Suicidal Consumption

Tuesday, 12/10/2013

Although I despise talking about my ‘eating disorder,’ I’m struggling in a fairly humorous way so I thought I’d share my woes.  First I must mentally prepare you for the issue at hand.  Imagine that you used to be fat, like really really fat, like Oprah Winfrey circa 1993 fat.  Next, imagine that you busted your ass for one and a half years to lose 130 pounds but you didn’t implement a contingency plan to start eating normally again, and now you’re left with a paralyzing fear of gaining weight that leads you to err on the side of over-exercising and under-eating when you feel you’ve eaten too much.  Not to mention the horrific mental food guilt you suffer when you do overeat, or sometimes by simply thinking about eating a cupcake.  In summary, you can’t seem to get a grip on the one activity that all Humans must do to survive: Eat.

Now, put that mind-bend in your pocket and pick up these gems to boot.  When you do allow yourself to splurge and have a decent meal, you habitually go completely overboard, eat until you’re uncomfortable, and then have two desserts.  We’re almost there.  Finally, imagine that you get your favorite kind of food, in buffet form, for two straight weeks. 

Drum roll please….

Put all that together and what do you get? An enormous shit sandwich stuffed with a bloated stomach, poorly implemented buffet rules you’ve set for yourself yet consistently amend or break altogether just to get in one more bite, and lastly, extremely sore legs. It’s only been two F*#!ing days.  If I don’t do something to stop this cycle soon my legs are going to fall off and I’m going to look like Jabba the Hutt for multiple reasons.

I had a real scare this morning because I started feeling very sick and nauseous.  At first I thought the food was finally starting to bother my stomach, then I realized that I had rapidly went from eating seven 200-300 calorie meals a day to two 1,000 calorie meals a day with a protein bar for dinner; my stomach simply couldn’t handle the load, it’s being stretched and torn, causing the pain I experienced this morning as I poorly attempted my Yoga practice.  I also suspect I’m eating too much protein since I double up on the stuff to avoid eating fat-promoting carbohydrates.  I avoid them the same way an Orthodox Rabbi avoids eating Ham Hocks wrapped in Bacon served by a Prostitute.  It’s easy to forget, however, how difficult protein is to digest compared to carbs, so I tested my hypothesis at breakfast this morning.  I was feeling shaky, weak and nauseous and was even contemplating telling my boss that I couldn’t go into the site, but I knew she’d be disappointed so I sucked it up, ate some bran flakes mixed with yogurt and water, watermelon, half a piece of chicken sausage and some kind of extremely bland carb cake that I slathered with strawberry jam.  It was touch and go for a while but I started feeling better within the hour, and even got hungry after only four hours so I knew I had moderated effectively. 

But all that hard work was undone at lunch when I discovered Hakka noodles; well, those along with a super spicy pumpkin curry dish.  They looked like Lo Mein, so I thought I’d try that instead of rice, but it’s the Indian version and is superior to its Chinese counterpart in every way.  They’re kept lighter and are not cooked as long so the veggies are crispier and the noodles aren’t so oily.  Anyway, my final plan, which I sincerely hope works, is one plate with no over-lapping where I can see a bit of the plate between each selection. I’ll be honest, it has to work or I may become one of the only people who successfully killed themselves by eating too much. 

Seriously though, the food is amazing, hahahahaha, and I’m probably the only American who has ever traveled to India and still remained chronically constipated. Do I get some kind of trophy for that?