Definition: Insecurities

Insecurities: Those traits, whether physical or emotional, which serve to remind someone that they are not yet the person they wish to be and/or make them feel broken. An open wound in the Soul, exposed for all the world to see. 

It's typically quite easy to identify the insecurities of others since we lash out in pain when someone pokes at these wounds. They is a plethora of typical insecurities, such as a lack of wealth or education, or a any number of mental and/or physical ailments. People tend to avoid situations where they fear these insecurities may rear their ugly heads. Worst still, many people are completely unaware that they possess such insecurities; using their ignorance of their own shortcomings as an excuse to treat others poorly who do not, or can not, hide their deficiencies. When it comes to insecurities, a little self-awareness goes a long way. Since I'm painfully self-aware, allow me to share one of my worst as I analyze its toxic effects on my self-esteem.

Admittedly, I have many insecurities. Ironically, these are the things I talk about them most, as if I'm begging others to excuse them or to attempt to make others understand that they are not baseless, fearful of their inevitable judgement. The Confessional mentioned my fear that I'm chronically unable to have a normal loving relationship for several reasons. Additionally, fear of codependency, shame of my American background, mental illness concerns related to my addiction to control, extremism, eating disorder and constant anxiety constantly plague my thoughts. Still more profound, these insecurities compound which ultimately lead to low self esteem, making self acceptance difficult and self-love nigh on impossible.  Indeed, I have only to analyze a statement I've repeated to myself a million times over to convey this sentiment: "What mother would want her son to bring home a barren foul-mouthed American covered in tattoos?!" 

Is that really the image I have of myself? Sadly, it is. Granted, I don't mind my swearing or tattoos, but looking through the eyes of another, it's easy to see than these deficiencies would make me an undesirable daughter-in-law. I've often told the men I'm with that they should find someone better, yet I never truly understood why I thought this way. Last night, however, I realized that there is one wound in particular which has scared me worst than all of the others combined, a wound I'm not sure will ever truly heal; my inability to have children. Oddly, this insecurity does not bother me specifically; I seriously do not want children for many reasons, and I'm steadfast in this resolve. The wound opens when I see its impact on my self esteem and my ability to consider myself deserving of love. Simply put, I will never allow myself to be with a man who wants children. Great men deserve to have children, thus the logic follows that I am not worthy of great men. Unfortunately, for various reasons, I think almost all men are great. 

The confidence I seemed to have mustered when I wrote about Child Rearing becomes compromised when I realize that I'll very likely be alone in this life; especially when talk of such things with potential future partners reminds me of this physical deficiency. Some days facing a lifetime of purely superficial relationships is comforting, others it's terrifying. I didn't ask to go through menopause at 25, nor did I want cervical cancer to rid me of half my baby plug. Nevertheless, it's my reality. Worst yet, I don't know what worries me more, that I feel this inability makes me an unworthy partner, or that I'm immensely relieved that I'll never have children. My potential partners deserve a life including children as much as I deserve one without them. I was hoping to find someone who would be so sated by the happiness with all aspects of their life, as I am, that they would not feel the need to procreate; but some days I reminded that this is extremely unlikely. 

Until such a day I get a grip on this topic, however, I will do what I've always done: rely in a wide circle of dear friends (largely consisting of men and girls who aren't girlie), each of whom I will shower with the immense amount of love and energy I have to give. So long as I maintain these alliances, the loneliness stays within the range of non-existent to tolerable.