Thought of the Day 07/17/2013: The Partner of My Dreams

After a considerable hiatus from dating and/or having a 'romantic' relationship, I recently pitched an attempt at dating (technically my second, but the first was so half-hearted it really shouldn't count).  In light of my failed engagement, fears regarding a relapse into co-dependent behavior, I stayed true to my principles to navigate these foreboding waters; but there was an added benefit of flexibility as the guy was one of my best friends, understood my quirks, and was also in no hurry for anything serious since he's also been single for the majority of his years.  Now, a relationships between two people who desperately cling to their single habits made a few things clear to me, which made the modest anxiety I experienced during this time completely worth it in the end.

This brings me to my central, critical, premise: PEOPLE WILL NOT AND DO NOT CHANGE, FOR ANY REASON, UNLESS THEY HAVE A TRUE DESIRE TO CHANGE. When someone changes for the sake of another it creates resentments, both conscious (they actually feel angry/resentful) and subconscious (they tell themselves they don't care, that they want to change to make the other person happy, but they really don't because the change is against their fundamental nature).

Simply put, to be involved in a relationship one must make changes to accommodate the other person; spatially, emotionally and physically. One must want that person in their bubble, want to touch them and want to feel for them on a tangible level, which can require considerable changes in daily routine and thought processes.  Whether or not the relationship has longevity depends completely on both people wanting to make these changes.

Long story short, my friend and I are better off the way we were; neither of us wanted it badly enough.  This is absolutely fine and happens 99.99% of the time.  The beneficial aspect of all this is that it made me realize what I need; indeed, what I deserve, to have a lasting healthy relationship.  To this end, here are some of the following features that my future life-partner will possess (and yes, I say life-partner because I refuse to adhere to the social convention of gender restriction, i.e. that I must marry a man because I'm a woman):

1. Is Spiritually Awake, Meaning:
• Profound and fundamental faith in something higher than their own ego
• Distinguishes 'Knowing' from 'Believing' (this subject is an article all it's own, and hopefully I'll remember to write it someday)
• Understands that there is no such thing as a right/wrong decision, and trusts that people make the best decision they can at that time with good intention
• There is no such thing as blame
• Does not judge others based on typical human character flaws
• Sees the hilarity of life, from the most tragic to the most beautiful
2. Has a Good Sense of Direction (symbolically, I need someone who knows where they are but can get somewhere else on their own without my help)
3. Makes Me Feel Wanted and Comforted
• Effectively, this person will personify Xanax
4. Will Clandestinely Drive Me to Self Improve
5. Reinforces and Reveals My Divine Lessons
6. Understands Me, But Does Not Always Agree With Me
7. Communicates Effectively and Actively
8. Honest and Selfish Enough to Leave Me if it's What They Need
9. Accept and Appreciate My Reciprocity of Each of These Points

I realize that this is a lot to ask for, but these are the building blocks I require; I'm simply too busy working on myself, selfish though that my sound, to work on the fundamentals of others.  Therefore, it naturally follows that I am fully prepared to spend this life alone.  This will inevitably seem sad, but I'm perfectly okay with that; it is a decision I've made mindfully, accepting the consequences and understanding that if I feel lonely I must change my willingness to compromise the needs I've detailed above, instead of projecting my loneliness onto others in the form of a crappy pessimistic attitude, like an old crotchety spinster.  Nevertheless, I am more important than compromising these needs and principles for the sake of having companionship; I'm the only companion I truly need and, most importantly, I'm the only companion that's guaranteed to stick around for my entire life.

Travel Day 7: Thursday, 6/21/2012

23:39 Stockholm [Link to Pics]

Had an AMAZING DAY in Stockholm with MB!  So far the food here is the best I've had, but it's also mostly been desserts, which easily win me over, haha.  I'll write more later, but I'm so tired and tomorrow will be a long day as it's the Midsummer festival! The sun isn't going down, so I'm finding that I'm tired but not really feeling the urge to sleep.  I know I must though, so to bed!

Travel Day 6: Wednesday, 6/20/2012

NOTE: Continuing forward I will refer to people only by their first and last initials [FL] to maintain anonymity.

7:05 Stuttgart Hbf [Hbf = Hauptbahnhof = Main train station]
Well, I at least made it to the right platform with plenty of time to spare for my train to Hamburg.  I didn't sleep last night which was the culmination of relief of my constipation (I'm pretty sure the doner kebab loosened things up), having 2 large beers and apfelstruedel (Trains here!) and a large cappuccino (2 shots of espresso).

