, ok, German meatloaf does not equal American meatloaf. What I have before me is effectively a huge piece of bologna/Spam. It tastes good though... and salty. The potato salad is great, vinegar/mustard and onion-y. The bread and pretzels are still warm and now I have some mustard. Yay. Definitely better with some mustard to cut the saltiness.
I just took a pic of a kid who is 21 if I'm 12 years old. Also, I just saw 2 Asians get the big beers, haha, this oughta be good.
19:35
A family of 4 sat next to me and I felt damned awkward being alone, which isn't like me, but I must've looked sad. I damn near left without paying and left a third of the Bier, but I did pay. Now I'm at a nice little cafe (Vee) with a cappuccino and a delicious piece of caramel/nut cake. Going real light tomorrow! And, I'm gonna sightsee a bit more and walk back to the hostel. My feet (especially my left heel) are killing me, haha. This cake is worth the indulgence, it's buttery and has coconut so it must at least be some rendition of German chocolate cake.
I won't lie, I'm not excited to go back to the States, but I'm also not interested in staying here alone either. It is time, time for me to get over it and move on. Yes, I may get my heart broken again, but my contract certainly requires me to transform via the energy of others. My own energy needed serious adjusting and I mended it the best I could alone, now it's time to meet and engage with my next contractor. I have a feeling it'll have something to do w/ SR, or it's just wishful thinking, haha. Hard to tell, it's too early to know. I trust everything will happen as, and when, it should.
Ok, just got the low-down on the MJ tribute from the barista. Apparently he stayed in the hotel across from it [the statue] a lot. Coincidentally, it's the most expensive and famous hotel in Munich. They're playing a CD here that's U2 and Sting re-done to latin beats and even translated into Spanish, haha, it's actually quite nice. I should also mention that I came here because I couldn't find the one from Trip Advisor, haha. But it's nice and warm. Stupidly, I didn't bring my hoodie and it's misty/rainy and cold now : ( That's what I get. Ok, me, my H2O/Drunkel baby and my caffeinated legs are off!
22:00
I just got back about 15 minutes ago, haha. The walk started out great, I walked through another really cool cemetery, and I remembered that Thalikirschstasse (T) would basically take me all the way there, well that fucking street is like the Bermuda Triangle! I can't even remember how may times I found myself at [the corner of] T and T, but it was at least 4 times. Two of the times was because I had to walk around some type of huge and creepy compound.... either an army base or concentration camp; what's the difference really? I had walked so far and gotten so turned around that I was stoked to finally see a U-bahn station. It was the one that was only 1 stop away on the U3 from the hostel's stop, so I said "Fuck it, I'm walking"! I was so determined/committed at that point I couldn't bare taking the train for only one stop. I figured I was lost beyond all hope... maybe even in a different country, haha. Anyway, by he time I saw landmarks which indicated I was close, I was literally saying things out load (to myself or whomever, the road, Germany in general): "Fuck you, I win!" It makes me think of NS; something she would say.
Anyway, I made it, stayed in the lobby a bit to update Facebook (check-in and meatloaf comment), bitch at Mom for not writing back, emailed MP (I think, I guessed her address), and also watched two chicks from a German version of Sparkle Motion do some squirrely dance moves.
My tired feet barely took me upstairs and I realized... My room has it's own shower/bathroom and it's just me!! Oh, the luxury! No Asians, no creeping about trying to be quiet.
Tomorrow I'd like to walk along the river to the Garden, but I want to at least find a train station near the river to start from. I thought I'd walk the whole way, but after tonight - fuck that. Still, I'm grateful to burn off some of the damage and now I just have to pound H2O and wait for the salt to cycle through. I'm so bloated and full of H2O I can feel my skin (hands, feet, belly, legs) stretching. Oh, Germany, how you tempt me into indulgence! Last day to do that is tomorrow though. Let's see how I fare : )
I had trouble sleeping again last night. Though the other Asians left, one of the new ones also has a powerful septum it seems. It didn't take me long to realize thought that I was just cranky cuz of buzzing mosquitos and severe hunger pains. At 2am I gave in and had a protein bar while messing around on the internet for awhile. I guess I shouldn't be surprised at my ravenous hunger after yesterday... but the fear. I just repeated the calm/relax, sleep, mantra until I was out and slept well after that.
Ok, so while walking to the castles yesterday I had clear visions of CJ, 1) him looking up at me from his station at Starbucks and 2) him giving me one of his goofy wave/smile combos. Yes, I miss him and for some reason, related or otherwise, Whitney Fucking Houston's 'I Will Always Love You' has been in my head.
Will I ever be over this? It is really just a hard habit to break? Though these visions wreck me because I resist them, don't want them, they no longer (and haven't for awhile) inspire strong feelings of regret, guilt or sadness. So why are they coming up? What lesson have I missed that cause my memory to replay these things? I need your help. Is it related to something else that popped in yesterday? When I mysteriously heard myself say: "oh, I'm not 'relationship material'"?
I know it's not true, but when I love, I love with a devotion that is unparalleled and I'm afraid of getting into that situation again, until I learn to balance my tendency for extremes better; until I learn to let go of control and be respectful of others' independent wills and intuitions. I know the only way to really practice is to have another relationship.... which brings me to a dream I had about 2-3 nights ago and meant to write down but didn't.
I was with my regular friends and a new comer, it seemed, and we were getting to know each other. I remember he was tall, light, not particularly hot, but extremely kind and caring. I was pulling my "these things happened, but I'm over it," tough girl act, which I think everyone sees through except my own ego, and he was sympathetic. Actually, now I think of it, it was exactly how I felt when SR looked at me in the elevator during our first good-bye; that sympathetic look like he could see it all despite my act. Huh. Anyway, I made the first move, just a small one, I put my hand on his leg or something and he took it in his in return; I immediately felt the connection, then the dream was over.
Obviously, I got 'I make the first move' significance because this is something my paralyzing fear of rejection makes damn near impossible. I have to think more on this, but it seems that I won't forget CJ and that fear until I courageously forge ahead. Right now I'm caught in the limbo of transformation and I need to find the Soul that will help me complete my metamorphosis, which I believe also involves moving here, abroad. To do this however, I need to be open, listen closely to my intuition and above all, courageously put forth my emotional debilitations.
11:05
Caught the earlier train to Munchen since I got done with my final tour of Fussen a bit early. The cemetery was gorgeous and the walkways are always nice. I really want to know why the Lech River is that color though! It can't be natural....
 |
| The River was a pale green color |
 |
| Extremely well decorated graves! |
 |
| A vending machine for devotional candles; interesting concept...... |
I'm still wicked excited about my cuckoo clock. The houses here actually look like the clock, but even with them being so rural and small they have solar panels (most, at least). We seem to be too far behind [in America] : /
18:00 Munich [Link to Munich Pics]
At Hofbrauhaus mit und Grobe (Mas) Hofbrau Drunkel Bier (1 Litre!) I ordered meatloaf and potato salad with a bread basket which has a little of everything. Woot.
 |
| BOOM |
Service in Germany is funny and this place is so huge. You basically sit somewhere and pray someone spots you. I approached a waiter eventually and he told me to move to his section and he'd serve me, and I did. Oh dear, about 5 sips in and I can already feel it.
By far the strangest thing I've seen so far was the random statue in Promenade-Platz ordained with MJ memorabilia and Christ-like alters and offerings. It was funny, but also creepy and sad. And why that statue? Did he once visit and like that one especially? I will never know....
 |
| The Germans seem to revere MJ as much as David Hasselhoff |
Woah, ok, German meatloaf does not equal American meatloaf. What I have before me is effectively a huge piece of bologna/Spam. It tastes good though... and salty. The potato salad is great, vinegar/mustard and onion-y. The bread and pretzels are still warm and now I have some mustard. Yay. Definitely better with some mustard to cut the saltiness.
 |
| I definitely didn't realize I had ordered a huge slice of fucking Spam... |
19:35
A family of 4 sat next to me and I felt damned awkward being alone, which isn't like me, but I must've looked sad. I damn near left without paying and left a third of the Bier, but I did pay. Now I'm at a nice little cafe (Vee) with a cappuccino and a delicious piece of caramel/nut cake. Going real light tomorrow! And, I'm gonna sightsee a bit more and walk back to the hostel. My feet (especially my left heel) are killing me, haha. This cake is worth the indulgence, it's buttery and has coconut so it must at least be some rendition of German chocolate cake.
I won't lie, I'm not excited to go back to the States, but I'm also not interested in staying here alone either. It is time, time for me to get over it and move on. Yes, I may get my heart broken again, but my contract certainly requires me to transform via the energy of others. My own energy needed serious adjusting and I mended it the best I could alone, now it's time to meet and engage with my next contractor. I have a feeling it'll have something to do w/ SR, or it's just wishful thinking, haha. Hard to tell, it's too early to know. I trust everything will happen as, and when, it should.
Ok, just got the low-down on the MJ tribute from the barista. Apparently he stayed in the hotel across from it [the statue] a lot. Coincidentally, it's the most expensive and famous hotel in Munich. They're playing a CD here that's U2 and Sting re-done to latin beats and even translated into Spanish, haha, it's actually quite nice. I should also mention that I came here because I couldn't find the one from Trip Advisor, haha. But it's nice and warm. Stupidly, I didn't bring my hoodie and it's misty/rainy and cold now : ( That's what I get. Ok, me, my H2O/Drunkel baby and my caffeinated legs are off!
22:00
I just got back about 15 minutes ago, haha. The walk started out great, I walked through another really cool cemetery, and I remembered that Thalikirschstasse (T) would basically take me all the way there, well that fucking street is like the Bermuda Triangle! I can't even remember how may times I found myself at [the corner of] T and T, but it was at least 4 times. Two of the times was because I had to walk around some type of huge and creepy compound.... either an army base or concentration camp; what's the difference really? I had walked so far and gotten so turned around that I was stoked to finally see a U-bahn station. It was the one that was only 1 stop away on the U3 from the hostel's stop, so I said "Fuck it, I'm walking"! I was so determined/committed at that point I couldn't bare taking the train for only one stop. I figured I was lost beyond all hope... maybe even in a different country, haha. Anyway, by he time I saw landmarks which indicated I was close, I was literally saying things out load (to myself or whomever, the road, Germany in general): "Fuck you, I win!" It makes me think of NS; something she would say.
 |
| I really love cemeteries. |
My tired feet barely took me upstairs and I realized... My room has it's own shower/bathroom and it's just me!! Oh, the luxury! No Asians, no creeping about trying to be quiet.
Tomorrow I'd like to walk along the river to the Garden, but I want to at least find a train station near the river to start from. I thought I'd walk the whole way, but after tonight - fuck that. Still, I'm grateful to burn off some of the damage and now I just have to pound H2O and wait for the salt to cycle through. I'm so bloated and full of H2O I can feel my skin (hands, feet, belly, legs) stretching. Oh, Germany, how you tempt me into indulgence! Last day to do that is tomorrow though. Let's see how I fare : )
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