Thought of the Day 2/28/13: Optimism Reminder

While walking Charlie this morning I slipped on ice and fell straight onto my right ass-cheek.  I'm talking about the classic, epic, ice slip.  Everyone is familiar with this move; one of your legs flies into the air higher than you could ever lift it intentionally, higher even than you thought physically possible.  I actually fell so hard that I had to lie on the ground a moment to collect myself, Charlie looked back at me confused.

As I picked myself off the ground I was fighting back tears, and I realized that from childhood into adulthood all humans experience the 'boo-boo' mentality that makes us crave comfort when we get hurt, regardless of the amount of pain we feel.  We usually seek this comfort by crying in hopes someone will come to our rescue; a hard habit to kick.  With tears in my eyes, I saw that the only one there to lend me comfort was Charlie, who thought my fall was an attempt at playing so he was hopping about and barking happily; silly dog.  Then, I envisioned what my monumental fall must have looked like from someone else's perspective, and immediately burst into fits of laughter; all while holding my sore ass on the limp home.  I must have looked and sounded like a lunatic.

Interesting Note Regarding the 'Boo-Boo' Mentality: In my experience, children only cry when you worriedly ask "Are you ok?" in a whinny high-pitched 'Mom' voice.  Lots of times my nieces and nephew have fallen or otherwise injured themselves, but instead of reacting in that way I laughed and proclaimed "Nice digger!"  In lieu of crying, they laugh along with me and scamper off to pursue other dangerous endeavors.  If you don't let them think they should be feeling pain, they miraculously won't.  The placebo effect of 'kissing the boo-boo' is another quick-fix in that regard, though this is more difficult to pull off with adults; instead try distracting them with booze, food and/or sex.

In summation, upon reflection of my mishap I decided that I was grateful for two things:

1. I worked my buns really hard during yesterday morning's Piloga session with my co-worker, so my gluts were already sore and injured, meaning my fall was unlikely to inflict further damage. 
2. I'm a generally optimistic person who seeks humor, not sympathy. This is the pivotal difference between allowing the fall to ruin my entire day and taking my pissy attitude out on anyone who crosses my path today, versus allowing it to become a personal lesson in ice navigation and an investigation into the ubiquitous 'boo-boo' psyche.  

Thought of the Day 2/21/2013: Snow Beasts and Big Feet

After experiencing my first significant Kansas blizzard, I have one question and two things of which I am exceedingly proud:

Question - Under what mindset is it logical to plow snow to the middle of the street?  

This isn't theoretical.  In McPherson it seems the norm to plow the snow such that it builds-up in the middle of the street, making left-hand turns impossible until you get to a major intersection.  I feel like I'm driving along a secluded snow mountain and Bumbles might jump from behind one any moment to smash my car!

Everybody's favorite snow beast, Bumbles!

Prideful Point #1 - My Tiny, Kick-Ass, Snow Beast of a Chevy Aveo

I bought my Chevy Aveo brand new with only 9 miles on it in January 2006, we've shared every mile since at an astounding average of 42 miles/gallon.  Now I think the best part is that my car continues to surprise me by proving itself a bona-fide snow beast.  It's survived Rochester, NY lake effect snow, Denver, CO '6-inches-at-a-time' snowfall, and now McPherson, KS wind-whipping blizzard; handling each like a rockstar, it's never left me hopelessly stuck or stranded, though I see 'better' cars stuck all the time.  I attribute 70% of it's abilities to it having a standard transmission, effectively giving myself credit by knowing when to administer more power.  Anyway, thank you little car.

Prideful Point #2 - My Abnormally Large Feet

Instead of spending $30 at Wal-Mart for their last shovel, I decided to figure something else out.  I came home and being pissed about having to shovel my walk without a shovel, I began to kick the snow.  Charlie thought I was playing with him and started running laps back and forth from the neighbors house to me along the walk.  After 5 minutes of 'playing' I glanced behind me and marveled at the clear path we had made.  I then realized that because my feet were the same size as Shaquille O'Neal's, if I alternately swept each side-to-side I created a wider path than an actual shovel.  Charlie and I continued our work and were done in 20 minutes flat; take that snow shovel gougers! 

