Travel Day 14: Thursday, 6/28/2012

08:35
Had a good breakfast of Banana, Toast, Yogurt and Nutella; my go-to German breakfast! I had to eat it pretty quickly so I'm just praying it digests ok. I woke up at 06:00 with terrible stomach pains, but felt better after I went to the bathroom and was able to sleep for another hour.

I got on the train ok, but now I'm feeling anxious and lightheaded from the exertion. It's a good thing I have nothing to do but sit (and hopefully not shit) on trains for about 5 hours. I need a new book though as I finished 'A Reliable Wife' on the way to Berlin. I'm also almost done with the 'The Hunger Games' audiobooks; then I'll be in real trouble, haha. I should be able to find an English book somewhere...

I thought of a funny thing for Facebook regarding my illness:
Overindulge on American Food = Guilt + Extra Running Time
Overindulge on German Food = Shitting Blood + 1 Day Sleep + 2 Day Soup Diet

Well, at least I find it funny... or I will once the internal bleeding stops.

13:06
On the train to Heidelberg and feeling much better. I had a little extra time in Frankfurt so I stopped and got a new Sci-Fi book called 'The Last Werewolf'. I'm retaining so much water I can't fathom how dehydrated I was. I drank more than a Nalgene and have only pissed twice. Also, though I still feel discomfort in my abdomen, its much more infrequent and whatever is trying to make its way out now actually looks like shit, but there's still a bit of blood. Regardless, I'm expecting a speedy recovery with the proper diet. For lunch I had some carrots, tomatoes, the rest of my jerky and those wheat wafer things. Very balanced indeed. Now I'm craving peppermint gum.

I look forward to checking into the hostel and start wandering/formulating a plan of attack for tomorrow. I'll finally be in the one place where I won't mind paying to see the insides of castles, haha.

17:16
Sitting at a cafe (Cafe Blank) close to the river walk/path in Heidelberg. It's 4km from where cool shit is to my hostel, so I set off to do the 'Philosophenweg' (or 'The Philosopher's Trail') I did some thinking of my own along the way. Why the fuck am I attempting this with my stomach in rough shape, a headache and the fact I've barely eaten? But I did (at least made it to Bismarck-Saule, which is a look-out tower) and felt accomplished and powerful, all things considered. This 'path' as they call it is straight up and I must have gained almost a mile! Ok, that may not be true, but it seemed like it!

This part of town is nice and there's a pub (O'Reilly's) that has karaoke/disco on Friday's... let's see if I'm tempted to come back tomorrow, haha. The walk was gorgeous and at the tower you can see all of 'Altstadt' which is the old town of Heidelberg where the castle and cool shit is. That's where I'll be all day tomorrow. The walk along the river to this part of town is really nice too. I saw an altercation between a cab driver and an old dude on a bike; I had no clue what they were saying, but judging by the stares of others it must've been at least somewhat interesting. There were people swimming. Everybody just seems so relaxed. I was skeptical at first (mostly due to the location of my hostel) of Heidelberg's beauty, but now I see it and look forward to a full exploring day tomorrow.

I did make a disturbing conclusion on my walk however, all the graffiti I've seen, in any country, is in English. This makes me sad as I feel its a negative association with America I didn't expect, not that I would defend the US, haha.

I stopped at this cafe as a treat for my hike and got a cone with 1 scoop of cherry yogurt. It seemed sweeter than usual, but it was great and only cost 1Euro! My tummy said it could handle it :P And frankly I was shaking and near pass-out level. That, and I'm now further dehydrated as I've sweated out about 2 gallons of water I didn't have to begin with. I may take a bus back, but I'm not sure what I'll do until the game (Germany Vs. Italy!), which my hostel is proudly showing.

I never seem to know what to do with myself at night..... I always associate it with having to eat more/differently which I don't like. Staying up is just out of habit for me, I guess.

17:53
Just stopped to sit on a bench along the river for a second because what I wrote before is even more complicated.

1. I must accept that I'm a morning person, evenings are time to unwind and reflect for me; but in this setting it also makes me feel like I'm missing out.
2. I have a difficult time sitting and not eating/drinking because I'm always on the go! I only ever rest to take nourishment. 

