Travel Day 20: Wednesday, 07/04/2014

08:10
At Munchen Hbf waiting for my train to Hamburg. There's so much to write now, and I'm afraid it's all philosophical; no answers, just more questions and a ton of shit to consider as I navigate the maze that is Human life trying to pick up enough 'happy points' along the way as possible. Kinda like a pac-man board, haha, happiness can be the cherries and oranges you get along the way when you make good decisions and choose the right paths. Critical note here, sometimes you can tell where it'll be and it's possible to set a course which allows you to pick it up along the way. Yes, I like that analogy!

Focus on gettin' to those Cherries!

First things first, my run this morning was amazing! It was foggy and beautiful, I ran for about 40 minutes, no music, just the sound of H2O, birds and me communicating with my Body; thanking my feet and letting them tell me where to go and for how long. It felt really good and there was a constant 'No, thank YOU!' from Body to Mind as they agreed the run was precisely what both wanted and needed. The bloat from all the salt is extreme, but I know it's just temporary, so I'm trying not to grab or pull on it, which is a pretty strange habit in general. Now I think of it though, it extends back to my fat days. I'd feel uncomfortable and grab my huge roll wishing I could just cut it off. Now, though I'm half the size I used to be, I still feel the same way and this is my #1 motivation for the surgery.

Just had my 2nd encounter with a splitting train. I had to board all the way at the back cuz the first set of Class 2-Dining-Class 1 cars is staying in Hannover, while the 2nd set continues on to Hamburg. Once again, my attention to detail serves me well.

The irony of traveling through 3 countries on my 'Motherland's' day of independence is not lost on me. In fact, I believe it directly correlates with my level of patriotism, haha.

I'm officially pissed at my Mother. I checked email and Facebook on last time this morning and still nothing, though last night she posted a pic of FB of a fucking pit that needs rescuing... WTF?! Once again, my Mother says one thing but completely contradicts herself. I got an email of how worried she was that I hadn't emailed while I was in Berlin/Heidelberg on Sat 6/30. I excitedly replied on Sun 7/1 giving her hints about her B-day gift, then Mon 7/2 - a quick note commenting 'on her being 'worried' though she hadn't written back'; Tues 7/3, another quick note asking if this was her way of getting me back and today, after I saw the FB thing, I fucking lost it, commented on the post and wrote her an email that I was super pissed and if she's so fucking worried SHE can call ME once I'm back in the States. Granted, I realize my anger is exacerbated by the fact that I was excited about the clocks and I expected (trouble here) her to write back with the same indication of excitement. Not only didn't that happen but she continued to stonewall me for 3 fucking days! Yes, it was wrong to expect a certain reaction, but no it wasn't wrong - especially give the nature of her email to me, concerning all her 'worry', to expect a reply in general. And then the affront of my knowing she can get on the internet to talk about a fucking dog, yet not bother to reply to my email?! Holy shit that pisses me off. Real worried, right?! Once again, I come second. Usually it's 2nd to the bar, which I try to understand given it's her life line, but a fucking dog?! Fuck that, it hurts, she should be more considerate. Letting this go is going to require a little more time, obviously.

Ok, now I've gotten that off my chest, phew, onto reflection time!

What I Will Miss: Everything.

I particularly love the way being here I can be quiet and not constantly be distracted by the conversation of others. It's what I wrote about previously. I believe this had to happen before I finished 'Plight of the Chronic Talker' because this was an important lesson for me. How I act versus how I'd like to act. That being said, I still said a lot of goofy, off-hand, shit but didn't get any replies because either people don't respond to that in Germany or they didn't understand me. On a basic level, pleasantries were all that were exchanged and also all that were needed for me to communicate. I like that, but it isn't something you can do unless you're in this situation. For example, once I know German I will certainly listen to others conversations; when you understand the language its more difficult to block it out. But perhaps, as it will never be my native language, I can block it better even if I can understand it, should I choose to listen. I could probably do the same with English too, but my habit is to listen in. So, would breaking that habit make me happier?

I love that no one leashes their dogs. It wasn't something I observed in only one city either, but throughout Germany. In general, you'd see dogs, even on the subway(!), without leashes; standing obediently with their owners, or wandering but always responding when spoken to. To me, this indicated good training, an absence of fear from the general populace (of being attacked by random dogs) and a very comfortable/relaxed Dog-Human dynamic. It's freedom for man and beast alike and a trust that exists naturally. I usually won't take Charlie anywhere if I have to keep him on a leash, I've never liked it. I've always preferred letting him do his thing while I do mine and when I need him, he comes; everybody's happy. In America, a dog without a least is lost or a threat, in Germany it's just a dog whose owner is close by but not concerned with what their dog is doing because they trust it and have trained it well. Yes, Charlie and I would be much happier in that environment.

What I Won't Miss:

The salty/fatty food, though this was my choice and I could easily live here and not eat like that. I rarely eat out so my diet here would be about the same though there are things I like better here, like their bread and yogurt, which is fine. Salty/fatty food is rampant in America too when you eat out! 