Thought of the Day 2/18/2013: The Optimistic Grim Reaper

Not to sound insensitive, but there's nothing like the sudden death of an acquaintance to knock us of our 'ho-hum-life' pedestals and leave us quacking in our 'holy-shit' boots.  Left clutching our lonely concept of mortality, we instantly realize that, 'poof', one day it'll all be over; we will physically cease to exist in this life, leaving behind the culmination of our social and material lives.  Logically, the next thoughts settle upon two almighty questions, which are always the bulk of my focus: "Who will notice or otherwise give a shit when I'm no longer around?" and more importantly, "How will I be remembered?"

These questions can be both extremely beneficial and detrimental depending on one's personal outlook, positive or negative, respectively. A positive person would use this as motivation to continually improve themselves, work towards their personal goals, explore and refine their spirituality and generally leave a positive impact.  All this despite seemingly meager personal accomplishments with respects to social status, wealth and other worldly measures of success.  When your dead, these types of accomplishments will mean surprisingly little unless you achieved world peace or invented the internet.  Despite a myriad of other faults, I consider myself a steadfast member of this court and have thus realized my own, simple, remembrance wish-list; I want people to remember that I always had a smile on my face and a happy greeting to offer, even it it was obvious that I was faking it.  I want to make people laugh, in death as well as in life.

Okay, let's take a turn to negativity town because my next point is of critical importance though it may seem harsh on its surface.  Negative people consider these same questions and think: "No one would notice," and "No one would care," or still worse, "People would be happier and/or better off if I was dead."  Many a suicidal note have indicated these very thoughts to be the motivating factors behind the action.  Now, let me be rightly understood, these destructive ideas are nothing short of irrational self-victimization.  If you truly believe these things seek therapy immediately, because to think you can live and function in this world without leaving any type of footprint is completely insane.  Hell, if you're that negative, you've likely left your nasty footprints all over the faces of everyone around you; sure to leave in impression!  Seriously though, guests on Jerry Springer have proven, time and again, that someone will be bat-shit crazy enough to love you and experience a gapping hole in your absence regardless of your unique level of negative and/or combative asshole-ness.  Someone will miss you when you die, or at the very least wonder where you've gone.  And here's the very best part: It's NEVER too late to change!  Why just think of Scrooge!

So, think positive and consider these two points which will hopefully lift your spirits, in an attempt to prepare them for their ultimate fall into whatever abyss you associate with death:

1. People You Don't Even Know Will Miss You or At Least Realize You're Gone
Aside from friends, family and various loved ones and acquaintances, people leave an impression everywhere they go without realizing it.  People you see everyday, but may never speak to or learn their name, will notice when you've left this earth.  The cashier at Wal-mart, co-workers in a huge plant, people you met on vacation, childhood friends, fellow cardio-junkies at the gym, and individuals that share your taste in music and/or movies you've seen at concerts/movies.  Each of them have thought about you without you being the wiser.  Just a you know faces who have no name or personality beyond that which you've assigned to them; others have thought the same of you.  Just think, to some random person out there, you were the person who picked their wedgie in the mall that day.

2. The Memory That Will Survive You is Likely Already Set in the Minds of Others
Contemplate anyone in your life (friend, family, random acquaintance) and imagine if they were to suddenly die [insert amusingly random reason]; how would you remember them?  I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you already have a specific memory and/or association in mind, and unless something drastic happens to change it that memory will follow them to their actual grave.  For example, hands-down the most intelligent man in Plessis, NY and a good friend of my mother's left this world last Saturday night, Bob Cheeseman.  But before I had even heard the news, I knew exactly how I'd always remember Bob alive or dead: Cribbage and Busch beer in a can, with a glass.  Also, my  oldest sister, Amanda, died at 25 years old.  Though she plagued the family with lying, and alcohol and drug abuse, I will always remember her as the 12 year old girl who first pushed me out of the Pizza Hut booth onto the floor consequently tripping a waitress, and later face-planting me into a snow bank, during a particularly raucous night out.  All for grabbing her boob and proclaiming "Honk, Honk!"  Once she died her negative actions became irrelevant; I will always think of her fondly and miss her dearly.  Know that all loved ones make these same allowances, kind of like Jesus.

