The Spectrum

Warning: This article includes thought-provoking and awareness-building concepts. Awareness is a one-way street; we cannot go back once certain ideas are presented to us. Proceed with courage and self-compassion.

I wrote Fighting for Funds months ago, but continually felt something was missing. I hadn’t yet sussed out what constitutes true confidence. How do we know when it’s real, both within ourselves and others? We are capable of appearing confident when we actually feel insecure, aka ‘faking it until we make it.’ Conversely, we can be blind to our underlying insecurities and overcompensate by blowing straight past confidence to conceit. Somewhere in the middle we get a sense of ‘I got this’ with no other emotional undertones playing in the background, the sweet spot of security.

Recently, a friend who shares my enthusiasm for mental preponderance helped me locate the missing piece of this puzzle. A culmination of what I attempt to describe in Emotional Dichotomy as well as Waking up to Worth. These concepts lie on a spectrum. What we think versus how we feel constitute the axes of this spectrum, and our inner dialogue allows those two voices to communicate (or not, as the case may be). Each are intellectual centres in their own rite, but in the western world we’re socially conditioned to rely most heavily on our highly logical lizard brains, leaving intuitive gut feelings for post-modern hippies and batty new-age spiritualists. 

Well, here’s what a scientific gypsy has to say about it.

The interaction between these two sources of information (thinking vs feeling), establishes a relationship within ourselves. This is the most essential and meaningful relationship we will ever be in, yet some are dangerously unaware of this partnership, between the two voices of our inner dialogue. Does our brain bully and assert its control over everything, smothering that intuitive voice, deaf to its wisdom-saturated input? Or do we predominantly ‘go with our gut’ and wind up in the shit for making blatantly illogical decisions, all in the pursuit of the warm fuzzies? Balancing on this spectrum requires us to become aware of both what we think and how we feel, and start to tease apart that relationship to come to decisions that are informed by both; balanced decisions.

Just when we thought this wasn’t confusing enough, here’s another caveat to consider. Emotions that arise from our intuitive gut feel tend to be stable and consistent throughout time, that fundamental and authentic “I know who I am, what I like, and what pisses me off.” Conversely, emotions that arise from thoughts are much more unstable and transient. Thought-based emotions are almost exclusively influenced by social conditioning and past experiences, which at times make them inherently flawed. Our brains can operate at turbulent extremes, whereas our gut takes a more steady approach. For example, our gut will never feel that putting our hand in a boiling pot is a good idea but our brain might if it thinks it needs the $100 simmering at the bottom. The gut lets us know when something is good (butterflies) and bad (pit), and these sensations persist over time, they stay with us for a while. But the brain undergoes emotional whiplash as it transitions from loving to hating something, and back again, in a matter of seconds.

For me, historically and for a myriad of reasons, trusting my gut feeling proved nearly impossible. The two voices did nothing but fight and severe anxiety ensued. I allowed my brain to try and control the situation, to swing wildly, racing back and forth across the thinking axis of the spectrum. I’d then beat myself up with a 10-ton naughty stick for making such a righteous mess of everything and not getting it right the first time, for being imperfect. Intuitively I knew all I had to do was sit back and watch things unfold, get out of my own way; but my brain was too threatened by that intuitive knowing, it needed control. Basically, I was upset with myself for being human, because this is a very human thing to do! We are all perfectly imperfect. If having a healthy inner relationship was easy, there would be a lot less assholes and pain in this world, but I digress.  This is why I strongly feel that the gateway to the sweet spot, to balance, is trust. Trust in ourselves to take care of situations that directly involve us, and trust in the Universe to sort out everything else that’s outside of our scope of influence…. Which is damn near everything. Humbling, right? 

The result of this integrated trust is security.

Bah Bah Black Sheep

Physical self-confidence is particularly sensitive to The Spectrum, and the following example also highlights the astounding intricacies of where and how we land upon that spectrum. The image of a black sheep amongst a flock of white compatriots comes to mind. I can easily imagine myself as this sheep, especially living as an American ex-pat in New Zealand. Do I act like I belong, though I secretly feel I do not? Am I afraid the flock will oust me for not conforming? Do I mistakenly think I’m better than my peers? Am I secure in my ‘otherness’ and simply accept that I’m different, neither ashamed nor proud of my alternative pigment? 

