Thought of the Day 05/14/2014: Of Workers and Writers

Today I finally kicked myself in the pants. I decided that what I need is to allow, and sometimes force, my inner Writer to exercise her skills more frequently in the same manner I exercise my Body by running and Soul by meditating (though I could do better with this one as well, of late).  My goal is to re-install daily 'Thoughts of the Day', which for awhile became more like 'Monthly Meanderings', and by so doing perk myself up a bit and dis-entangled all the thoughts that arise as I attempt to make sense of what is happening to me.  I've admittedly not wanted to write because I'm going through a situation that I will refer to as 'The Ordeal'; but today I finally struck upon what I believe to be the main lesson of 'The Ordeal' and actually want to write about it, and since this is my blog, I will.

'The Ordeal' began exactly four weeks ago tomorrow.  For reasons I will not discuss I was suspended from my job at Hospira. Suffice it to say that both entities have made some mistakes and overreacted in ways and now I patiently await, to the extent that my Person allows, as they kindly find a new position for me.  I mean this sincerely as they did not need to keep me; they could have easily terminated me, and for that I'm extremely grateful.  What I'm most thankful for, however, are all the impactful lessons 'The Ordeal' has taught me.  Lessons regarding both who I am and who I want to be, shedding light of the traits I'm not willing to compromise and ones that require rapid installation into my life if I want it to be meaningful and happy.

Once the initial shock of the situation wore off and I was able to focus on the lessons through which I was being led, I saw that 1) I need to install an air tight work filter or I will never have a successful career, 2) The inner aspect of my personality that I primarily identify with is that of 'The Worker', and 3) I now realize what kind of 'Worker' I need to be to allow my other identities to get some game time, ensuring that I lead a more balanced life.

1) Frankly, my frankness and, oh, let's call it passionate vocalizations got a target placed on my back from day one. By being too loud and too ambitious, to say nothing of my unorthodox style, I was destined to fall from grace. By the time I realized the web of trust-oriented team building I had been weaving on my shift was, well, being manipulated by another insect, I was in scope and the laser dot was locked in. I got hit of course, in rapid manner I might add (only two months), and went down like a ton of bricks though the straw that broke the camel's back was something phenomenally trifling.  As such, it was obvious to see something minor was used as an excuse to remove a thorn from among the roses. I had made powerful allies, but powerful enemies as well; thankfully more of the former or I definitely would've gotten canned.

A lesson in humility was rapidly absorbed as my mouth had finally been the sole cause of my downfall. Indeed, I've always wanted to temper my mouth; I've even contemplated asking my doctor to install a muffler on my larynx to moderate my voice projection, or just take in out all together [I'd swear that the Til' Tuesday song 'Voices Carry' was written with me in mind]. I believe, however, that I can learn to be humble without compromising my most valued trait which is honesty.  To do so I must reconsider my innate rules on being honest.  I've always considered honesty as saying anything I perceived to be as a true statement despite social repercussions; if I didn't say it, it wasn't being honest.  This is not true however because professionalism, and most importantly kindness, require me to keep some such statements to myself, honest though they may be.  The greatest test of this new humility will be to return to Hospira after one month of outlandish rumor circulations with my head held high, grateful to be back in any capacity they saw fit to assign me and without letting the 'The Ordeal' make me a victim.

Regarding 'The Ordeal' in consideration of its effect on my current career trajectory, I had to conceded that to rise to the ranks to which I aspired I would have to completely up-end my natural disposition. Instead of being open and honest I'd have to become more guarded and manipulative. Humility aside, this realization led me to ask: 'Is this truly who I want to become and the kind of career I want?' and the very simple answer is FUCK NO. What I have always wanted, in my heart of hearts, is a simple life where I can be myself; that includes some of my more incongruous behaviors which led to my Colorado nickname of Wild Card. She's a real blast; mostly hilarious, but sometimes tragic.  

2) Here's a simple one because I've been through identity crises before and recognized that gnawing feeling of detachment.  I consequently knew I must be upset because one of my identities had been compromised by 'The Ordeal', so I asked 'Who am I?' and the answer was immediate: I AM A WORKER. I've been working almost everyday since the tender age of 14.  Everyone in my family is a Worker, and proud ones at that.  The mere mention of the word retirement is enough to make me feel like I gargled battery acid. Alas! 'The Ordeal' had tried to kill my Worker and now I wasn't sure who I was supposed to be since my work had been suspended. 

Despite the labels others may give you, be who you feel you are and allow that identity to be flexible because change is inevitable. 

3) Two truths materialized from this realization:

1. I had become far too dependent on my Worker identity as evidenced by the fact that its temporary loss had me completely unhinged; I immediately recognized the need to explore and cultivate my other identities, or even invent a new one.
2. For immediate relief, and to appease The Worker, I'd take up my old post at good-old Mickey D's; because no matter what degrees I hold or what tasks I'm ordered to do, and especially regardless of pay, I'm happiest when working and serving others in some form or fashion.

Exploring identities became a fascination of mine during my post break-up spiritual transformation while working the12-steps of AA [a book I hope to eventually write entitled 'The Reset Button'].  When I think back on jobs I found satisfying, my contract gig at Amgen stands out.  My readers will remember it as the time period during which I wrote nearly everyday and my brain was teeming with inspiration.  The job was perfect because it allowed me to mollify The Worker with simple data processing and analytical tasks while also enabling The Runner to trot 6-10 miles daily, The Spirit to medicate for 30 minutes a day, The Writer to unleash her up until then untapped creativity, and The Wild Card to socialize and play kickball with the Boulderites. I was rocking up to five solid identities, and consequently, my life was well balanced and happy.  

Why is that one may ask? Simply because if a person sees themselves as many things, when one identity becomes compromised for instance by an injury, falling out with a friend, writers block, or loss of a job contract, the Person as a whole can always fall back on their other identities to maintain sanity and regain stability. The cumulative effect makes them more resilient to life's inevitable fluctuations. 

My downfall was clear in hindsight. Hospira moved me to Kansas. My job there was the reason I bought my house and became invested in this community; my life in McPherson centered around The Worker and she worked and sought to excel her career at Hospira. I knew with certainty that I would run the site one day..... but in one moment, with one click of the Print button, that certainty was gone and my sole identity was in mortal peril. 

The one identity I've always wanted to try on for size is that of New Zealand Sheep Farmer. So if one day I am discovered to be gone, disappeared like a Christian on the Rapture, then people will know where to find me should they ever need a warm new sweater or some tasty mutton stew. 

[NOTE: I hope to elaborate extensively on my work with identities and archetypes in a collection of articles that would ideally end up being a book about The Human Identity Crisis.]