Aside: First class is pretty nice and the train is cool looking, can't wait to see how fast it goes.

I'm feeling anxious but that's my norm after a night of even modest drinking and lack of sleep, combine that with the fact that I'm traveling to Stockholm via 3 trains, none of which have any room for error.  Oh, thank God they do announcements in English too!

Last night, after a quick nap during which I had a dream JB and I were trying to lug a keg up a flight of concrete stairs and I got mad at a bunch of Germans for only speaking German so I decided to get back at them by speaking in a thick UK-Cockney accent which they likewise wouldn't understand (RANDOM), PS, MK and I headed to the Hbf to find their friend SR and then we were going to get doner kebabs, groceries and trinkt! [German translation = drink!]

1) Doner Kebabs - How do you say mother-fucking amazing in German?! These Turkish 'pitas' come in 2 varieties, in a 'pita' or 'yufta' a large peice of delicious flat bread they make right there on their grill. It's like a cross between a thick flour tortilla and naan.  Holy awesome.  I got mine with everything - Feta, lettuce, onion, tomato, red and green cabbage/half sauerkraut-like and their version of tzatziki.  It was absolutely phenomenal.  While in Berlin I think I'll try the popular pizza that these places also sell.  Both MK and SR, each having lived there, agree Berlin has high quality food at the lowest prices, so that's where I plan to try the large quantity of foods :)  Food in general here is very reasonable.  I got 2 days worth of groceries for only 8Euro.

2) Trinken und Dessert - Per MK I tried a dark (and large!) beer, also made in Stuttgart by Dinkelwieser, I can't really remember the name but hope to recognize it so I can get it again as it was the largest and cheapest on the menu, haha.  Then I had a banana-weisen, which I assumed was a beer with banana flavor brewed into it.  Instead, I got a monstrous glass of half-beer half-banana syrup.  It was good, but I think I'll stick with the dark beer I mentioned.  No imperial stouts here it seems :(  After 2 beers and a lot of marvelous conversation, we headed to the restaurant that had caught my eye on several previous occasions right on Schlossplatz.  We were in pursuit of black forest cake, but couldn't find it so I'm to buy it at a bakery in Berlin cuz it'll be very cheap but very good.  Instead, I was recommended the traditional Apfelstruesel which was served hot with custard, vanilla ice cream which had melted and whipped cream - Holy phenomenal!  It was simple, the dough was thin and unassuming and the dish wasn't as sweet as it's American counterpart, which was perfect.  Oh, by the way, I bought the German version of equal, which are tiny tablets, haha.  I'm so ridiculous.  The food in general here is less salty and sugary.  I feel most Americans would call it bland, but for me it's perfect.  Relying more on herbs, spices and general culinary aptitude to execute flavorful dishes. I wonder how fast we're going cuz it's definitely faster than American trains ( I should have warned SR about that....).

3) SR - One of the hottest men I've ever seen and I noticed a ring :( PS said 'long-term' is on the Left and 'married' is on the Right.  Here's the funny thing, I made a total ass of myself (shocking, I know) when I asked where his GF/wife was; he said his boyfriend was in Berlin.  Thanks for clueing me in PS! But this was good because before then I was kind of shying away from him, though he looked at me a lot [I'll explain later] and we both have similar job histories as he used to be a monitor for clinical research! At this point, knowing he was gay and unattainable on all fronts, I no longer held back and we spent all night talking.  He and his boyfriend have been together for 7 years but they live in different countries until SR finishes his PhD in Liverpool and moves back to Berlin.  They're taking a trip from Vancouver to LA in September which they're very excited about (which is why I mentioned the train-thing earlier).

What I really love about SR is that he is all man, no flamboyancy, yet gay.  It got me thinking, did societal constraints somehow cultivate the flamboyant gay stereotype which is rampant in America? Do they feel they need to distinguish themselves and display that behavior though it perpetuate their own negative stereotype? Sure, there's guys like G- and TE who are like SR, but they are gems.  Is SR also a gem? I haven't met enough gay Germans to know.  Either way, I really enjoyed meeting him and he insisted on giving me a hug when we parted last night. Actually what he said stuck in my mind, 'Let me give you a hug,' and he gave me a look and embrace, almost that of pity, but with sincere feelings of acceptance and positive energy wishes for a better future for me.  Could I really present my damage so obviously? Since all my emotions are blunt I have no doubt an enlightened/aware person can easily pick up on my scars, but I don't want to convey myself that way, at least not that I mask it with fake happiness.  Yes, I've been hurt, but yes, I am happy.

