Yesterday during my meditation I focused on 'Don't think; feel.'
I do this one fairly often because I almost always operate on pure logic and hard-core numbers, analyzing and over-analyzing until I hit rationality. This creates a substantial imbalance in my Body because while the Mind is thinking it also suppresses all feelings, which in turn presents itself as an increase in anxious and irrational thoughts usually regarding weight control, calorie counting and over-excercise; thus my 'eating disorder not otherwise specified.' This is my crux, the go-to reaction of my Mind when it is stressed. Everyone has something they turn to in this way. When it's drugs and alcohol, they are called addicts; when its video games, they are called nerds.
Anyway, having worked through 'The Steps' the origin of my reliance on logic is as clear as day: My childhood and a deeply inlaid fear of abandonment causes my Mind to do anything in its power to avoid emotional pain, so it dives into the consoling realm of non-emotional logic. So long as I can find the logic in a situation, it is manageable. I have consequently honed formidable analytical thinking skills, looking for the logical pipeline underlying all things such as sets of data/numbers, social interactions or even driving routes, and it has been the key to my success. Still, I often over-analyze and obsess over things while also ignoring my emotional feelings, and this causes the issues I detailed previously; it also makes me quite Bitchy.
So, what's the point of sharing this? One, if I hadn't worked 'The Steps' (or at least the first 8, I'm still not done and may never be) this fundamental origin of my anxiety and 'disorder' would have never came to light. One must dig up the dirt to haul it away, and no matter how painful this can be, trust me, its worth the trouble. More importantly, without this information one justifies self-pity instead of taking responsibility for their personal flaws and striving towards self improvement.
Two, this morning it occurred to me that there must be people who experience the opposite conundrum; they rely almost exclusively on their emotions and throw caution to the wind, not contemplating the rationality of the situation. Likely these people will have had parents who were emotionally isolated and/or isolating (pure speculation, admittedly). Indeed, when I thought about it further I became convinced it must be true; how many idiotic, even dangerous, things have people done because they were acting on raw emotions such as fear, rage and/or elation?
The key is balance; and it's something I'll be working on for the rest of my life.
I do this one fairly often because I almost always operate on pure logic and hard-core numbers, analyzing and over-analyzing until I hit rationality. This creates a substantial imbalance in my Body because while the Mind is thinking it also suppresses all feelings, which in turn presents itself as an increase in anxious and irrational thoughts usually regarding weight control, calorie counting and over-excercise; thus my 'eating disorder not otherwise specified.' This is my crux, the go-to reaction of my Mind when it is stressed. Everyone has something they turn to in this way. When it's drugs and alcohol, they are called addicts; when its video games, they are called nerds.
Anyway, having worked through 'The Steps' the origin of my reliance on logic is as clear as day: My childhood and a deeply inlaid fear of abandonment causes my Mind to do anything in its power to avoid emotional pain, so it dives into the consoling realm of non-emotional logic. So long as I can find the logic in a situation, it is manageable. I have consequently honed formidable analytical thinking skills, looking for the logical pipeline underlying all things such as sets of data/numbers, social interactions or even driving routes, and it has been the key to my success. Still, I often over-analyze and obsess over things while also ignoring my emotional feelings, and this causes the issues I detailed previously; it also makes me quite Bitchy.
So, what's the point of sharing this? One, if I hadn't worked 'The Steps' (or at least the first 8, I'm still not done and may never be) this fundamental origin of my anxiety and 'disorder' would have never came to light. One must dig up the dirt to haul it away, and no matter how painful this can be, trust me, its worth the trouble. More importantly, without this information one justifies self-pity instead of taking responsibility for their personal flaws and striving towards self improvement.
Two, this morning it occurred to me that there must be people who experience the opposite conundrum; they rely almost exclusively on their emotions and throw caution to the wind, not contemplating the rationality of the situation. Likely these people will have had parents who were emotionally isolated and/or isolating (pure speculation, admittedly). Indeed, when I thought about it further I became convinced it must be true; how many idiotic, even dangerous, things have people done because they were acting on raw emotions such as fear, rage and/or elation?
The key is balance; and it's something I'll be working on for the rest of my life.
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