I initially wrote and published this work shortly after the break up with my one and only boyfriend/fiancé of 3 years. I took it down, not wanting to air my dirty laundry, but think it is time it's reposted. My feelings were natural and honest, and I'm not ashamed of them. This may be an emotionally taxing read, however, so take heed.
December 15, 2012
There’s nothing more
infuriating than someone telling you to “Just stop thinking about it” or “Let
it go”. How exactly does one accomplish that? If you’re looking for
an instructional manual, you won’t find one here or anywhere else, believe me
I’ve looked. But I will share some points that helped me through my
current situation; particularly during the dark days when the break-up with my
fiancé prompted me to do utterly insane things that I would never normally do,
and would in fact label them as desperate attempts performed by a
mad-woman. Fanatically checking my phone for calls or texts, checking my
email, hoping to see his car in the parking lot or hoping to have him
spontaneously walk through the door, take me in his arms and tell me everything
could go back to the way it was before; back to our old familiar, comfortable
and unhappy lives. I’m proud to have kept it together enough to stay away
from his new apartment and work, avoiding becoming an all-out stalker.
The last time I saw him
he was with the ‘other’ girl. Two nights later on Thanksgiving Eve, while
staying at a friend’s apartment because I couldn’t bear to be in our old one
alone, I had a dream in which they sat me down and told me every reason, in
painful detail, why he had chosen her over me, how and why she was better than
me, and what she could give him that I could not. I thought the pain
would kill me. It took considerable treadmill therapy and a forlorn text
to combat that one.
After that, there was a
week-long period of time where I still couldn’t let go though he’d already been
out of the apartment for two weeks. I texted him though I knew I
shouldn’t, and I was angry at myself for not being strong enough to let him go
as easily as he had obviously let me go. It finally culminated in one
night when I, in hysterics, begged him via text to call me so that I could get
closure. I wanted an apology damn it; I deserved to know why he had
rejected me. His response pointed to my complete lack of giving him a
moment’s peace, and that I was ultimately distorting the situation.
That night I realized I
was no longer dealing with the man I had fallen in love with, and I was
grieving a relationship that had already ended; I could even pinpoint the
beginning of the end. In fact, neither of us had been our typical selves,
or happy, in a long time. Neither of us caused the displeasure for the
other, but nevertheless our proximity has caused the negativity to be felt by
both. His depression and my anxiety were co-dependent conspirators; saboteurs
of our relationship. Imagine my surprise when it dawned on me that my
addictive personality had struck again! This time so subtle I didn’t see it
coming on and settling in. The love, affection, adoration, constant
companionship and comfort he provided were well worth the times I cried so hard
my eyes swelled shut. Have you ever stopped an addiction cold-turkey?
Gobble, gobble.
Another scary realization
occurred to me; I had thrown him out. I don’t have to defend what I did;
after finding emotionally disturbing texts to another girl on a phone line I
paid for while he went to college needs no justification. My emotion of
rejection was also just, as I had begged him back twice since initially
throwing him out, including the night I saw them together. Both times he
told me he was on his way and I waited on the couch both nights; he never
showed. Was this projection of powerlessness and victimhood my way of
seeking the pity of others? If so, I know I don’t deserve it; I can’t
possibly comprehend what that act did to his psyche, and it must have
ultimately served as the basis for his decisions with regard to me and our
relationship.
The initial inability to
let go was due to the non-acceptance of the situation, my addiction to the love
he bestowed upon me. Even though it wasn’t great towards the end, it was
certainly better than being alone. I was even aware of his new ‘friend’
and his emotional connection to her, but he had told me they had ceased their
correspondence. In hindsight, however, when everything miraculously
cleared I saw that I was holding onto mistaken beliefs regarding what had
happened, and also how he felt about the situation. I imagined them
together laughing at my naivety, doubted that he ever really loved me and truly
believed that if I had worked harder, I could’ve prevented this situation and
made him happy.
The painfully simple fact
is that I cannot know how he feels, and will never know; he may not even
know. He is coping in a manner controlled by his Self, Mind and Body. This lack of knowledge of his feelings seems foreign to me since we
have been so close for so long. I came to think of myself, indeed
identify myself, as his wife and eternal caretaker. Now I’m in complete
darkness having to guess, and I’m bound to guess wrong. I think of the
most painful scenarios imaginable because I, like all other Humans in this
situation, have become a tried and true masochist; all rationality flies out
the window because deep down we mistakenly think, for some sick reason, we deserve
to feel pain and not love.
The morning after the
last time we ‘spoke’, I woke up and told myself I was alone, but ok. That
first day I didn’t truly believe it, but I kept repeating it and believed it a
little more with every passing day. One night I simply lay on my couch,
closed my eyes, took deep expansive abdominal breaths as I listened to soft
mediation music. I had no intention; I simply wanted to focus on the
present. Suddenly an image arose of a snake tightly wrapped around my
ankles preventing me from stepping away from the past and into the present,
thus preventing me from moving on with my ‘new’ life. The snake, of
course, represents the pain and the other overwhelming emotions I’ve
experienced as a result of this separation. During my meditation I simply
waited for the snake to loosen its grip, and calmly walked away from the binds,
feeling a great inner peace thereafter that I was able to maintain for hours.
I also came to realize
that my true inner struggle was a result of my inability to reverse or ignore
my feelings for him; we had loved each other, mutually and profoundly.
Instead of pretending the love never existed, or replacing it with resentment,
I will embrace it and put that energy into further action. I will
continue to love him, and also myself, by letting go completely and
relinquishing all control. I'm not completely ready yet, but I will be.
Our ‘Self’s' were pulling us towards independent paths, and those signals
should be honored. His ‘Self’, and everyone else’s, deserves respect and
the acknowledgment that they can take care of themselves and their own
problems. It is not my responsibility to clean up everyone else’s mess as
I’ve believed my entire life. Furthermore, by trying to control others,
I’m taking away their inherent freedom and opportunities for ‘Self’ discovery
and growth, while driving my ‘Self’ utterly crazy. Gobble, gobble.
I am human, I am not
perfect and I have limitations. This inner peace comes in transient,
fleeting waves; but the fact that I can generate it at all gives me hope.
I still expect to experience the pain and fear associated with my loss from
time-to-time, but I have the mindfulness to recognize the source of those
emotions which originate due to my mistaken controlling-perfectionist identity
and emotional addiction. The inner peace, however, enables me to see that
there is no fault, no blame and no anger in this situation. I can, and will,
let go.
Phew! Who needs a drink?
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