The fact is that these states are not definite. Why? Because the sheep will shift between all of these sensations, depending on the situation and circumstance. Such factors include the amount of oats in its tummy, if its woken up well rested on the right side of the haystack, if it’s trying to blend in hoping to evade the slaughter house line-ride, or keen to show off its new shaved look to various suitors. In each instance the sheeps’ inner dialogue will change depending on what it thinks versus how it feels. Just like our black sheep, my everyday sense of confidence and the behaviours I display as a result creates a complicated scenario. Like mathematical combinations, the number of situational inputs (thoughts) and behavioral outputs (emotions) computes to an astronomical amount of outcomes. This will always be true unless we gain a more stable sense of confidence, one that remains implacable in the face of various circumstances. So, how do we come to FEEL confident in lieu of thinking ourselves confident? 

Is it easy to feel confident when we’re supremely aware that we’re dressed in jeans and a T-shirt when everyone else is dressed to the nines? No, that takes something all together different; something much deeper than confidence, something that is developed, deconstructed and re-built many times over our lives. It is our sense of security, a feeling that remains with us despite what our brain thinks. Everyones' journey to this sacred place is different. Sorry folks, I'm just asking the questions, I don't have the answers. 

You're welcome.

Fighting for Funds

I’m not sure how it came up exactly, but one day my best friend and flat mate shared that what he liked about me was my confidence. Somewhere deep inside I experienced a devious feeling, like a mean-natured critic who said, “I’ve fooled another one.” That wasn’t even the worst part, I also felt a strong sensation of both fear and sadness. The truth was that I felt broken, ever since I could remember. I lived in fear of others seeing through my façade, but also disappointed that they failed to recognise my underlying pain and need for love and comfort. What I see now, in 20/20 hindsight, is that I wasn’t broken, but my self-worth meter sure as shit wasn’t calibrated correctly either. It got knocked off-kilter at an extremely young age. This is life, folks. The following is what it looks like when I felt shame and tried to live by begging others to give me worth, instead of feeling secure in my authentic pricelessness. 

Of course, I didn’t fully understand those ‘I’m an imposter’ sensations at the time. I did in fact feel confident most of the time and in most situations because confidence typically comes from experience, and f*$% if I hadn’t been through some shit! Looking back at just some of what I’ve accomplished and overcome: I moved out of the house at a young age and supported myself with multiple jobs through high school, I was the first person in my family to go to college and went all the way to a Masters degree in Biological Sciences, I lived through the pain of losing a very close yet drug and alcohol addicted Sister, I suffered with periods of such extreme panic and anxiety that I became agoraphobic, I became determined to get healthy and lost over half my body weight (125lbs/57kg), I experienced the devastation of a mysterious falling out with my best friend of 13 years, I began to climb the ranks of the pharmaceutical quality and manufacturing world, I discovered that I’d never be able to bare child due to a combination of cervical cancer and severe dieting, I lived through the shock of ending my first long-term relationship which came with the added lesson of getting stuck with $7,000 of someone else’s debt, I climbed four of the highest peaks in the Colorado Rockies, I bought a beautiful house before I was 30 and paid off all my debts, I travelled throughout parts of Europe and went to India for work, when certain shit hit the fan and my simple Kansas life went pear-shaped I remembered my lifelong dream of moving abroad and left for New Zealand with little more than a backpack, I got a job and New Zealand residency in record time, made friends and explored its beautiful bush and fjords, when it became clear that a career in pharmaceuticals wasn’t going to workout here I started my own business as a Personal Trainer to some success, I endured the pain of ending my second long-term relationship and accompanying breakdown; yet somehow here I am, a marathon-running operational excellence coach for the largest company in New Zealand. I look back and it’s as if all that happened to someone else, I’m a completely different person. 

