Who is Monti Tao?

As a classically trained scientist in biology and a natural analytical thinker, I never put much stock in intangible concepts like Religion and ‘God.’ If I could not prove something using verifiable methods, I likely wasn’t going to trust the information that was fed to me. Even still, I dabbled in Christian faith during my youth independent of familial beliefs, as they were nonexistent. By my college years those views had pretty much flown the coup. The reasons being that science made more sense to me and I simply couldn’t buy into the fear-mongering dogmas regarding hell and the rapture. As life went on, however, I realized that living without a belief in something outside of this Earth was scarier than the concept of potentially having a pineapple shoved up my ass for all of eternity if I was naughty. This became particularly evident when I found myself in situations where I had no control, like on airplanes. Flying became such a terrifying ordeal that I dreaded it and even had to sedate myself. One day it dawned on me that what I truly feared was death because I believed in nothing beyond this life, and thus my own unique spiritual quest began.

Despite my scientific mind I was a rather odd child who was spiritual in nature. I had a high degree of self-awareness and empathic abilities that enabled me to experience the emotions of others. At the time I had no clue that's what I could do, I just knew I was different. My ‘gut feelings’ actually felt like physical pulls, especially with regards to directions, I would frequently befriend people I already knew but but had never actually met, experienced frequent and startling bouts of déjà vu and vivid dreams, and I always knew what song was about to be on the radio; a rather useless psychic ability I might add. It was no wonder those years without any beliefs were unsettling to me in light of these characteristics. I was keenly aware that my human brain was different from something else deep inside me that I had no language to describe, and when I tried I was treated as a child with a hyperactive imagination, or just plain crazy. As a result I endured almost constant anxiety throughout my life. Constant worry over things I couldn’t control yet were important to me and my loved ones, to our very survival; worry that was borne of a complete lack of trust that the Universe would sort itself out and take care of life as it's always done. 

I won’t go into the details here, indeed that’s what the articles that will populate this blog are all about, but during the first major spiritual shift of my life at the commonly pivotal age of 27 I had an epiphany that led to my own understanding of ‘God.’ Significant in that it sated both aspects of my personality whose inner conflict caused the majority of my stress, the scientist and the deeper intuitive knowing, which I’ll now begin to refer to as my Ego and my Soul, respectively. Again, I’m not going to get into those terms now, but trust that many future mental meanderings will touch on those subjects in eccentric and thought-provoking ways. So, enough suspense! What was this miraculous experience?! Simply seeing something on a commercial one morning during my routine cardio workout. No, it wasn’t an infomercial for a shake-weight, an amazingly powerful vacuum or even a super versatile ladder; it was the infamous equation:

I hope I’ve sufficiently prepared readers for a bit of a far out trip. It’s time for a wee lesson in particle physics and an adventure down a spiritual rabbit hole!

The Physics

E = Energy

m = mass

c = speed of light = approximately 3.0 x 10^8 m/s (in a vacuum)

Leaving the spiritual stuff behind for a moment, I’ll explain this equation on a purely physical basis. In simple terms it states that energy is the result of mass times the speed of light squared, or to the second power depending on the preference of our high school math teacher. The implications of this equation are far more interesting, and get to the meat of this introduction to my spiritual meanderings. 

Breaking down the components of the equation we see mass, which can literally be anything, and the speed of light. The speed of light is a constant, so we can basically ignore it since it’s not going to change. It’s contribution to energy while formidable at about 9.0 x 10^16 m^2/s^2, aka really fucking fast, remains the same so it’s not the critical component of the equation. Mass, consequently, does change and therefore dictates the amount of energy within whatever it is we’re investigating. For example, a car has more mass than a mouse, so it follows that a car will have more energy than a mouse because only mass contributes to the mathematical significance of the equation since c remains the same for both the car as well as the mouse, aka hot rod and mighty mouse! 

Almost there, I promise. If it’s all about mass, what constitutes mass? When we drill down to the most basic units of mass we interestingly find that they too are constant. There are a finite number of particles and subatomic particles that make up everything in our Universe. Whether we’re talking about a car, a mouse or a hydrogen atom; we’re all comprised of protons, neutrons and electrons, which themselves are assembled from still smaller particles known quarks and leptons according to the standard model of physics. Given the continual advancements in particle physics it gets even crazier and new masses are still being discovered, but my point remains valid: we are all made up of the same fundamental elements and their molecules.

Time to back out and bring it home. Given that both the speed of light and the mass components are constants, it logically follows that we are all the same Energy; BOOM. The only difference between me, an Australian aboriginal, a tree, a tin roof, a puff of wind or the laptop I’m using to write this article is the number and composition of particles, thus mass. While our varying masses insinuate that we contain different amounts of energy, the Energy we embody nonetheless originates from the same source. 

Before reading the next part please sit with that, read it a couple more times, wrap the brain around it and ask what it might mean. What feelings begin to stir?

What the Shit Does it All Mean?!

This collective Energy from every particle in this universe encapsulated in every imaginable form on Earth, emitted from every single thing that has a mass greater than zero including gases and substances far far smaller than can be conceived by our human minds, is ‘God.’ Critically, and I really cannot stress this enough, the terminology is completely irrelevant. This Energy is indescribable, has no gender, no agenda, nor any other human quality we feel inclined to assign it to make ourselves feel comfortable. To name it and describe it is to completely miss the point of what it is, but I’ll give a go anyway for dramatic effect. It’s the lift under the wings of an airplane, it’s the love found in tears of joy as well as tears of pain, it’s the amazing job that turns up when we’re broke and destitute, it’s the life force that embodies an ova when it meets a sperm, it’s the rush of the first time we ride a bike and realise no one is holding us up, it’s the magnificence of a snow capped mountain in the distance, it’s the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach right before you find out a loved one has been in an accident as well as the butterflies anticipating a first kiss. It’s the light and the shadow, there is nothing it is not nor is there anything it cannot create. Though it has no agenda, learning to trust that everything is as exactly as it should under its guidance is beyond the abilities of most humans, most see only good luck and bad luck. We call it many things: God, the Atman, Spirit, the Universe, Christ Consciousness, Higher Power, etc. For genuinely personal reasons, I affectionately refer to it as Monti Tao.