Disappointment: As usual, disappointment comes from expectations unfulfilled, which is my own fault, not Germany's. Admittedly, I expected (though I'm not sure why; ok, we'll call it 'wished') that I would meet a hot German, fall in love, get married and never go back. Yes, this is every bit as ridiculous as it sounds; but as it would've been the easiest way for me to stay, and I already know I'm extremely lazy in this department, I'm not at all surprised by these hopes.

Ironically, I did fall in love with a hot German and do want to marry him.... too bad he's gay and would find that request odd at best since we've only hung out 2 times, haha. Come hell or high water, though, I will see him again; either in CA in Sept or in Liverpool or somewhere else. This is actually more of a knowing. I just have a feeling about him.

No, instead I'll have to work hard to make it back here to stay and it will happen if it's meant too. I have a good plan and one that will certainly work if I want it badly enough. I'm going back without reservations, but a new goal. I can't resent my life in America, I must go back, so I will and I am; but I can also realign my habits to bring me closer to happiness and now I know that happiness involves moving abroad. I've always suspected I'd feel more at home in a different country and now I know it's true. I never suspected that country would be Germany, however, having my sights set on Scotland or New Zealand. Those places too, will likely be my home at one point or another. What this trip has really taught me is that I'm fine with being somewhere for a couple of days, then strapping everything to my back and relocating somewhere new. New people/places to see and explore. Making a home for myself with the few things I consider to be essential: clothes, food, sugar-free tablets (haha) and a journal/book... ok, and an iPod. I'm actually a bit surprised by this. I thought I'd be stressed out, but I really haven't been, at least not on a conscious plane. I've thoroughly enjoyed being so mobile and 'go with the flow'. Make a general plan for the day/area, but just ultimately doing what I feel inclined to do. In short, traveling suits me, and I especially think that it's true given my personality traits of independence and self-reliance. I like meeting up with friends, but I'm also absolutely fine on my own as well. I'll have to concentrate on how I might integrate this into my future. In this Human existence everything is connected to one thing: work (to get $ to live). Though the Germans separate their work and personal life better than Americans, it's indisputable that they couldn't live/enjoy hobbies and life in general without money, which you need to work for. So, if I want to live here, I have to work here. With regards to traveling I have 2 choices:

1) Integrate travel and work

2) Work and travel as a hobby

I can't say that I have a preference one way or another, but I think 1 is the most ideal, cuz then I could further integrate it with 2. Ok, so I lied, my preference is 1. 

As far as the nature of work goes, I could either stay with pharma (industry or clinical research) or do bar tending/waitressing. I'm willing to do the latter only while working on a permanent position within the former. I've worked too hard to live on a waitressing salary and while I like people, working in that environment is stressful, frustrating and emotionally exhausting. My preference would be Project Management within clinical research, but I'd need to monitor first; a stepping stone I'd gladly take! But I need to know languages; French and German at least, to be competitive. I'll have to determine if Rosetta Stone will be enough, or if I'll have to take classes. Step 1: Finish German Rosetta Stone, if it works get upper levels for French, if I need more to be fluent, sign up for conversational classes at CU Boulder. Meanwhile, I need to really work my pharma connections and build my resume/experience at Amgen. That what I call a solid plan!

Dedicate extra time for/Balance:

1) Training Schedule for Running

2) Learning German

3) Social Time with Friends

Here's something to consider (!): if I get a position at Amgen and get trained to audit, I can use that for my resume to become a monitor! I could definitely deal with California for 2-3 years for that silver lining, easily. I'm suddenly extremely grateful that I'm so young...  I can get to my projected career path to Monitor by 30, and then hopefully make it to PM by 35. Yes, this is my ultimate goal: International Project Manager for Pharmaceutical Clinical Research (and Marathon Runner :)... and fluent in French and German) WOOT!

[Back to the Future: Well... I'm 30 and my new plan is that I have a one year visa and a one-way ticket to New Zealand; I don't give a shit where I work or how much money I make, I just want to live abroad and I'm finally going to do it!]

11:02

I was just thinking about the thing with Mom and trying to remind myself that I have to choose to love her despite it and accept that I can't control her actions. It sucks that I feel upset about getting her that clock when I'm not, nor will I ever, really be a priority in her life. It's not about money, rather that clock and the financial sacrifices I made indicates how much she means to me (in light of this I guess it' appropriate that I bought myself a clock that cost more, haha, as I should be and am my #1 priority). This exacerbates my already deeply inlaid belief that words mean nothing to me, they can't be trusted and this is precisely how I learned/came to believe that! She said she was worried, but her actions indicate the very opposite. To me, this is illogical which upsets and confuses me and in the end I take away two things: 1) Words have no meaning, 2) You can't trust what others say. 

