The following statement came to me during my morning run:
"I can't have now what I may not need later in a time that doesn't yet exist."
What the hell is that supposed to mean and where did it come from?!
Fundamentally it originates from knowing that what I want now is completely irrelevant as it relates to the uncertain future, which is not my current reality, and serves only to cause me anxiety as I stress over what I want now but cannot yet obtain. It takes me out of the present where the rest of 'me' is located, i.e. Body and Soul, and segregating any piece of this trifecta is a sure pathway to anxiety. Dwelling on the past has the same effect, and is equally as pointless since the past no longer exists. Furthermore, when I stop and ask myself, 'Do I have a problem RIGHT NOW, this very instant?' the answer is always no, unless I happen to find myself at a Justin Bieber concert.
Specifically, this thought presented itself because I'm obsessing over having vinyl siding, insulation and new windows put on my new house. I had three contractors bid for the job, and after the first bid came in I inevitably realized that I'm too cash-poor to pull it off anytime soon. Too many maxed out credit cards, odd debts and student loans leave it impossible for me to apply for a personal loan, and I can't apply for a home improvement loan until I actually start paying on my mortgage and build equity. Such is my predicament. To be honest I don't even NEED these upgrades until next winter before I waste another $1,000+ dollars on the gas bill in a house that is kept at an extremely chilly and uncomfortable 65F. But, since I'm me, I want them now dammit! Instant gratification, please and thank you. The difference between want and need is a real bitch, and usually lies between now and later, respectively.
Regardless, this statement snapped my distracted mind back to the present and I meditated on it in the following, comforting, way:
- 'You can't have now what you may not need later' - Pure and simple, I don't have the money or ability to pay for this work on my house, but when the time comes that it's absolutely essential, like next fall, it will very likely 'magically' appear in the form of the exact resources, monetary or otherwise, necessary to get the job done. I don't yet have those resources, nor do I have any control over when they may present themselves; it follows that stressing over it is completely pointless. Money comes precisely when its needed and not a second before, and the form it takes it typically a complete stunner; something you could never have anticipated.
- 'in a time that doesn't yet exist.' - I'm not a fortune teller, there is no way to know what the future holds, that 'reality' is a complete figment of my imagination, nothing more than a day dream; so why worry about it? Would I worry about a day dream in which the easter bunny chases me down, beats me up and steals my Cadbury Eggs? (Yes, actually, I love those things!)
Indeed, obsessing over things one wants but can't afford in the here and now is one of American's favorite past times. In combating this disgusting habit I personally turn to the Serenity Prayer and accept the things I can't control, and focus on what I can do at present to bring that future to me so that it may become a reality one day, and hopefully before next winter. I then implement that plan, like renting my basement to make extra mortgage payments while continuing to pay down debt, and forget about it. I have faith that my plan will work if its supposed to, otherwise there is something else in store for my future that will interfere in a meaningful way, I just can't see it yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment