Easy 'No-Doz' It

Imagine my excitement when I discovered that the campus convenience store sold No-Doz, and I could purchase it with fake money via my meal plan. I had always enjoyed an increased sensitivity to caffeine, indeed all pharmaceutical and recreational drugs.  Friends used to refer to me as the ‘one hit wonder.' This intolerance didn’t make a lot of sense to me since historically bigger people exhibit an increased tolerance to such drugs on account of all the places it could get ‘lost’ in their body, mainly fat cells.  One cup of coffee, or one caffeinated soda, was enough to spin me off into oblivion like a top toy wound up by a jet engine.  I would literally bounce off the walls, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. 

The effect was so profound, in fact, that many times at parties my friends could not tell if I’d consumed copious amounts of alcohol or simply swallowed one No-Doz.  Each had the same effect on my behavior, which only served to amplify my already boisterous personality; a bit overwhelming for most no doubt.  I treasured my intolerance to caffeine and took advantage of it frequently throughout college.  Sometimes I would go weeks mixing No-Doz, coffee and diet coke only to experience a significant series of panic attacks and have to abstain from caffeine completely.  The magical day I decided it was again safe, the period of abstinence had further raised my sensitivity and I’d experience a superior high.  I loved that rush, the feeling that if only I had the correct bone density and some starched sheets I could fly.

I know what you’re thinking: ‘we’re not talking about Speed, Meth’ or The Crank, so what’s the big deal?  Where is this going? What is so awful about Caffeine?’  For about 90% of the population the answer is absolutely nothing, but once you reach the point of repeated burn-out, or the day comes when your suite-mates sit you down in a half-joking/half-serious manner and make you watch the episode of ‘Saved by the Bell’ in which Jessie flips her lid from taking caffeine pills from the pressure of providing both a star singing performance at ‘The Max’ and having to remember the Pythagorean Theorem for a geometry exam, it’s time to get a friggin’ grip.  My first three college years were one No-Doz crazed episode after another, and I relate these tales below to fully disclose the ridiculousness of my caffeine infatuation and hopefully provide some laughs. 

The first time I became aware that caffeine profoundly affected my thought patterns occurred early Freshman year during a two-hour general chemistry recitation that I had every Friday at 4pm; the horror!  Anyway, if I didn’t pop a ‘Dozzie’ I inevitably fell asleep in the Green Lounge outside my recitation room and would sleep straight through it.  Such is college life.  One day, desperately seeking something to occupy my caffeine-saturated racing mind, other than normality values of acids and bases, I noticed a group of people waiting to get on an elevator.  I watched in infatuated awe as one man waited for all the other people to get into the elevator before him, intentionally stepping in last.  This seemingly inconsequential event was all I needed to be completely absorbed in thought.  Why did he wait to be the last?  Did he know he was only going up one or two floors and wanted to ensure minimal shuffling and interaction with others to get off the elevator?  Was he simply a patient and kind person, allowing others to go before him?  Was he afraid of elevators and wanted to bolt out of the elevator if he got too scared?  I simply could not stop thinking about why this guy had acted that way.  [Later in life I would regret my general obsession with questions to which there are no answers.  This tendency is extremely dangerous, and I sincerely urge all to avoid such inclinations.]

As soon as the recitation let out I dashed back to the dorm to share this esoteric experience.  I found my two best friends, Nancy and Nora [Collectively we were referred to as ‘The Trips’ and instilled fear and awkward feelings in the hearts of many around campus], working on their mechanical engineering homework in Nora’s room.  I began verbally assaulting them with my mental meanderings.  As my grandfather would say, ‘I was wound up like a 10-day clock, and my mouth was running like a whippoorwill’s asshole.’  [A whippoorwill is a bird, and no, I have no idea why is asshole is presumably going at mach 5.]  They looked at me as though I had completely lost my mind and couldn’t understand why I’d let such a trivial observation consume my mental capacity.  I loved it however, the entire experience; most of all the emphatic laughter that issued from my fellow ‘trips.’  Caffeine was the stimulus, and I recognized that it could turn even the most ordinary situations exciting and eventful.  My obsession with caffeine was thus solidified. 

Another memorable night I took caffeine to complete a chemistry lab report.  I’m not talking about a simple write-up about making soap.  As a science major at the University of Rochester a 10-15 page laboratory report was due every week for each lab, Chemistry and Biology, and each required detailed scientific observation, analysis and interpretation.  Mentally, these reports were completely brutal.  I popped a ‘Dozzie’ and began my introduction.  At the same time I was having a deep conversation with my friend Steven, at SUNY Oswego, who was having issues with his girlfriend and needed my support.  That was when the rush hit me and I simply couldn’t sit still.  In the middle of both my report and my conversation, I again dashed over to call upon my ‘trips,’ this time for a good old-fashioned round of Frisbee on the clock quad.  It was 2am, about 10 degrees and the snow falling so thick that you couldn’t see your hand in front of your face, let alone a frisbee soaring towards your face.  In my haste I didn’t bother putting on real shoes or grab a jacket, I was wearing flip-flops and a hoodie.  In the end I only managed to rouse Nancy, who complied unenthusiastically.  In retrospect, I think she just wanted to make sure I didn’t have a heart attack while under the influence.  When I got back to my room I crashed and the lab report went untouched.  The next morning I read, feeling both amused and ashamed, the frantic IM messages that Steven had written me the night before.  I had not told him that I was leaving to play Frisbee and he basically had a one-way freak out with someone who wasn’t receiving his messages in real-time.  Now he was stressed about both girlfriend troubles and the mysterious disappearance of his friend in Rochester.