Those transitions paralleled lots of other things such as covering myself with tattoos, at times drinking enough booze and/or taking enough caffeine to kill small to medium sized animals and making other fun yet often ill-advised decisions, mostly pertaining to the endless pursuit of love and happiness. Oh, and I couldn’t keep my mouth shut to save my life. After all of that I’m most grateful to finally realise that broken doesn’t mean worthless, but it can lead to dangerous levels of insecurity and leave me emotionally bankrupt. Luckily, worth does not have to be earned, but damn if that isn’t hard to remember when I feel ashamed of somehow not achieving what is expected of me from others or myself.

Instead of permitting my adventures-to-date inspire a sense of accomplishment, it seemed everything I’ve overcome only put more obstacles in my way. Though each was certainly a blessing in its way, they also left marks on my psyche and scars on my body. Along with accumulating experiences, I also accumulated baggage with little to no value. Most originated from my childhood, as it does, which I laboriously dragged into my adulthood while also desperately attempting to hide it and function like a healthy human being. Like some sort of neurotic Santa Clause with a bag of bullshit ready to spread around in the form of chronic approval-seeking, victim stories and false portrayals of superiority. A bag I covered with glitter to fool everyone into thinking it was stuffed with chocolates and puppies, so they’d love me and want me to share my gifts. There were no puppies, but there was a deep-seeded fear of abandonment and rejection that influenced nearly every aspect of my life, ghosts from my past that haunted every step I took. Craving the love I never quite received in my emotionally turbulent youth, I gave everything I had and everything I was to others. When they failed to reciprocate and deliver, I perceived it as neglect because that’s what I was accustomed to feeling, unworthy of affection and attention. BLEAK!

Looking back I see those experiences were underlined with the pain and fear I’ve always tried to keep hidden by confidence. It’s time to take an ugly look at the embarrassing cycle that led to this formidable catalogue. Succinctly, since my own sense of worth is derived from others I put a lot of effort into doings things for people, and take care of everyone but myself. Whether its at work or in my personal life, people fail to appreciate me the way I think they should or in a way I can recognise. I impatiently wait for everyone to ‘come to their senses’ and realise what a priceless gem I am, apologise, tell me how great I am; in short, validate my worth. Devastation inevitably ensues when the words are never said, and their appraisals fall vacant.

All of this completely eluded my consciousness, of course. This is what it looks like when subconscious thought patterns control conscious behaviours. I truly had good intentions, but for all the wrong reasons. For me, Waking up to Worth means putting a stop to my old cycle, to magically turn confidence into security by establishing, owning and protecting my own worth. Realising that I don’t need to earn it, or to have it stamped as ‘valid’ by others estimation of me. Treasuring my gifts instead of continually fighting for funds by allowing others to assess my inherent value.

Waking Up To Worth

When I was in my late teens I went to a renaissance fair and had my palm read. I remembered feeling quite anxious and exposed. Though I put on a great act of unrelenting optimism and happiness to everyone else, this Crone saw through my façade. She told me that I was one of the saddest people she had ever seen; I felt it, I couldn’t even attempt to defend myself against the validity of her words. Christ, $50 was quite a bit to pay to confront my worst fears. I was broken and everyone would know, no one in their right mind would ever love me. But I missed the point that day; she tried to show me a way forward to discovering my sense of worth. Instead, I didn’t even see myself as worthy enough to make a start. We have to walk before we can run.

Many years later, and a world away, I took a spontaneous trip to Hawaii simply because Air New Zealand had cheap tickets. True to my extremely unique nature, I packed a couple of books and running shoes then took off for 9 days dedicated to my favorite hobbies: mindful self-reflection, journaling, running and hiking. I mistakenly assumed the book I brought for a bit of light contemplation would help me begin to shift my obsession with perfection and control, and understand why people develop and maintain perfectionist traits, even to their own detriment (I don’t know any perfectionist that doesn’t drive themselves crazy on a fairly regular basis, and/or expect too much of themselves and others). What happened during those 136 pages, however, was so transformative that I’ve been inspired to revive my blog, having found something truly worth writing about; the concept of worth itself!

