I EXPECT NOTHING
Expectations are the probably the #1 way that Humans set each other, as well as themselves, up for failure. I can't, and won't, attempt to speak for anyone but myself but here's what I know: when I come to expect something, either of some situation, someone in particular, or even of myself, falling short of that expectation creates sadness, resentment or worst of all, disappointment. A super hyped up blockbuster hits theatres and ends up falling short of my excitement, I go to a concert but the band I love fails to play my favourite song, I give a friend the perfect birthday present but when my birthday comes around all I get is a belated two-word Facebook post, I go to an interview but instead of acting like the intelligent professional I'm capable of being I allow my Wild Card to derail my chances of landing the job (an archetype I frequently allow to disrupt my more noble ambitions). These kinds of scenarios happen constantly, but it wasn't until I became aware of my expectations that I began to understand that I can actually control the degree to which I allow these things to effect my happiness. So here is the magical, highly logical and perfectly balanced equation (after all, I am a scientist) I constructed to make life a little easier:
Zero Expectations = Zero Disappointments
After awhile it became easy for me to go out to movies, shows, vacations or even mundane shopping trips accepting that I decided to go and make the best of it, expecting these events to be neither mind-blowingly awesome nor God-awful. Once I learned to expect nothing, any amount of entertainment value became a gigantic plus and an easy win; happiness ensues! I learned to expect nothing and everything I received became a bonus.
Well, the material crap is easy. Allow me to assume that my audience, like me, find expecting things from others, as well as themselves, the most difficult tasks when it comes to practicing this principle. Trust me when I say that there's a reason I repeat this phrase to myself almost constantly with regards to my relationships. I put a lot of time and energy into the people I love; I plan elaborate activities, write notes, design surprises, perform favours without question or promise of compensation, buy and/or creates things, loan money and make other personal sacrifices for them. I'm not even completely sure why I do these things, it's just something I accept about myself; it makes me happy to do things for others. Once someone has earned my trust and love, which isn't particularly hard and often isn't even a choice I give them, I am completely devoted. In the past, however, what ended up happening is that I did all these things EXPECTING RECIPROCITY without even realising it. I went 25 years thinking these expectations were fair; I put in effort so surely so would they, right? Wrong. When my friends and family repeatedly fell short of my expectations, I felt disappointed, unloved and unappreciated. Only after becoming aware of these unfair expectations in relation to my loved ones' actions and behaviours was I able to see that I was first placing them on a pedestal, then kicking it out from underneath them. When they fell I created resentments and so did they, which obviously only functioned to damage my relationships; it even ruined a few. Please join me in accepting one critical fact, people do what they feel is best for them, not what is expected of them. This is a right that we all have and which should be honoured and respected by all. In this way I came to see that loving my friends and family meant doing things for them because I wanted to, respecting their choices to act as they felt necessary regardless of any brownie points my actions may have accrued.
So here are two examples; and just to prove that I still don't have this shit licked one is prior to my transformation, but the other is very recent. Spoiler alert, the first relationship was lost, but happily, the second continues to grow and thrive; I firmly believe it does so because of my steadfast commitment to this life principle.
1) One my dearest friends was about to turn 25. She was the first of our college group to do so, though I'd known her longest as we'd worked together since our senior years of high school. It had been 3 years since we'd all gotten together, having dispersed after graduation to various regions of the US to make an attempt at life. I've always been a planner, so I put these skills to use scheming with the other girls to surprise the birthday girl with a destination celebration in Viva Las Vegas. The only thing I asked her to pay for was the plane ticket, the other girls and I covered the rest, including a ticket to the Thunder From Down Under Show. She knew only that the trip involved flying, and she incorrectly assumed we'd be going back to the region of New York that we came from since we were then living in Denver. Once we got to the airport and checked-in she inspected her boarding pass and looked at me with a mixture of confusion, anger and awe when she saw that our destination was Las Vegas. She had yet to find out that our friends were meeting us there. Well, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but I can iterate with certainty it was 3 days of pure debauchery. Five gorgeous mostly single ladies on the loose, and one with a knack for talking her way in-to and out-of questionable situations (two guesses who). My newly created thinner and confident Self made sure our group got into clubs without waiting and ensured that free drinks were provided. I was exceedingly proud of myself, surely my friend now knew how special she was and how much I loved her. After giving what I perceived to be the perfect birthday gift, I became frustrated when she'd get upset with me over petty things and became confused and hurt when no such grand gestures were reciprocated. Every so often I'd think, "What and ungrateful 'you know what'!, Doesn't she remember what I did for her? Isn't she grateful?!" Well, I won't reiterate the sticky tale, but our friendship ended at her request a couple of years later; something that ate at me for some time. Yet after my transformation and considerable hindsight contemplation I gained some startling clarity. That trip wasn't for my friend, it was for me. I basically used her birthday as an excuse to flaunt my new body in the one place I knew it would noticed and objectified appropriately, with a group of girls I could finally compete with on the sexy scale. My friend was nothing like me. Introverted and shy, Vegas is the last place she would choose to have her 25th birthday and, truth be told, she had a bit of a lousy time. What right did I have to expect reciprocity for my selfish gift?
2) Well people, I fell in love with a Kiwi, enjoying all the benefits and frustrations of being romantically involved after a lengthy hiatus. Fairly early I discovered that learning to recognize the gifts that one gives in a relationship, how we express and even define love, is as important as being able to recognize how one's partner reciprocates those sentiments. One way to get to know these things is taking the 5 love languages quiz, but I'm still back to dealing with the same conundrum: UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF RECIPROCITY. I've already stated the kinds of things I like to do for those I love, but it took me awhile to recognise the kinds of things that my partner did to illustrate his love and appreciation. Since he loves in a different way, I experienced a difficult period of time where I felt the relationship was completely one-sided and soon began to doubt the relationship would last. Then I asked myself, what would happen if I stopped giving my gifts because my partner doesn't reciprocate them? I'd surely lose a piece of myself that I cherish because for me the act of giving is better than receiving; but do I have the emotional maturity to let go of expecting reciprocity? Can I give without receiving and recreating resentments? Do I really want the same notes and little recordings that I give? The answer is No. I treasure his creativity, everyday acts of service, ability to make me laugh and view things from a completely different perspective. The question then becomes: Can I accept that my partner will never make some grand gesture or surprise me with expensive gifts? Is he enough for me, precisely the way he is without changing anything? The answer is Yes. I cannot and do not wish to control how he loves me or how he defines his love, it enough for me that he makes that claim. I have made the conscious decision to trust and love him unconditionally, but doing so requires that I practice this principle continually, because loving someone unconditionally means having no expectations of them. Critically, this can also be applied to the Self.