Or perhaps I saw something that wasn't there and he just wanted to hug me.  Yet my instincts told me, I felt his energy, he was actually hoping things would be better for me. I accept that energy with all of my heart and thank him.  What a beautiful soul.... and ripped arms, haha :P

4) General German Stare-Downs - I noticed yesterday that I was getting the stare-down a lot more than normal, at least more than I'm used to and enough to make me notice.  I'm sure it was half paranoia and half real.  I thought either A) They can tell I'm a foreigner by looking at me, B) I'm too scantily clad with showing tattoos, cloth shorts and a tank top, or C) I'm incredibly attractive.  I asked MK and while he was kind and conceded point C was the likely culprit, he replied that, in general, Germans don't look but stare at people.  It doesn't both me, in fact I feel a bit relieved as by American standards, I also tend to stare; but I couldn't help but be confused.  SR later agreed with this point.  I think this is also related to another thing I noticed and very much appreciate and respect: Germans maintain CONSTANT eye contact while conversing.  I absolutely love this directness, it's bold and engaging and illustrates active conversation with mutual conveyance unlike America, where it's all double speak, eye aversion and general standoff-ish body language.  Respectfully, Germans are like myself, state the truth and opinions as though they were fact, and respectful acknowledgment of thoughts and ideas.

Overall I think it's clear I'd be phenomenally happy to live here; I think I'd fit right in without consequence.  Last night, I even made a 5 year plan to learn German and move here.

5) Stuttgart, A Reflection - The city of stairs and my calves/shins can vouch for it!  Gorgeous, quaint city with positively delightful close towns like Esslinger and Ludwigsburg.  Definitely set a great tone for the rest of my trip and made a huge positive impression on me!

I keep getting paranoid about being on the wrong train and I'm also in a reserved train car cuz we stopped at Mannheim and I was in the water closet (WC, aka toilet), when I came back there were old people in my seat, haha.  I moved, but realize I may have to do so again.  Some of the signs above the seats changed to Frankfurt and I thought maybe the train split but Frankfurt is on the way, so I'm being silly.  I will worry though!  Gonna occupy my time as writing is difficult on this thing.

11:35 Train to Hamburg
Just stopped in Hannover, so we should be in Hamburg in about an hour.  I just closed my eyes to relax, and will away the hunger of sheer boredom, and something so clear occurred to me I feel compelled to immortalize it.  It's critical to 'Plight of the Chronic Talker.'  It has become obvious, according to how people attempt to address me, that I look German; just another face in the crowd.  I blend in and no one assumes I'm a foreigner and can't speak Deutsch or understand what they're saying; I can't eavesdrop.  This may not seem like an epiphany, but it showed me why I want to be German with such zeal; it is my one attempt to control the one behavior I feel powerless over, my lack of filter.  In America, I'm outgoing, frank, loud, inappropriate, though funny, endearing (I think at times), sincere and kind; I still display tactlessness as a result of my not know what I'm going to say before it's already our of my mouth.  This is what I wish to change.

Since they don't know I can't speak German, here I must seem quiet, reserved and polite; replying in simple pleasantries because that's all I know.  This is how I alway want to be.  What's more, in learning German, I will at first need to carefully survey the words I say, checking them for context, meaning and syntax.  In effect, I will have a powerful filter because as I do that, I can also check my tendency to be too bold and opt to tread the line between funny and inappropriate in consideration of cultural views.  Even when I become fluent and the need to choose my words is gone, habit will likely prompt me to continue my routine, effectively acting as a filter.

In this way I can keep all my wonderful communication skills which have led me to portray myself as a competent, intelligent, honest, funny, kind and hopefully considerate person without those off-hand comments that turn heads and draw negative attention to me.

True, sometimes I am able to think before I speak, realize it borders tactlessness, but for either humor or emphasis say it anyway.  I take responsibility for the things I say and the reaction of others.  What people don't understand, except BD, is that I don't always get the luxury of knowing what I'm about to say and I'm as ashamed of my words as others feel awkward at having heard them.  This is a way for me to start over.

13:40 Train to Koebenhaven [Link to Pics]
Successfully made it on the train to Koebenhaven and I couldn't find a place to fill up my water bottle and the lady in the dining section said I had to pay :(  Let's see how thirsty I get before I give in. . . I gave in, 2.80Euro, then I found out I had a voucher for free water all along, haha.