I’ll admit up front, this is very personal stuff, humiliating really. The horrifying process of assessing, questioning, re-assessing, pondering, re-re-assessing, owning, understanding and protecting our self worth is not for the faint of heart. My half-assed courage paid off ten fold, as this became a path to unlocking the elusive concept of loving myself. Ah, that fickle mistress! Self-acceptance and love is something we all intuitively know we need for healthy relationships and happier lives; but how?! They are now little more than superficial spiritual Facebook memes. Empty words. We all think we have it, yet how often do we catch ourselves saying things like:

• “I’m such a asshole!”
• “Why I can’t keep my mouth shut?”
• “I can’t possibly ask for help, others might think I’m stupid.”
• “I wish I looked like a super model.”
• “Life would be so much easier if I had more money.”
• “Why don’t people see what I do for them and appreciate it?!”
• “I should eat better, I’m so unfit!”
• “I’d love to tell that person to go f*$% themselves, but that’s not very nice and people would think I’m mean.”

Sad but devastatingly true, these are all signifiers that we feel we are somehow lacking in who we are and what we have; we’re not quite who we want to be or have what we think we need. Or we’ve somehow lost the plot, and deviated from the person we intended to be. The cumulative result? Insecurity in all its various and interesting forms; the creation of shadows as we run, hide from, and hate those aspects of ourselves that we find un-loveable.

Shit like this only serves to make us feel even worse for not loving ourselves; hardly helpful!

Unfortunately, social conditioning makes the statements above seem completely normal. It’s what we hear all around us, on the TV, in movies, and on social media. The world we live in tells us we are what we do and what we have, that our worth must be earned. Well, here I go, I’m climbing out on a very thin branch to scream to the far reaches of the Earth: BULLSHIT! (And I’m probably loud enough to pull it off)

I can now say from experience that having true self worth is a bit like a panic attack or an orgasm; once it happens, asking if it happened is laughably pointless because the feeling is not something we can ever forget. And there it is. Self worth, love and acceptance on the deepest level, is not something we think we have it’s something we feel; a tingle that emanates to every cell in our body.

The fact is that we are all human, gorgeously strange, perfectly flawed and completely limited humans. Regardless of the beliefs pertaining to why we’re here or what the point of living on this orb made of mostly Carbon, Nitrogen, Hydrogen and Oxygen may be, we were all born with worth; an inherent value that does not need to be earned or maintained. We were never without it, nor can we ever truly loose it; but we come pretty damn close when we pour our sense of worth into the material shit we own, and/or the love and approval of another human.

How did reading that feel? Is it believable?

Don’t be discouraged if it’s not, we are conditioned to perceive worth as something that is tangible, assigned and/or earned by people, social status, jobs, etc. The concept of simply being worthy is not ‘normal,’ and can actually lead others to see us as selfish just by putting our own needs before others. Here I go out on my limb again: BULLSHIT!

So, what’s the how? What might help us find a way to re-discovering our worth? I say re-discovering because infants don’t feel like they have to earn love, food and protection from their parents. Here’s an analogy to help:

1. Choose an item that has high value. A heaping pile of whichever commodity one might be loathe to part from such as a stack of gems, blank checks signed by Donald Trump, rare books, a stack of classic rock CDs, the gold coins from Pirates of the Caribbean, irreplaceable pictures of loved ones, or Mac iBooks. Ideally, it personally signifies pricelessness, beyond material worth.
2. Assume the position! Let’s envisage ourselves as this valuable commodity. For example, I’m a pretty pile of emeralds.
3. Imagine every human interaction is a decision to either give a piece of our treasure away or keep it for ourselves, then consider how we might reassess the day-to-day choices we make, and who is worthy of our riches. 
4. We’re having a shit day….. How often do we start out already feeling insecure and worthless, but instead of protecting what we have left we frivolously dole it out, hoping that someone else will re-build our stores? The result is typically devastating disappointment when they fail to validate our worth.
5. Work towards the confronting realization that the only person who has any right to give us worth is ourselves, and ourselves alone. (And yes, that also means we have no right to assign anyone else’s worth; aka being judgmental)

On the days we feel stripped down to one, trying to give anything away will literally require us to break.