Oh, and I'd better write this too before I conveniently leave it out, push it down/ignore it: DJ (CJ's Stepmother) commented on my FB status regarding my travels back to the US. She said it seemed I had a good trip and wished me safe travels back; very nice. But I can't help but wonder, does she and CJ's Dad even know? Surely they must... but I can't be 100% certain. It's just a reminder of that f'ed up situation, though I do greatly appreciate her positive energy and well wishes, I'm not to know her as I once would have. Our paths no longer cross and won't, she must know that and feel sad about it on some level and wishes me well to indicate such. It does me no good to analyze such things, but that's what helps me separate and organize my own emotions so I can learn and file it away; so there you have it. I could've unfriended everyone from that part of my life, but chose not to and certainly PM (CJ's Mother) unfriended me or she would have been commenting on everything left and right. I have nothing to regret, no resentments against the people; there is no blame. I guess it just seems so strange and distant now. She's effectively a stranger to me, yet obviously a good person with good intentions.... or she could be rubbing this all in his face. I sincerely hope the former is true, but I'll never know.

One thing is for sure, had we still been together, this trip - in the capacity it took place and needed to take place - would never have happened. The palm reader, all those years ago, foreshadowed my sadness and tole me I'd need something like this; alone. I'm so grateful for this opportunity to know myself, how to address my thoughts/feelings/emotions, and best yet, how to get answers when I'm confused or uncertain. Truly best of all, realizing that sometimes there aren't any answers, you just have to be courageous, have faith and move forward towards happiness the best way that I can. I am certainly a different and better person than I've ever been and the transition to this state was painful, but like getting a tattoo, that pain has faded and the memory now seems distant, like I've always been this way. It's not that I was, rather it's how I can be sure it's how I was meant to be. I'm on the right path and I'm fulfilling my contract. This brings great peace of mind and all I can say is thank you and bring on the next round!

18:00
Just crossed via the ferry into Denmark. I had to change trains in Pultgarden due to a technical issue with the other train. While crossing I took advantage of the space to walk around as much as possible but spent a lot of time watching the water, it turned into a kind of meditation and I found myself considering feelings regarding leaving Germany and I surprisingly almost cried. The only way I can bare it is in knowing that it's temporary. I thought of returning to Stuttgart and my heart instantly filled with happiness. It's bitter sweet that I've found home and had to leave it again so soon; but to know, in this expansive world that there is such a place, brings me peace as well. Also, it makes me glad that all those years I never quite felt I was in the right place were not in vain; it was not just adolescent finickiness, a consequence of small-town living, rather a justified knowing that my true home lies elsewhere.

Why Germany Feels Like Home:
- Streets I can naturally navigate
- The green of the trees
- The moisture of earth and air
- The people I can be comfortable and quiet with
- The paths that naturally call me to run
- The food that clearly communicates (for better or worse, haha) with my Body
- The sound of birds and water
- The slugs and snails (j/k)
- The country within the city, there is always an escape (Holy shit, I went through both of my red pens on this trip! [The writing continues in black])
- The inspiration and intuition which seems to naturally find me here, because here I can breath, relax and think, because here I am home and can be whole

What's not to love about gigantic cannabalistic slugs and snails?

21:33

Ok, was just thoroughly confused at the train station, but per an attendant, I'm now on the 21:32 train to Lund C. Two trains were leaving at 21:52, one to Malmo and the other to Helsingor; neither mentioned Lund. I tried looking at the map but didn't see Lund anywhere and all the info booths were closed. I saw a long-haired dude with a DSB shirt so I asked him and he told me to take the train to Malmo and said the other went in the wrong direction. So, I headed down to track 5, on the other platform (#6) I looked over and saw it was the 21:32 to Helsingor and it also said Malmo, etc. I asked the train attendant about my ticket and she said to take this train to Lund C, so I did, haha. Oh boy, it's a bit late in the game to miss a train now! Anyway, I'm on my way to Lund (hopefully) where I'll catch my next train to Stockholm.... finally.

Since I had time to kill in Koebenhavn I walked around the train station, went to 7-11 for a 'diet Sprite' danish style which is called Faxe Kondi Free (it's good, but the first taste you get is salt, then you get the lemon-lime, more like 7-Up than Sprite), and a banana chocolate crisp protein bar (I couldn't resist) and some spicy/hot beef jerky (again, a known weakness and favorite travel companion). Then, anxious to walk while I could, I went outside for a walk around and I'm glad I did! It didn't seem nearly as disgusting as I remember. In fact, I saw plenty of pretty/old architecture and other fun stuff. So, I at least partially retract my previous dislike of Koebenhavn, and I'll attribute it to hunger more than anything, and that the rain made everything look/feel a bit foul. When I came back I wanted to use the bathroom and couldn't figure out why my 10 krona piece wouldn't work as the price was 5. Well, it occurred to me, as 2 other ladies were waiting.... that I was attempting to put Swedish krona in a Danish machine; wrong country! Haha, that was fun... and the lady behind me thankfully gave me the money. So nice of her!

Danish bathroom vending machines sure are interesting!

I hope I actually sleep on the night train.... we'll see.