16:10 Train to Koebenhaven
I met a cool chick from Atlanta who tole me I get free coffee, which I didn't realize; tits!  We just took the ferry into Denmark too. Woot!

18:46 Train to Stockholm
Third and final Train!  This one is high speed, I'm going to ask how fast it goes.  The ferry crossing into Denmark was cool and after that I sat with HS.  I'm glad I met her, it reaffirms that there are people exactly like me out there; intelligent, ambitious, seeking and stuck inside their own head, trapped by anxiety.  She's going to meet up with a friend's cousin (from the UK) in Amsterdam to marry him for citizenship; an idea which profoundly resonates with me.  I hope it works out for her if that's what she truly wants.  Going to try and sleep now as it's Midsummer in Stockholm and I'm not sure what MB has planned :)

Thought of the Day 06/13/2013: Hay Haulin' Humility

Fact: The ability to run ten miles at a steady pace is not an accurate measure of overall physical ability.

This was the sad realization I came to last night when I went to my bosses barn to unload and stock a year's worth of hay for her horses.

To be fair, I asked how many bales there would be and for their approximate weight prior to attempting this feat.  I was told that there was around 300 bales to unload at 50-80 pounds each, which I knew would be extremely difficult for me given my admittedly abominable upper body strength (and/or lack, thereof).  Nevertheless, I committed to the potentially embarrassing adventure.

And oh, embarrassing, indeed! The first bale I attempted to move stood steadfast against my most laborious effort, not so much as a budge; it mocked me.  Granted I felt a bit better after being told the bales tended more around the tune of 100 pounds, but given a chick the same size as me, maybe even slightly smaller, was throwing them around like bags of friggin' feathers, I was sufficiently mortified.  I tried not to think about it, but damn, how exquisitely humbling.  So much for my obsessive cardio training, it did me no good in this strength-centric arena.

To make matters even worse, due an extremely large lunch of chicken fajitas and entire basket of chips at my favorite mexican restaurant, plus a cinnamon roll I'd indulged in that morning, when it came to feasting on the pizza my boss had bought for our hay haulin' fuel I was still too full to eat a significant amount.  Instead, I opted for a seemingly meager meal of two tofu hot dogs, pretzels, a salad and some yogurt.  My boss was convinced I lacked strength because I hadn't eat enough, something I've both heard and felt for years; indeed, as the basis of my 'eating disorder not otherwise specified.'  Regardless, this made me feel mentally inadequate in addition to my physical failings.

Well, I loaded the bales onto the conveyor for awhile, sometimes alone if I could get them up onto my hip or thigh which were able to compensate for my lack of biceps, but most times with much needed help from a friend.  Finally I found my true calling, unloading the wagon by pushing the bales off the side to be picked up by the burlier haulers below.  Rolling the bales end-over-end proved much easier as I employed my ample back, should and leg muscles to execute the task in lieu of my puny arms.

After unloading the first wagon I noticed that my voice was all but gone and I was starting to wheeze, so I popped two Benadryl and watched as the men, and my boss, unloaded the second.  This morning when she tried to pay me twenty bucks I looked from the bill to her and back horrified, I felt like I owed her the $20, not the other way around! I most certainly had not earned this money, and I could therefore not accept it under any terms.  Since she wouldn't take it back, I split it between two colleagues who had also come with me to help; championing the work that I could not.

To me, the lesson here was clear: for total body strength one needs not only a dynamic exercise regimen of both cardio and weight lifting, but more importantly, one also requires secure mental health.  My issue is not that I don't eat enough, it's that I constantly worry that I don't.  When I consciously make an effort to eat more and help boost my energy to support my workouts, I become petrified of gaining weight and immediately seek ways to justify cutting the calories back out of my diet.  As such, I won't even attempt to vale my pessimism as I continue to lose hope of fully achieving the latter part of my conclusion, though I have made a half-hearted attempt at sprinkling some strength training into my routine.  My circular pattern of irrational fear and anxiety surrounding what I do and do not eat has been a significant cause of suffering in my life, but it's also something I seek to continually remediate.  Still, it's proving the most difficult habit-breaking exercise I have ever experienced.  This issue has even prohibited me from starting my weight-loss book, an endeavor near and dear to my heart, as I feel that I have to beat this problem as an ending for the work.   I must face the realization, however, that it may not happen, instead focusing on the more optimistic possibility that writing the book may yield it's own ending; I just have to start writing and see what materializes.  Stay tuned.