Caffeine always gave me the rush I needed to propel my typical level of crazy straight up to ‘bat-shit’ crazy.  My suite-mates began to notice this trend and soon conspired against me for their own amusement.  They all knew full well that, being from the ho-hum cow town of LaFargeville, NY, I could not resist dancing the ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ by the Rednex.  To this day whenever I hear that song, especially under the influence, my feet lead the way and I dance until I collapse.  They all found this compulsion both strange and extremely entertaining.  One suite-mate, Margaret, was particularly enamored with my spunky, zealous, line-dance; I’ll never forget the sound of her laugh and the delighted expression on her face as she clapped along with the music.  I was all too happy to oblige, but of course I only took No-Doz to get work done and I couldn’t work while dancing!  Many nights and belated assignments passed in this manner.

This last tale is Grade A and epitomizes the ridiculousness of my caffeine abuse.  At the very end of Fall semester Junior year I experienced extraordinary fatigue, which is uncommon for me.  It turns out, after weeks of confusion regarding my fatigue, night sweats, and the softball-sized goiter that had appeared on the side of my neck, I had somehow contracted mono.  Yes, I know it’s called ‘the kissing disease,’ and I would’ve been proud to lay claim to that mode of infection, but such was not the case.  Actually, I’m fairly certain that I got it from a friend as we were sharing some sort of alcoholic concoction from a coke bottle.  I guess there wasn’t enough booze in the drink or it would have killed the virus.  I digress. 

How was I going to complete my papers and study for finals when I feel asleep like a narcoleptic?  Now here was a reason to effectively utilize my precious ‘Dozzie.’ One night, after taking 3 or so pills, the panic hit me like a ton of bricks.  Here's the catch: I didn’t realize I was having a panic attack.  In true panic attack fashion, I thought my symptoms were medically based and thus life threatening.  I became convinced that the mono had caused one of my tonsils to abscess, it had thus swollen and was now blocking my windpipe; I was being suffocated by my own tonsil!  The clock tolled 3am as I completely lost my grip on reality.  I somehow got a hold of the doctor on call at UHS who called in a prescription for prednisone, a powerful corticosteroid and the only treatment for the mononucleosis virus, to the 24-hour CVS 10 miles away.  I got my suite-mate Mona, who was a notorious insomniac, to drive my car and I to CVS for the drug.  She didn’t have a driver’s license.  What fun and adventure!  Coincidentally the mono, though it sunk my A to a B in Biochemistry because I fell asleep for an hour during the final exam, saved me from straight-up failing Physics since I took an incomplete for the course and gave it a second go my Senior year.  Even still I nearly failed, squeaking by with a B-.  I hate Calculus based Physics, especially mechanics, with a vehement passion.  Don’t ever ask me to calculate the angle of an incline, down which a 5 kg wooden block is sliding with a velocity of 2 m/s when the coefficient of kinetic friction is 2.1; I’ll punch you in the face.  That about does it for the ‘Get to know Summer session.’

I had a lot of justifications for my caffeine addiction: It provided comic relief for my roommates, I had to stay awake for tedious science labs and recitations, begin reading/writing assignments at 3am which were due in merely hours, combat mono and, most importantly, the rush was fantastic!  That rush, however, can quickly morph into a full-blown panic attack.  Counterproductively, there are many things that people can’t do during a panic attack which include driving, talking, reading, watching TV, occupying any thought other than ‘I’m going to die,’ breath like a normal person, or productively functioning in any way whatsoever.  So guess who wasn’t getting her work done despite taking No-Doz for that very purpose?  Me.

In conclusion I’ll leave you with this food for thought concerning caffeine, it’s physiological effects and people’s individual sensitivity to it.  Are you aware that the number one symptom of a food allergy is the body’s strong craving for precisely what you are allergic too?  This is completely counter-intuitive, but is true nonetheless, ask anyone with Celiac disease.  I discovered that my increased sensitivity to caffeine is actually an allergy, which is also why I experience such strong cravings for the drug.  Also, since substances such as caffeine are so widely available and used, it is easy to forget their plant-origin and primordial biological purpose.  Caffeine evolved as a natural pesticide that paralyzes and kills insects.  Doesn’t it therefore strike you as odd that people would intentionally consume it in massive daily quantities?  Let your common sense be your guide. The effects of caffeine are extremely variable from person to person.  If you are prone to panic attacks, generalized anxiety or experience sensitivity to caffeine, use it sparingly and not at all during periods of increased anxiety. 

Consequently, I’m not saying caffeine is either good or bad, rather that people must understand and respect their personal limits.  For example, I allow myself, at most, one cup of coffee and one caffeinated soda a day.  Even still I usually experience the shakes, light sensitivity and a feeling of dis-connectedness, all of which make it difficult to concentrate and complete tasks.  When I over-indulge I typically find myself in panic city.  During such times I sit and ponder what an asshole I am for knowingly ingesting too much caffeine as well as my impending demise.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caffeine