Lastly, if you suspect you won't like the memory that people identify with you, ask them.  If you're right, do something insane and spontaneous to change it.  When in doubt, shit yourself in public in front of them.  Not only is it hilarious, but nobody forgets an "I shit myself" story!

Thought of the Day 2/17/2013: Child Rearing

Every woman faced with infertility seeks a spiritual explanation which allows them to come to peace with this apparent ineptitude.  Evolutionarily, woman have but one function, propagate the human species.  Without this capability, all women will feel some degree of uselessness whether they acknowledge it or not.  Sometimes obvious and sometimes elusive, this inadequacy can cause significant depression and anxiety; even within women who never 'thought' they wanted to have kids regardless of fertility potential.

For myself, I was always on the fence about children.  When my issues came to light, a unique combination of early menopause induced by both genetics and severe dieting as well as a partial cervical removal due to early stage cancer, I felt an odd combination of relief and longing.  I accept that I am a selfish being, having a schedule and life-agenda that when altered in any way makes me quite emotionally sensitive.  Furthermore, though I love my parents too much to go into detail, I refuse to bring children into the world unless I know I can commit 100% of myself to them without making them feel as if they were an imposition on my life; a task I've never felt equal too.  Nevertheless, I felt a God-given choice had been taken from me unfairly, but I remained thankful that my particular issues related to the inability to conceive.  For those stricken with multiple miscarriages, I will not pretend to understand the immense pain you suffer.

I share this not to seek sympathy, which I certainly do not deserve, but to highlight the epiphany that brings the peace I referred to earlier.  Quite simply, the only child God meant for me to raise and love in this life is Me.    This realization not only put the infertility demons at bay, but allowed me to love, accept and forgive myself in a way I did not think possible due to a highly critical, ego-centric, Mind.  I've experienced a higher level of emotional stability and overall happiness every day since.  Furthermore, to all the mothers out there I suggest this, love and accept yourself as much as you love and accept your children; you deserve it every bit as much as they need it.

Thought of the Day 2/16/2013: Get a Grip Bruised-Cruisers

Ok, I will full-heartedly admit that being stuck on a confined ship with limited food and access to running water, and amidst overwhelmingly unhygienic conditions, would suck; but I still think some of these people are taking it way too far.

Despite being compensated for their misfortunes, these people continue to play the world's tiniest violin and fancy themselves victimized by Carnival cruise lines.  To put thing into perspective, I'd like them to consider the following points in hopes they can pull their heads out of their asses, build a bridge, and get over it:

• I doubt that Carnival intentionally deployed a ship with a faulty engine; nor did they intentionally set fire to the engine or otherwise directly cause the mishap.
• At least they weren't one of the crew members that had to clean up everybody's piss and shit, and hear endless complaining and bitching about the situation; in some cases being directly blamed for the significant suffering of everyone on board.
• Most importantly, BILLIONS of people live in the same and significantly worse conditions EVERYDAY (instead of only 7), with extremely unlikely chances of their circumstances improving over the course of their lives.  Their loved ones are in the shit with them, they cannot hop in their cars and drive twelve love-inspired hours to rescue them or otherwise rely on the modern conveniences, such as free flights home, that being Americans affords us.

In short, get a fucking grip and be thankful that you can spend the money to take a vacation, even if it goes frighteningly awry.

My Mom and I went on a fantastic Caribbean booze-cruise upon the Carnival Glory. 

Thought of the Day 2/6/2013: Healthy Cannibal

I had a surprising epiphany today which led to one, still more surprising, conclusion: Were I to find myself in a 'Survival' situation without food and/or water, not only would I be devastatingly unprepared to physically handle the situation but I would, without a doubt, be the first to resort to cannibalism.

This surprised me because I fancy myself to be ridiculously in shape; I exercise for 50 minutes 6 days a week, drink at least 2.5 liters of water a day and eat carefully formulated ratios of Fat:Carbohydrate:Protein every 3-4 hours in calorically appropriate packets.  One might therefore assume that I'd be the most fit to survive based on this fitness profile.  Not so.  It became clear to me that the very habits that keep me in peak physical condition are actually my crux.