Here’s the thing, once we get a glimpse of true self-acceptance and love, learn to protect and own our worth by practicing caring for ourselves in every choice we make; we discover that it is a conscious decision to continue offering ourselves to our partners, kids, parents, jobs, friends, communities, etc. We’re mindfully giving away a piece of our treasure, and sharing it because we know deep down there is an inexhaustible supply. Security. We can make more anytime we want by practicing self-care instead of needing to extract it from others via reciprocity, people pleasing or even manipulation.

I’d be surprised if any of that made a lot of sense as yet, but please keep this concept in mind while reading my own frivolous misadventures. A mortifying look at how I established, maintained and depleted my self worth. Scrutinising all the false beliefs and conditions that kept the concept of self-acceptance and love perpetually out of my reach, and tales of spending my worth in all the wrong places, each in the hilarity and wisdom of 20/20 hindsight. By the end of the series, I’m hoping to convince readers that this courageous work is well worth the effort. When we learn to consciously give our time, money, love or attention authentically from a place of security and self worth, we can 'make it rain' on others without spending a dime or needing anything in return.

Subsequent Articles for Context and a Good Laugh…. Or Cry

Fighting for Funds

Spin Offs:
Sisterly Admiration
The Spectrum
Bah Bah Black Sheep

The book that effected this transformation was Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection; a book to be read when we have the courage to confront our own shame stories, or when we’re on vacation and fancy a life-altering experience while trying to avoid sand on a tiny island.

Sisterly Admiration

This is an actual email I wrote to my Sister.

Heerrrooooohhh!

I'm writing because I had an interview to be a 'Big Sister' yesterday, and the interview basically asked me a lot about my past to ensure that I wasn't so damaged that I'd f$*% up a little kid. To be honest, it made me realise how much I've changed. It almost felt as if I was talking about someone else's childhood, there was no sense of pain or attachment. Interesting shit, but I digress. I heard myself say something particularly interesting that I wanted to share with you.

They asked me about the people I admire most, and why I admire them. I immediately thought of you.  We are both very alike and very different, Sis. You are the only person who can understand what I've been through, because you've been through it as well; and yet we've both come out of it very differently, coped in different ways. Nature versus nurture? 

I admire your stability, how you can stay in that place and be happy with all the trials and tribulations that come with running a demanding family on very little income. You are a strong representative of the American middle class, and you should be damn proud of that. I admire your skills as a Mother most of all, they are truly exemplary. I laughed as I explained to them how you were tied up all day at a dance competition for the girls, and how that would literally be my nightmare, hahaha. I both envy your life, but also appreciate my own because, Sis, I simply couldn't live that way. I'm not sure if I have a fun-loving ever-changing Tarot-reading Gypsy spirit or an unsettled victim spirit that continually runs from her own shadows; it's probably a combination of both and (hopefully) recently moving away from the latter because I've given that victim the license to heal. Either way the 'conventional life' with a husband, kids and a house cemented into the ground simply won't work for me. It's something that has caused me great pain, because I keep thinking that I'm missing out, that I'm broken because I don't fit the mould. In reality, I've only broken myself trying to fit my ass into that mould and fulfil someone else's agenda. Look at the times I've tried for Christ sake! My track record is deplorable! Haha. I'm whole when I'm free, able to move around on a whim. Anyway, this is supposed to be about you dammit! 

I guess I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for showing me both what I have and what I don't have, because through you I get the best of both worlds without being attached to the one I can't comfortably live within. After I talked about you they asked if there was anyone else, and I couldn't think of anyone. You are the only person I truly admire. I absorb a lot of little things from many people, but you are the only person I esteem highly enough to impress me, because, well, I'm pretty f$*%ing conceited! 

They next asked how I was with kids and I iterated the hilarious story of the day I took all three kids to the pool and Q gave the girls a lecture about how they all had to behave because 'Aunt Summie doesn't know how to handle children,' hahahahaha. Oh Q, I love him so!

