Thought of the Day 08/16/2013: Intolerance and Choice

Today while explaining to some co-workers that speech impediments significantly disturb me, especially on a visual level (lispers tend to overuse their tongues), I was labeled as intolerant.  Instantly I became sad and frustrated, do people really view me this way?  I’m woman enough to admit my faults, but I have never before considered being among them. 

Indeed, I am tolerant of all type of Humans, having no moral judgment in my heart.  Though I may superficially comment on someone’s wandering eye or absurd choice of dress, I never extend that to their fundamental ability to function as a Human.  To me all Humans despite their faults, addictions, physical oddities, masturbation habits, race, general moral deficiencies or education level, deserve a fundamental level of respect because they are here attempting to survive as a Human. We’re all in this rat race together, for better or worse, and since no one is without fault, no Human has the right to judge another. 

Now, the one thing I do have in my heart is honesty; it’s been called brutal.  I was raised never knowing if I was being told the truth; as a result, I apply a strict policy of full disclosure smothered in 100% honesty.  This it is my gift to those around me, but for some people it is a gift they never asked for or expected, and it is often misconstrued as rudeness and/or intolerance.

Since I’ve been on the self-improvement kick for the past couple of years, I thought hard about why being called intolerant upset me so much.  It can only upset me if I think it’s true, because though people perceive me in different ways, it is how I perceive myself that truly matters.  As Humans we should all be sensitive to the gaps between how others take us and how we want to be taken; but relying too heavily on the approval and opinion of others can be devastating to one’s self esteem.  We should instead focus on who we want to be and align our behaviors accordingly; some people won’t get it, because ultimately we can’t control what others think or how they interpret our behavior. Accepting this is Step #1 towards stronger self-esteem.

Anyway, I realized that I am indeed intolerant, but of only one thing.  This one thing, however, is so broad that I understand how it can be taken as general intolerance. I cannot, and will not, tolerate people who fancy themselves victims.  If someone is unhappy then they must do something to change their situation, pure and simple; I have no time to listen to their incessant gripes.  People in shitty relationships need to overcome the fear of loneness and leave, people who hate where they live need to move, people who hate their job need to quit, addicts who hate themselves due to their addictions need to get their asses to a meeting, people who hate their poverty need to find a way to conserve or make money, if Person A has an issue with Person B then they need to confront Person B instead of bitching about them to everyone else.  These are the things that I cannot tolerate; complacency over one’s own happiness.

What’s odd is that this morning I was contemplating writing about my thoughts on the choices, or lack thereof, which people make and realized that these two things are directly related.  People feel victimized when they believe that they have no choices.  To this point I will state this undeniable fact: THERE IS ALWAYS A CHOICE.  Even if someone is holding a gun to your head, there is a choice.  Now, what truly makes us feel like we have no choice is that we find the repercussions of those choices so horrible that we trick ourselves into thinking there isn’t one at all; but that is a fallacy. 

For example, I repeatedly flake on friends.  I opt to do the things I feel are critical to sustaining low stress levels, and thus, my sanity; damn the consequences.  Sometimes I feel guilty, but I attempt to mitigate that by warning friends of my flakiness.  Also, I assure them that if they clearly state the event’s importance, I will commit and keep that commitment.  This makes some of them angry and I’ve even lost friends this way, but that’s just something I have to deal with.  I do this in accordance with one of my fundamental principles: When a person makes a choice to ensure someone else’s happiness, instead of their own, they will create resentment towards them either conscious or subconscious. So, ironically, I do my loved ones the favor of keeping myself happy first and foremost, which in turn ensures that I am emotionally fit to optimize my relationships with them.

I make choices every day, doing so knowing that I will have to deal with their repercussions both positive and negative.  Especially daunting is the fact that it’s not always possible to prepare for that outcome or know whether it will be positive or negative.  In this case, I choose what I think will make me happiest at the time and the choice that is best in-line with my intrinsic principles; regardless of what I suspect will happen afterwards. Most importantly, it makes me feel powerful to know that I always have a choice, and that I’m strong enough to deal with the outcomes.

So yes, I am intolerant, but my honesty keeps me from being apologetic for this fact.  Making choices and invoking change is painful and terrifying, but it is also a requirement for growth and happiness.