The source of this clarity: I attended a 2 hour seminar today, during which I'd have to listen to lecturers without the ability to conveniently grab a snack out of my desk or take a drink at my leisure.  Worst of all, I had to sit completely still for 2 whole hours; the horror!  Two hours of stillness without food and water was enough to push me to near panic attack levels of irrational fear; what if I started shaking from low blood sugar? get dry mouth? restless leg syndrome? get cold or an epic case of the sore heiny?

The lightbulb went on and I almost immediately rejoiced in the hilarious irony.  To work so hard for health to be bested by my own good habits; beautiful!  It seemed fairly obvious to me that someone who goes long periods of time without eating or drinking water (coffee and soda are not water) would be grossly more adapted to withstand the necessary fasting periods during survival mode.  There is only one caveat that remains a question: Though the first day would be very difficult for me, would I adapt more quickly and eventually be able to last longer, overall, because of my superior health state? It's a short-term vs. long-term conundrum that I don't know the answer too, but it's fun to think about.  Either way, and I'm not kidding in the least; I'm feasting on some tasty quadricep at the first sign of another's weakness.  Yum!

The Year of the Filter

For someone as self-serving as an experiential blog writer, sometimes I sincerely wish I could just shut the hell up.  As far back as I can remember my mouth has been on ramble-mode and getting me into trouble; people listen with delighted shock and/or horror as I continuously say off-the-wall shit.  In a professional setting this mostly works in my favor as I easily convey passion regarding my projects and career ambitions, but it also makes me a liability for Human Resources.  I talk about everything; first dates and new friends quickly find that, with me, there is no such thing as awkward silence because I don't stop talking long enough for such a thing as momentary quiet to exist.  During my childhood, in the interest of preserving friendships, I abided by a 'mute' button my friends drew on the back of my hand and pressed when they needed a break.  Now, I simply tell potential friends that to deal with me they must learn to do one of two things: One, learn to tell me to be quiet, or two, flat-out ignore my incessant chatter or otherwise learn to block it out.

I've often contemplated the origin of this personality quirk, and after thorough consideration I've decided its a delicate combination of my sense of humor, false sense of entitlement, loving the sound of my own voice, and most importantly, a complete lack of any type of social filter.  I'd think before I speak except 99.9% of the time crap flies out of my mouth before I have any notion of its being there, and I end up being as shocked by what I've said as everyone else.  This, after 28 years, has become enough of an issue that I'm committing this year to the instillation of at least a Grade B, baseline, filter.

At first I had an elaborate article planned to detail why I so desperately want said filter, and how a lifetime of getting attention by being ridiculous has led to a personal identification with this trait, but after three months and many false-starts I was no closer to coming up with a solution for installing this filter.  In practice my attempts have been half-hearted at best.  Even when I do rock a filter moment I usually proclaim my victory, therefore highlighting that I was going to say something incongruous and thus negating any headway made toward professionalism.  In fact I journaled about this very issue last night, frustrated with my lack of will to finish the article.  Then, miraculously, not two hours later while reading before bed I absorbed one mind-blowing sentence.  It will not only assist me with filtering, but also validates the fundamental principles that affected my transformation over a year ago.  It comes from a book that I began reading simply because I decided to join a book club and this was the book assigned; I have zero preference for what books I read but "The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie" by Alan Bradley fatefully produced these contents:

When you want something, bite your tongue.

So simple! So obvious! So much so that I'm certain people will suspect I've lost my mind in thinking this one sentence can, and will, inspire my life's next big change; allow me to explain.

It is in the essence of human nature to 'want.'  We are here, we want to be there; we are bored, we want to be entertained; we are poor, we want to be rich; we are cold, we want to be warm; etc, etc.  Hardly one moment will lapse when someone will not think about what they want.  It follows that one of the most critical turning points during my transformation was ridding my mind of this horrible habit.  The first real progress I made towards inner happiness and peace arose when I stopped thinking about what I wanted, and focused instead on accepting what I have.  I'm still far from perfect, however, and it requires daily, shit even hourly, practice to tame this wanting beast in my head.