One last note. They asked if I had spoke to you about being a Big Sister, and I said I couldn't recall. It wouldn't occur to me to ask if you'd support me because I already know the answer. You support me no matter what, even when you don't agree with me or it's something you wouldn't do; you support me anyway, and Sis, that's unconditional love. I feel the same for you. I couldn't and wouldn't live your life, but I'm so f$*%ing proud of you for doing it that it makes me want to puke, haha. For me Sis, the sun shines out your ass, it always has even when we were young and I didn't think you liked me. You were the coolest person I knew and always wanted you to approve of me. A friend here asked me once if I'd ever go back, and my reply was simple and brief: 'If my Sister ever asked, I'd be on the first flight out of New Zealand; but under any other circumstance, F$*% NO." 

I love you Sis,

Summer

PS Can I post this on my blog? This is some deep shit!

My Sister's Response: Awwwwww, thanks sis. Love you too! You can write whatever the hell you want......remember, I always support you! 

Me: I'm including that too..... haha.

Emotional Dichotomy

Part 1 - The Set Up

Disturbingly, during an Emotional Intelligence Leadership Workshop, I realised that I had precisely none. Much to my humiliation, I was struck by the confronting fact that I had falsely mistaken a high degree of self-awareness with emotional intelligence. Since that fateful workshop, where I committed to the extremely uncomfortable process of sussing out my emotions, my entire life has changed. It wouldn't do anyone any good for me to explain it in detail because it wouldn't make sense. Emotions are rarely logical, and emotional work is profoundly personal. The adventure looks different for everyone. Suffice it to say the process ran as a rapid series of small shifts as I consciously engaged with how I felt throughout the day. Each shift taking place as I observed my emotions, learning to lay judgment at bay and cease the suppression; dealing with them in their raw form and acknowledging they had a purpose. At best its a masochistic exercise, but the end result is a liberation so joyful that it's impossible to regret.

For reasons I may get into in other articles, emotions have never been my strong suit. I grew up a torrent of worry, anxiety and panic. Even having the stomach ulcers to prove it. My emotions were little more than the contents of my being that I frequently projectile vomited onto anyone who would listen, and without consent from either party as I often horribly embarrassed myself by the things I said before I even realised they were out of my mouth. These emotions owned me, despite every attempt of my highly logical mind to control them.

And so began the inner struggle of the two voices, and what I now understand was the basis of my constant anxiety. One voice would tell me to relax, see how it plays out, urging me to consider how that person thought or felt before I reacted, or to simply focus on myself instead of concerning myself with things I knew to be out of my realm of influence. 'Leave people and their situations to themselves' it said, 'what others think and feel is none of my business.' But I never listened; I couldn't, I saw no other way. I knew no other way.

Trusting that voice was impossible for me. Why? Fear. Fear that led to an overwhelming compulsion to control. If I didn't control the situation by mulling over and analysing every possible outcome and how to manipulate it, then how could I be sure I'd get what I want?! There was no trust. Not in myself, not in others, and not in the Universe.

That inner fight, the power struggle between what I felt and what I thought, coupled with an complete lack of trust and need for control, kept me bound to a vicious pattern that I repeated for over 30 years. It destroyed every type of relationship possible: familial, vocational, romantic and friendship. Over time I began to think of myself as toxic, unloveable; broken. My coping mechanism became adopting a gypsy lifestyle, never staying in one place for too long, never letting anyone too close. BLEAK.

Of course, all of this completely eluded me at the time..... Oh, the gift of hindsight and confronting our own bullshit! Welcome to the adventure! 

For those who pathological suppress emotions, it's difficult to even realise that's what we're doing.

Part 2 - Nothing is Ever as Simple as it Seems

At the beginning of my journey I read all types of personal development books and thought I finally saw the bigger emotional picture; understanding the relationship between thoughts, emotions and actions on both a spiritual and psychological basis. Things were going so well that I all but forgot about the two voices and the torment I had experienced throughout my life. It's astonishing how quickly those types of things fade, and how rapidly our daily realities can change.

