My primary resolution for 2015 is to coax myself out of my addiction to control, and all the nasty shit that comes along with that obsession such as excessive meal planning, calorie counting, fanatical exercise, extreme financial frugality, etc. In short, all the petty things in my life that bring me false comfort. I've known for a long time now that I have no real control; what others say, do or feel, and whether or not a I get hit by a jet engine that feel out of the sky. Even still, I micromanage my life to feel the relief it yields. This trivial control, however, is a double-edged sword. On a conscious level it allows me to think I'm my own master; that no one and nothing can truly affect me. On a subconscious level, this obsession drives me mad and promotes the continual release of adrenalin and other stress hormones which push me to the edge of constant panic. I'm so set on my plans that any deviation also causes stress; double whammy! The result of all this is social withdrawal, emotional and physical exhaustion and self loathing. A succinct recipe for unhappiness, and I've had enough; but how to let go of such steadfast habits?
Today my typical schedule of Workout-Dinner-Food Prep-Lunch-Clean-German Lesson-Breakfast-Mediation-Read-Snack-Bed was upset by an early afternoon Dentist appointment, and since my workout did not come first, my entire night threatened to fall to ruin. I intended to workout after Dinner, but I did not feel very enthusiastic about that and decided to take the night off. Thinking of my new resolution, I attempted to 'go with the flow' and follow my natural inclinations. I took a bath and then felt like a nap, my Mind fretting over my atypical cascade of events all the while. Fussing over when I'd take my meals, how many calories I'd eat and what I should do in between. When I woke from my nap I had an idea, an experiment that might allow me to let go of some iota of control. I felt I should go to the gym, out of sheer habit no doubt, but also felt like a night off could do just as well. Instead of dwelling over these choices and making myself loony as I usually do, I downloaded an app that mimics a Magic 8 Ball and would make the decision for me. I asked "Should I workout?" and it said "Absolutely," so I downed a protein bar and off I went for a nice jaunt on treadmill. I immediately appreciated the simplicity of giving control over to this random computer algorithm. Since I had committed to do what it said, I felt real relief when it answered and my fretting was laid to rest.
Now, I hope its clear that I'm not going to consult my phone regarding critical life choices, but yielding control of the many, many, bits of trifling shit I constantly worry about promises more reprieve than I've known for quite awhile. For example, on my short walk home from the YMCA I asked the app "Should I restrict calories?" since I thought I had perhaps eaten more than I needed yesterday (thanks ED), and it's just reply was "Not likely." I agreed with a smile on my face and solace in my Heart.
Despite my little experiment with the 8 Ball, I think it's worth saying that the only real control Humans have involve their own decisions. Make a decision, the best One can given the information at hand, and stick to it. Afterwards I, for one, resolve to take responsibility for my choice and deal with the consequences, either good or bad. I feel no regret because I made the choice with true intention and honesty. This did not happen overnight, however, like all skills it took a great deal of practice but I'm better off for this alteration in my way of thinking.
Though happiness may come from many sources, I believe one of the purist and robust originates from spontaneous joy. Those precious moments that originate from sudden decisions that are often outside of One's comfort zone. For me this occurs when I travel, which is why I'm committing my life to that endeavor. A chance meeting, a fallen branch forcing me to take a different route, a critter or flower I've never seen before, a restaurant suggestion from a stranger, missing a train; each leads to exciting adventures that could not exist when the Mind of the planner is too rigid. True, some could turn out to be disastrous, but there's a satisfaction in that as well. I've never felt more capable and proud as when I've navigated my way through a sticky situation, based on my own good common sense and ability to keep myself alive.
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