Assuming that people live in a state of eternal wanting, the next logical assumption taken from the above statement dictates that there will also always be a reason to bit your tongue.  This concept inspired my jubilation as I speak solely because I want various things; to convey professionalism at work, to ask a question, to be funny, to be bitchy and/or alleviate frustration, to share enthusiasm, to inspire and/or manipulate the emotions of others, etc.  The key here is Motive; the projection of either negative or positive energy in the form of emotions.  For example, when feeling happy we will say happy things to create a positive atmosphere; when we feel like shit, we say shitty things to bring the collective energy down.

Along with my transformation, I made a personal vow to transmit only positive energy.  It is my sincerest life's ambition to take full responsibility for my words, actions and emotions, relieve my negative emotions in a way that minimizes collateral damage, and present everyone I see with a smile and positive, well-wishing, energy.  It's constant and exhausting work, and I often f*#! it up royally; but it's the most profound happiness I've ever experienced.  Additionally, this practice has gotten me as near to complete self-acceptance as I've ever achieved with one exception; my lack of social filter.  My words continue to pump negativity into my surroundings, though my intentions never tend in that direction.  Without a filter, I can't be sure that my true motives are being accurately conveyed since my wild-card mouth doesn't allow the instant of thought required to formulate the meaning.  Sure, most of the time people understand I'm being funny and/or wish to help them in some way, but for those who don't get the joke I come across as over-critical, tactless or just plain mean, which doesn't exactly inspire positive emotions.

In short, I will install a filter that is driven by my wish to create positivity in all aspects of my life and environment.  I want to convey my honest, intelligent, humorous, analytical, if not compassionate, personality; and when I'm ready to commit to this want, I will slowly learn to bit my tongue until I can figure out how to speak without inadvertent negativity.  Mostly, however, I want this above all things so that I don't have a sexual harassment complaint filed against me at work, again.

Balance Diet, Balanced Life

The essential key to any diet is equivalent to the secret of a happy life; balance.  While there is less of an existential approach to figuring out how best to feed your body, the underlying principles are the same.  Every meal and snack should consist of some combination of Protein, Carbohydrates/Starch, Fruit, Vegetables, Dairy and Fat; focusing more of those groups that your own body and lifestyle require.  For example, if you wish to build muscle you should lean more heavily on protein, while cardio junkies need a lot of starch and fruit to power their activity, and if your particular sport is channel-surfing you should focus on a modest intake of each.    

This knowledge comes from my training as a cellular biologist and personal experience as someone who has lost 125 pounds, maintaining that loss for four years.  At 23 years old, I was 5’3 and 250 pounds, an inactive carb-o-holic with Type II diabetes and ate Chipotle burritos as a snack.   Then, at 130 pounds, I excessively exercised and starved my body of the nutrients it needed to sustain the activity, suffering severe physical and mental repercussions along the way; having your hair fall out is a serious wake-up call.  Now, at 27 years old and 125 pounds, I live by way of common sense, striking the balance of the foods I choose to fuel my body and maintain a healthy lifestyle.  All diets out there, however, seem to focus heavily on one component or the other and suggest certain foods should be avoided all together; but this is only true if you have specific dietary restrictions that affect your overall health, such as Crohn’s disease.  Here are some tips I found helpful while determining how best to eat a balanced life.

Do Not Trust Carb-Haters

The simple solution to carbohydrate intake is portion control.  Starch or Carbohydrates are long chains of simple sugars which serve as the primary source of fuel for the brain.  In fact, a common technology used to identify tumors in the body, known as PET scans, cannot be used to locate brain tumors since the method identifies cells that absorb increased amounts of sugar; the entire brain lights up!  Without adequate sugar supplies the brain becomes lethargic, diminishing cognitive function and severely impairing the sleep cycle.  Besides, it makes you downright miserable. Have you ever tried to function when you can’t think or sleep and you feel like you have no energy?  Even if you had the energy you would likely use it to snap at someone for a piece of chocolate.  Trust me, it is far more beneficial to have your cake and eat it too, just make it a small piece of cake.

