I've often contemplated the origin of this personality quirk, and after thorough consideration I've decided its a delicate combination of my sense of humor, false sense of entitlement, loving the sound of my own voice, and most importantly, a complete lack of any type of social filter. I'd think before I speak except 99.9% of the time crap flies out of my mouth before I have any notion of its being there, and I end up being as shocked by what I've said as everyone else. This, after 28 years, has become enough of an issue that I'm committing this year to the instillation of at least a Grade B, baseline, filter.
At first I had an elaborate article planned to detail why I so desperately want said filter, and how a lifetime of getting attention by being ridiculous has led to a personal identification with this trait, but after three months and many false-starts I was no closer to coming up with a solution for installing this filter. In practice my attempts have been half-hearted at best. Even when I do rock a filter moment I usually proclaim my victory, therefore highlighting that I was going to say something incongruous and thus negating any headway made toward professionalism. In fact I journaled about this very issue last night, frustrated with my lack of will to finish the article. Then, miraculously, not two hours later while reading before bed I absorbed one mind-blowing sentence. It will not only assist me with filtering, but also validates the fundamental principles that affected my transformation over a year ago. It comes from a book that I began reading simply because I decided to join a book club and this was the book assigned; I have zero preference for what books I read but "The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie" by Alan Bradley fatefully produced these contents:
When you want something, bite your tongue.
So simple! So obvious! So much so that I'm certain people will suspect I've lost my mind in thinking this one sentence can, and will, inspire my life's next big change; allow me to explain.
It is in the essence of human nature to 'want.' We are here, we want to be there; we are bored, we want to be entertained; we are poor, we want to be rich; we are cold, we want to be warm; etc, etc. Hardly one moment will lapse when someone will not think about what they want. It follows that one of the most critical turning points during my transformation was ridding my mind of this horrible habit. The first real progress I made towards inner happiness and peace arose when I stopped thinking about what I wanted, and focused instead on accepting what I have. I'm still far from perfect, however, and it requires daily, shit even hourly, practice to tame this wanting beast in my head.
Assuming that people live in a state of eternal wanting, the next logical assumption taken from the above statement dictates that there will also always be a reason to bit your tongue. This concept inspired my jubilation as I speak solely because I want various things; to convey professionalism at work, to ask a question, to be funny, to be bitchy and/or alleviate frustration, to share enthusiasm, to inspire and/or manipulate the emotions of others, etc. The key here is Motive; the projection of either negative or positive energy in the form of emotions. For example, when feeling happy we will say happy things to create a positive atmosphere; when we feel like shit, we say shitty things to bring the collective energy down.
Along with my transformation, I made a personal vow to transmit only positive energy. It is my sincerest life's ambition to take full responsibility for my words, actions and emotions, relieve my negative emotions in a way that minimizes collateral damage, and present everyone I see with a smile and positive, well-wishing, energy. It's constant and exhausting work, and I often f*#! it up royally; but it's the most profound happiness I've ever experienced. Additionally, this practice has gotten me as near to complete self-acceptance as I've ever achieved with one exception; my lack of social filter. My words continue to pump negativity into my surroundings, though my intentions never tend in that direction. Without a filter, I can't be sure that my true motives are being accurately conveyed since my wild-card mouth doesn't allow the instant of thought required to formulate the meaning. Sure, most of the time people understand I'm being funny and/or wish to help them in some way, but for those who don't get the joke I come across as over-critical, tactless or just plain mean, which doesn't exactly inspire positive emotions.
In short, I will install a filter that is driven by my wish to create positivity in all aspects of my life and environment. I want to convey my honest, intelligent, humorous, analytical, if not compassionate, personality; and when I'm ready to commit to this want, I will slowly learn to bit my tongue until I can figure out how to speak without inadvertent negativity. Mostly, however, I want this above all things so that I don't have a sexual harassment complaint filed against me at work, again.
Personal opinion: 1) I commend your efforts. 2) like so many other things, in most cases at least, talking is just a habit. 3) To break the habit one needs to draw one's own attention to when one is exercising it. For instance: Get one of those tooth-whitening trays (or a dental night guard does nicely) and stick it in your mouth. KEEP it there - at least until you start noticing that there are words that would fall out of your mouth if the tray weren't in there. 4) I credit you with knowing what to do following self-awareness.
ReplyDeleteOTOH: Try whatever else you come up with!
Best wishes in your efforts.
Cop Car