Summer's Fool-Proof Two-Day Detox Diet

[Disclaimer: I AM NOT A DOCTOR.  If you have health issues, especially those pertaining to salt levels in the body like congestive heart failure, ask your doctor if a detox plan is appropriate.  That being said, this is only a two day diet and thus serves as one of the less extreme options available.  It is perfectly safe if followed as outlined below.]

Citation

I'm acutely aware of the fact that I promised diet and nutrition articles for my audience, but have failed to deliver much on those points.  Alas, here is a sure-fire two-day detox plan that, if strictly followed, will result in at least 4 to 5 pounds of 'weight' loss; just in time for the infamous 'I'm gonna get healthy' New Year's Resolution!  It is critical however to understand that this rapid decrease in weight is NOT the result of losing/burning fat, nor can it be on any diet; I don't give a shit what it promises on the info-mercials.  All detox diets have a two-fold purpose:

1. Rid your body of excess water, thus the 'weight' you loose in the process, that accumulates due to excessive consumption of Holiday and/or Christmas Cheer (aka salt, fat and sugar; oh, and BOOZE).
2. Hit the reset button on your body's metabolic functions in preparation for a diet, exercise regimen, fasting, heavy training, etc.

[Aside: The healthy reduction of body fat is 2-3 pounds per week for females and 4-5 pounds per week for males. If you're losing fat faster than that you're on some form of crack and should cease use immediately, even if it's commercially available.]

Everybody's Favorite Molecule, Water! (Aka H2O)

Biology Lesson: Water Retention 
[Or, Crap You've Happily Forgotten Since High School]
Your body can retain massive amounts of water; up to 10 pounds!  The causes are many, but the most common include constipation, hormone fluctuations, and deviations in diet regarding the intake of excessive amounts of salt, fat and/or carbohydrates.  The molecular structures of these compounds make them very attractive to water.  Water molecules flock to them, surrounds and travels through the digestion tract with them, all while inflating your abdomen and other areas of the body with copious amounts of jiggly fun. In biological terms, the positive dipoles of the Hydrogen atoms and the stronger negative dipoles created by the Oxygen atom, combined with the overall bent configuration of the molecule (refer to above image), make water irresistable to any compound also featuring negative and positive dipoles and/or full charges [NOTE: a dipole is a portion of a full Charge.  For example, if the charge of an electron is -1.0, the dipole of an (-OH)/Alcohol group would be around -0.4].  Chemically, acidic and basic foods such as tomatoes and milk, respectively, are packed with such groups and therefore significantly affect water levels in the body.  In general, acidic foods assist in drawing water out, while basic foods tend to keep water in and cause bloating.

Specifically, one such 'sticky' molecule is sugar.  Biologically, sugar is most commonly thought of as glucose, but that is only one of many sugar molecules.  Each type of sugar features many of the aforementioned alcohol groups that pop out in all directions and thus beckon water molecules from afar.  Carbohydrates, being a long string of either the same sugar or a combination of many types of sugars, likewise pack on the water molecules.  This is precisely why people lose around 5 pounds simply from eliminating simple sugars, i.e. soda, from their diet.  By the way men, and butch women, Beer = Carbohydrates en mass.  Vodka-Lovers and Winos; bad news, still all carbohydrates!

Complex carbohydrates are composed of a combination of many such simple sugars, mostly Glucose and Fructose.  Some examples include soda, donuts, potatoes, candy bars, pasta, beer, wine, and the delicious crunchy golden coating on anything deep-fried.  Intake in moderation is key; something Santa's little sugar-saturated helpers never encourage!

Salt, however, is overwhelmingly the primary cause of bloating and water retention.  In fact, salt is such a molecular prostitute that it would rather break its intrinsic ionic bond and surround its two distinct ions with water (see image below), then remain a whole compound.  Allow me to elaborate.  Imagine that a grain of Salt is the result of a happy marriage between Sodium (Na) and Chloride (Cl).  They live happily together in a rooster-shaped shaker, until they are poured out and inevitably meet with the home-wrecking water molecule, which is abundant in all types of food.  The negative Oxygens of the water immediately take a liking to the positively charged Sodium, and the Hydrogens take a commanding role over the attentions of the Chloride.  These interactions build to a climax until the Na and Cl atoms are influenced to undergo a rapid divorce; after which each ion heads in its own direction surrounded by numerous novel and adoring water molecules.  Fun fact, the breaking of the Na-Cl bond releases energy in the form of heat.  Don't believe me? Take a glass of cool water and add copious amounts of salt, stir, then feel the temperature of the water; it should now be warm to the touch.

Salt is just one of the many whores of simple chemistry.

The Grocery List
Whole fresh veggies, organic free-range or farm fresh eggs, and lean white meat comprise the optimal food for this plan.  A note about the eggs; cage-free chickens will naturally eat better and their eggs are thus of superior quality.  I don't normally buy into such propaganda, but the nutritional facts speak for themselves, particularly the quality of Omega fatty acids and vitamins/minerals.  I realize that living in isolated areas can limit one's access to such resources, so frozen vegetables and regular eggs will do as well.  NO CANNED VEGETABLES OR PROCESSED FOOD OF ANY KIND!!!  Never, I repeat, NEVER buy vegetables, or anything else for that matter, that comes in a can.  If it's in a can that means it is saturated with toxic preservatives and salt; a bloat attack, and botulism poisoning, waiting to happen.