Until one day when I felt an odd sensation as if there was something I had to do. An intuitive compulsion to make a phone call, the thought of which made my brain say "Hell no! I'm not doing that!" All day, that unrelenting sensation. I was nervous and sweaty, my heart pounded, I even felt sick. It was as though my body already knew what would happen. At 6pm, a time I knew to be ideal from nearly two years of living with this extremely regimented person, I picked up the phone and dialled the number I remembered despite over a year of separation. I watched my fingers press the digits as though they belonged to someone else. Panicking a bit, I wondered what the shit I would say. But I knew, I had figured it out months ago, what I would say if I ever spoke to him again. He answered, saying hello and mentioning something about it being a nice surprise. I hesitated a bit then said "Hi! I learned how to flair my nostrils." Laughter, exactly what I expected. With one silly sentence I diffused a potentially difficult conversation, making it safe by addressing an intimate source of amusement we shared during our time together. All fear melted away and we had an easy, amiable and authentically pleasant conversation. The only thing I felt while talking to him was honest caring and interest in what he had been doing over the last year. I had no agenda, no interest in talking about what happened, why he had left me or the nearly paralysing pain I experienced afterward. In truth, I had called for reasons I didn't fully comprehend.

After hanging up I felt extremely proud of myself. How emotionally intelligent! I had held, and even enjoyed, a conversation that I never thought I'd be strong enough to execute without tears. I got on with my usual routine of cooking dinner, getting my running gear ready and puttering around my room. My super analytical brain started doing what it loves to do, dismantling and rearranging the conversation and looking for hidden messages. Before I knew it I was experiencing new emotions, mainly anger as I constructed false realities about what was, and was not, said and meant. Whoah, wait, wasn't I fine just a moment ago? What the hell happened? Where were these feelings coming from? Voices of ghosts. Ghosts that told me I was never good enough for him, that I was broken, that he never really loved me, that he is happier without me, and all the other hurtful things that he never actually said but I subconsciously believed. Those self-inflicted sentiments inspiring anger, anger needed to defend my budding sense of self worth. Ironically however, the person I was defending myself against was no one other than me; pain brought on by that damned voice. What a beautiful example of how I think myself into emotional pain.

A few days later, during one of my daily runs, the lightbulb came on in a flash so bright that I was literally blinded. That pause, holy shit, that pause between when we spoke and when I starting thinking about the conversation! I finally understood the true origin of the two voices! The first one borne of my innate intuitive emotions. Pure feeling, compassionate and wise. The other, what I think I should feel based on previous experience, my past and conditioning so deeply engrained I've never been cognisant of its influence over my emotions.

Prior to the epiphany that resulted from that fateful phone call, these dichotomous emotions seemed to arrive at the same time. I would become horribly confused and tear myself apart trying to decide which was real. How could I have realised that subconscious thoughts and voices of ghosts from my past were tricking me into feeling and behaving in ways that didn't serve me, keeping me in that vicious cycle. Indeed, I've dedicated an entire article to unpacking just how dangerous Listening to Ghosts can be to our sense of Self, Worth and esteem (links coming soonish). Now, I've begun to insert that pause. A pause that enables me to distinguish how I genuinely feel from how I think I should feel. These words are bolded as they are clues that we're selling out our authentic emotions for what our Human brains and/or society thinks we should feel, which are likely not real. 

The total sum of this article is to proclaim, and urge everyone inside my influence, that the optimal way to shift towards a more emotionally intelligent life includes:

1. Observe How We Feel - Paying attention to inner dialogue that uses think and/or should.
2. Be Willing to Learn From Emotions - If we're pissed, be pissed! All emotions have a purpose, even those that come from subconscious thoughts. It's a great way to learn about our triggers and the conditioning that led to them. For example, my Father bought me Goosebumps books for doing the dishes when I was young, and to this day I love doing the dishes because something insides me thinks I deserve a treat for my efforts.
3. Learn How to Support Ourselves Through Emotional Discomfort -  This is all about self regulation and managing our needs so our emotions aren't suppressed and eventually come spewing out at inopportune times. Like the countless times I've burst into tears in front of the wrong people.
4. Realise that Feeling Emotion Does Not Mean Expressing Emotion - FFS, if we're not sure how we feel, let's all agree to keep our traps shut until we can practice Step 4 and self-govern. Perhaps if more Humans did this, we'd stop shitting on one another to make ourselves feel better.