The main sources of starch are wheat (flour), corn, potatoes, rice and beans.  Each have a unique portfolio of a fat : carbohydrate : protein ratio, but there is a general guide for all carbs.  For example, the typical nutrition facts for pasta are:

Serving Size	2 oz
Total Calories	200
Fat	1 g
Cholesterol	0 mg
Sodium	0 mg
Carbohydrate	42 g
Protein	7 g

There is certainly nothing wrong with these numbers, but notice that one serving is 2 oz and that is far less than your brain would like to ingest, especially when it’s covered in a buttery alfredo sauce.  Though these numbers may vary from multi-grain, whole wheat and homemade pastas, the fluctuations are modest and make no difference to your body on a grand scale.  Pasta is also an ample source of iron, folate and the essential B vitamins thiamin, riboflavin and niacin, which are critical for sustaining metabolism and energy levels.  Potatoes show a similar trend, but they have more starch, less protein and no fat.  The story gets a bit more complicated when choosing breads as they fluctuate drastically depending on brand and the underlying starch source.  Let the nutrition facts guide, along with your common sense, to make the right choices for your unique needs. 

The real nature of the carb-beast lies in portioning and our tendency to ‘double-up’ at meal times; pancakes with hashbrowns, italian bread with pasta, potatoes with corn-on-the-cob are all examples of classic carbohydrate redundancies.  If you enjoy these combinations simply be conscious of the gastronomical duplication and cut back the portion sizes of each to ingest one total serving per meal.

Fat means Friend

Fat was the most difficult food group for me to allow back into my life.  Superficially I thought, “I just got rid of all that fat, why would I purposefully put more into my body?”  The cold-hard fact is that fat is essential to every organ and system in the human body, from normal nerve conduction within the brain and body to heart and liver function.  On the cellular level, every single cell is surrounded by a dual layer of phospholipids, composed mostly of fatty acid chains derived from the fat in our diet.  Without this vital structure, cells could not maintain the chemical and electrical gradients that drive all higher bodily operations, such as the synthesis of DNA, maintaining a steady heart beat and the ability of the brain to tell the hand to change the TV channel.

In short, fat is your friend.  Focus on eating nutritionally valuable forms of fat like olive oil, fatty fish such as salmon, seeds and nuts.  The fat used to deep fry french fries does not count and should be eaten only on rare occasions, sorry.  

Do the Math

I have great news, if you can add from 1,500 to 3,000 you can reach whatever weight-oriented goal you have set!  Whether you want to lose, maintain or gain weight, all you need to do is check your daily caloric intake against your daily caloric expenditure.  Want to lose weight?  Be sure to take in 500 calories less than you burn every day on average; the opposite is true for gaining weight.  It gets better, it turns out that what you choose to eat doesn’t matter so long as the numbers add up.  This is a scientific fact, and one nutrition professor went to an extreme to illustrate the point by developing a “TwinkieDiet.”  Though he ate nothing but Twinkies and other similarly unhealthy snacking items, he still lost weight by creating a 500 calorie deficit in his daily eating regimen. 

This initially may sound like a good idea, but can you imagine what you would feel like eating nothing but Twinkies?  The true benefit to practicing a balanced diet and promoting a healthy lifestyle is that it actually creates a notable shift in how you think and feel, from lethargy and aggravation to an energetic and more optimistic demeanor.  If you don’t believe me, prove me wrong.  

Other critical factors to consider: Never eat freely from a box or bag and use extreme caution when dining out.  We have all found our way to the bottom of a bag of chips far too quickly, and that pasta dish you ordered is not the issue; it is the excess pasta, fat and salt that you did not realize came with the order. 

Nothing in excess is healthy; this is true in all areas of life, but thankfully balancing your diet is easier.  Moderate your intake of any particular energy source and hold yourself accountable.  It helps to keep a daily eating log to track of your typical eating patterns.  Once these habits are identified, you can create a plan to bring your diet into balance.  Your body will naturally call you into such a balance if you learn to listen.  Have you ever felt like you simply wanted a salad? Probably not, but it’s a feeling or thought you get when you look over the menu.   Your brain says ‘that sounds yummy!’ but your body states ‘if you order that I’m going to make you regret it’, you may even hear some rumblings.  Additionally, it’s ok to give into cravings as they are the natural expression of the body’s needs.  Your body does not need an entire pizza, however, just a slice to satiate the craving.

Enjoy!