The proteins on this diet should be extremely lean; buy them whole and unprocessed, which means the label should read that the only ingredient in the actual meat and perhaps one perservative.  Also check the label to ensure that the meat is not brined, in other words soaked in salt water for flavor.  If brined, the sodium content will be significantly above 100mg per serving.  Avoid ground meat as it contains fat from random 'parts' that end up in the grinder.  Lean lunchmeat is ok, but only if it also reads 'low sodium.'  If you're vegetarian, you may add tofu, seitan, edamame, peanut/almond butter or whole nuts for protein, ensuring that each is largely void of salt.  Have I beaten the dead salt-hating-horse enough yet?

Food To Buy

• 2 Cantaloupe
• 4 Large Eggs
• Lean Protein, including but not limited to:
• Chicken
• Turkey
• White Fish; Fresh Tuna, Tilapia, Haddock, etc. 
• Lean, Boneless Pork (Limited)
• Green Vegetables, including but not limited to:
• Leafy Greens; Spinach, Romaine, Green Leaf Lettuce, Spring Mix, etc. 
• Asparagus
• Green Beans
• Celery
• Cucumbers
• Green Peppers
• Chives
• Zucchini
• Brussel Sprouts
• Green Cabbage, Bok Choy
• Broccoli

NOTE: Some green veggies are off-limits, particularly those that are starchy and/or sugary such as lima beans, edamame, sugar snap, snow or shucked peas, green tomatoes, etc. Also, do not use iceberg lettuce as it lacks nutritional value. If in doubt, stick to the list above.

The Plan
[Identical for both days]

• Breakfast - Two Eggs with Veggies of Choice, One Quarter Cantaloupe
• Snack - One Quarter Cantaloupe, Veggies of Choice
• Lunch - Huge Salad with Veggies and Protein of Choice, One Quarter Cantaloupe
• Snack - One Quarter Cantaloupe, Veggies of Choice
• Dinner - Repeat Salad OR Prepare Protein of Choice with Lots of Veggie Sides
• ALL DAY - Drink AT LEAST 64oz (2L) of water; 64oz to 96oz is best
• Prepare to urinate A LOT; you will piss a lot, and often. That's kind of the point!

Things to Keep In-Mind:

• One Serving Protein = 4oz 
• Get at least 8oz/50grams of protein each day.  More is ok if its to support additional exercise.
• 30 to 40 minutes of light to moderate exercise is encouraged, but vigorous and/or excessive exercise should be avoided.
• Black coffee and plain tea are allowed; add artificial sweetener if needed, but do not use more than 2 packets/day.  One diet-soda/day is also allowed. 
• Caffeine and Water consumption are natural appetite suppressants; if you feel hungry try drinking something.
• Eat all the veggies you want! If you're hungry and drinking something doesn't work, munch on a low-calorie, high-fiber, snack like cucumber or celery.

Food Preparation 

Meat: Bake, broil or grill, using only non-fat cooking spray if necessary.  The eggs should be pan-fried with non-fat cooking spray, boiled or poached.  Don't microwave them as it extracts all their nutritional value.
Vegetables: Consume raw, steamed or blanched to maximum the retention, and subsequent benefit, of their vitamins/minerals and fiber.
Seasoning: Flavor food with fresh or dried herbs, spices, garlic and vinegars; keep the use of salt to an absolute minimum, and use sea salt or lite salt [half sodium chloride and half potassium chloride], only if necessary.  Dress salads with low-fat/low-salt vinaigrettes, in modest amounts. The use of a tsp of olive oil and plain balsamic or apple cider vinegar is preferred.

Stand-Alone Mini-Detox or Detox Power Booster
The following two recommendations can be used anytime to rid your body of modest water retention; best when  used two time in one day, morning and afternoon.  When used in conjunction with this detox, it maximizes the results.

One mug hot water + 1 tbsp FRESH lemon juice
OR
1 tbsp shot of apple cider vinegar

How It Works
Green vegetables are extremely fibrous and clean out the intestines, especially when consumed almost exclusively raw or lightly steamed/boiled.  The lean protein is a calorie filler for energy and keeps the metabolism busy so that it doesn't get bored, or slow down, due to the otherwise low-calorie foods. Two eggs daily supply necessary fats, which keep you adequately fueled during the detox.  It is essential that you eat small amounts every 2-3 hours as this will keep your metabolism high.

The actual detoxifying agent of this diet is, surprisingly, the cantaloupe.  High in acidic enzymes, the super fruit chemically draws out the extra carbs, salt, fat and water from it's hiding places in the body; successfully shuttling these molecules out, mainly through urine, with the necessary water in-take.  This is why it is critical to consume so much water during the detox, 64-96 ounces.  Effectively, the fresh water taken in without the accompaniment of carbs, fat or salt, allows the dirty salt-infested water to flow through and exit the body.  Lemon juice and apple cider vinegar are even more acidic than cantaloupe, which is precisely why it provides a powerful boost to the parent detox, or can even succeed in vacating excess water independently.  


Maintenance
I hope it goes without saying that you should not celebrate the end of your detox with a trip to an indian buffet, followed with a night of hearty drinking.  Introduce regularly consumed foods slowly over a couple of days, while retaining some of the aspects of the detox meal plan.  The most important foods to avoid in excess are sugars and salt; always.  Remember, everyone is one McDonald's trip away from 4 pounds of water retention.  Ladies, you know precisely when the body will naturally bloat, so be especially careful during that time.

Now, I'll step up on my pedestal to say that this was the detox that I used to;

1. Begin my decent from 239lbs to 130lbs
2. Get back on-track after Holidays and special occasions
3. Avoid plateaus throughout my weight-loss

It works, but only when used as a kick-start to a new way of eating and living.  The principles to healthy eating for life are captured in this very article, however, and when coupled with an exercise regimen will result in guaranteed (by me) weight-loss: Small frequent meals, lean protein, lots of veggies, whole grains, fresh fruits and treats of your choice in moderation.    

Here's to a happy and healthy 2013!