Seeing this, I decided to sit and the voice came; at first it only said 'let it come to you,' and then even more clarity followed, 'if I'm always on the go and never stop to let it find me, I'll never know what's coming to me.' Effectively, I'm always running from something which is why I always feel the need to move; obviously when I walk to burn calories I'm running from the fear of weight gain. But in general, why do I avoid simple rest? A sit in the park for awhile? In other words, what am I afraid will catch up to me? How can I hope to get on with my life/contract if there's something coming but it's something I must wait for and be still so that it can come to me. I don't know what 'it' is, but it'll be life altering and transforming.

From now on, I need to pay more attention to when it's time to simply stop and observe. Be content with how I am and being in the present. Shit, it's just nice to watch other people rush around for a change.

19:00
It started pouring just as I got back :) Now I'm going to practice sitting and I've got my new book and castle pamphlets to help me ease into it, haha. Also, I just want to sit so this damn headache ebbs. Oh, and I thought of 2 more general observations:

1. Only old men wear Speedos
2. (Shit, I forgot)

I also thought of a cool new hobby that would suite me, to buy a clock everywhere I go and keep it on the local time that it's originally from. I noticed that I love clocks... thought it was a solid idea. Now if I could only afford cool clocks.....

Tomorrow I'll get a 24hour bus pass to get around, that way I can walk all over Altstadt and the castle without worrying about hauling my ass back. I'm really gonna tuck it in for breakfast, since it's free, and then try to survive off snacks cuz restaurants in Altstadt will definitely be more expensive. I just realized all I have left are almonds, protein bars, chocolate and apples, haha. There seemed to be a lot of stuff along Bruckenstrabe, otherwise I'll just stop and get some veggies at a store somewhere.

I'm super impressed that castle entrance seems to be only 5Euro! That's what I'm assuming though.... the pamphlet is in German, haha.  Woot, tomorrow in gonna rock!

21:45
2-0 Italia, I hope Germany turns it around but I have to give it up, that black Italian is serious business.

Speaking of serious business, I have some accepting and questions for myself. Why do I constantly struggle against myself? Why do I insist on convincing myself I'm supposed to do and/or be anything but what I am?

• I am not a night person. I enjoy the mornings and am most productive and happy at those times.
• I eat, I eat often, I try to eat well but am admittedly in vacation mode. Usually I eat but only feel ok with it when I am also active. I see people running and feel both scared and jealous.
• Jealous because I love running and they took the time to say 'yes' and also that they don't likely fear what they'll need to eat as a result of that activity.
• Which brings me to being scared. I irrationally think activity = need for fuel, but [only] the exact amount [needed] or I'll get fat.

This issue isn't going to go away [True words, I STILL struggle with these very issues.... Two years later]. I need to learn to accept these thoughts and move despite them, be courageous. Yes, I went overboard in Berlin, I do have to be careful. I must not expect too much of myself; I went for a hot grueling walk today and it's not fair for me to think I ate too much or that I should be moving instead of watching a football game.

I just get so fucking frustrated... I'm so at odds with the most natural function of my body. I think the real reason I got upset today is because I ate though I didn't feel hungry. I did feel lightheaded and generally ill though, so I thought I needed food. Then I ate 'more' than I planned, which is the crux of my guilt. I set this completely arbitrary plan and then if I eat more I feel guilty. It's bullshit.

I'm also a bit disappointed (and it's why I think I should be out and not writing in my fucking journal right now) that this hasn't been a social vacation at all. Besides Stuttgart and Stockholm I haven't talked at all. I went out in Berlin, but no one spoke to me and I'm too embarrassed that I'm American to talk here. Sad but true. I'll have to pay for wi-fi long enough to see if I'm meeting SR and/or MK Saturday. I hope I am! I also have no interest in going out as I really don't want to drink.... what a conundrum. I know there's other things, but I don't know, I guess it goes back to the calorie thing. I can have coffee/diet coke.... but then I can't sleep. I just have to figure out what I really want and either do it or place myself in it's way and let it come to me, like He said it would.

American Oddities I Don't Want to Forget:

- Dunkin Donuts in Berlin

- 7/11's in Sweden [and Denmark; there's seriously one on every corner]

German Word Irony:

- Rathaus (Government Building)

- Krankenhaus (Hospital)