For now all I’ll say is that our Souls are but a piece of it, and our egos function to remind us that we are still individual entities. The reason I started this blog is that the day I made the conscious decision to stop controlling and start trusting this Energy force, truly miraculous things began to happen. I mean 'holy fucking shit that's creepy' miraculous, which is coincidently how I came upon the descriptor of Monti. Since then I’ve incorporated an even more important component to my faith: everything I do, I do with a profound intent to serve this Energy in a positive way. Every work on this blog represents my feeble attempt to explain what the hell I’m on about, and to keep it fun and interesting by using both obvious and bizarre analogies, all based up my own experiences in life as well as things that come to me from that Energy (come on, don’t act like we didn’t know this was going to get weird!). My ultimate hope is to cultivate small yet significant shifts in the mass consciousness, positive waves that reverberate throughout the Universe, so that we can experience more peace of mind and start to understand the world we live in on a more spiritual level, connected to our roots and not so horribly amassed in chaos, fear and general negativity.

Until the next one, let's take good care of ourselves. 💖

What it Looks Like

Fuck. It’s happening again; please not again. Son of a bitch. What does it mean? Am I still broken? Haven’t I worked hard to change? To heal the damage? How the fuck did this happen? I promised myself a while ago that I’d never fight again; it wasn’t worth it. Now, I stand in the bathroom, reflect; I need to breath, to think.

A day centered around me, perfectly planned to fuel me for the next day’s event; the type of support I’ve often given but have never received. I knew it was too good to be true. But it had been such an amazing day, I even challenged old conditions and pushed beyond old uncomfortable boundaries for the very first time. I had been winning, so why was I now losing the plot? A surprise guest? No, that didn’t bother me. I knew him to be a social bloke and was genuinely pleased to see him happy. A kink in a day designed for me? Not precisely, but getting warmer. The unexpected food smack in the middle of my articulately planned meal schedule? Bingo. We had a winner.

I was mad, but I lied and said I wasn’t. Yet another old habit of supressing anger, afraid it would inspire feelings which would ultimately lead him to reject me. Wasn’t I worth a day? Hadn’t the plan been his idea? Just yesterday I suggested some changes and that seemed to upset him, so why could he now change them without consideration of my feelings? Shouldn’t I stand up for myself? I have done the work dammit, I fully comprehend the repercussions of continuing those old thought patterns and not taking care of my own needs; resulting in continuous vicious cycles. I won’t do that to myself, not anymore. Not for him, not for anyone.

Tense words past between us as I attempted to convey the millions of conflicting thoughts swirling around in my brain. I did a shit job of it; there was too much to process, everything was happening too fast. The brakes were failing. He joined his friend and left me alone. I’m always left alone. Old trigger, old response. I’ll leave, that’s what I do; flee, fuck off, run. “Stay” I heard a tiny voice inside me say. I ignored it, packed up some stuff and went to the car, but where were my keys? “Stay.” I become confused, disoriented; another old sensation. I recognized the signs, the stress had depleted my blood sugar. I couldn’t think, my emotions were spiralling out of control; the irony of trying to escape from the very thing I needed; both physically and emotionally.

“Stay.” Where the fuck were my keys? I went inside to find them; I must have looked insane. He asked me what I was doing. I don’t remember what I said, just walked away. I felt his hurt, his anger. “Stay.” For him the plan hadn’t changed, it had only been improved. He didn’t understand the broken connection in my brain that I’d only just begun to repair. A repair currently being tested; like a new fuse being pushed to its maximum amps, smoking, threatening to blow under the weight of the situation. Could it handle it? Would it hold?

Back at the car I realized the keys had been there the whole time; under normal circumstances that would have made me laugh. “Stay.” I broke down into tears. All the thoughts flooded me at once, the dam burst. I heard myself say “I don’t want to be alone anymore,” understood it sounded dependent and desperate, but it was actually a cry to the Universe for help. I’d been on my own for 87.9% of my life. For the first time I had hope that I could balance my need for freedom with my authentic desire for a healthy, mutually beneficial, relationship; a partnership. For the first time I thought I was ready, but here I was again. Broken. “Stay.” Louder now. I asked, “Are you sure?” In the past the voice always told me to run but I’d fight to stay, eventually to my own detriment. It’s never actually told me to stay; can I trust it? “Stay.” But he’s mad at me, he thinks I’m crazy, he won’t want me anymore; he’ll see me as broken, just like the others. A toy that was fun for a while, but not worth keeping.

“Stay.” Where will I find the courage to challenge those old patterns? The false conditions that previously led me to self-destruct in similar situations? “You are worth it; Trust yourself. Everything will work out; Trust me. Just Stay.” Inspired by an energy my brain couldn’t comprehend, I wiped the tears from my face. I didn’t look at him as I walked up the drive for the third time. I went inside, put some things away and took three deep breaths. “You’re almost there.” I went outside to join them; still too embarrassed to look at him. Without a word he got up to get me a chair, placed it beside him and seamlessly integrated me into their conversation. I sat, ate something, had a chat; recovered. The rest of the night went precisely to plan, right down to the minute.