Travel Day 2: Saturday, 6/16/2012

12:30 JFK Airport
I have an hour before I can check-in for the Germany flight.  The fast is going ok, I eat a little every 3 hours or so and am avoiding big meals.  I'm pretty tired but plan to try and sleep the whole 8 hour flight to Berlin via the help of Benadryl and perhaps a drink :)

The flight from DIA to ATL was really bumpy, so I didn't sleep so much as repeat meditative mantras of 'Relax' and 'Trust'; trust mostly pertaining to the ripped arms I observed on the pilot prior to boarding, haha.  I read the Eurail Pass info and feel confident there will be at least aid offices to help me should I need it.  I know damn well I'll be fine, but I will worry as humans do.  Worrying about getting on the wrong train is acceptable, worrying about my next meal is not.  Thems the rules!

It's a damn good thing I can tolerate boredom well these days, cuz waiting for a 17:30 flight would have killed the crazy me.

20:20 (EST) JFK to Berlin
This plane is huge and the food was pretty good; I have all the faith in the world it will sustain me until I get to Stuttgart.  I'm gonna stretch my legs soon, then hopefully sleep.  Everyone is speaking German and I like it because it seems I simply don't have to pay attention, but I need to be careful that I'm not inadvertently ignoring someone whose addressing me.  I watched Hannah Montana while I ate dinner, haha.  We got this kick-ass pack of ear plugs, pillow, blanket, eye mask, travel toothbrush/paste and socks! I'm totally keeping everything! It seems silly to be so amused by these things, but it feels like gifts.  My only disappointment was that there was only Coke Zero (no diet) and no Splenda for coffee - I think I'll survive though.

The guy next to me was reading a German zeitung (newspaper - thanks Rosetta Stone!) and I looked over and saw boobs, haha.  Gotta love it.  Ok, I need to move, then maybe sleep. I talked to Pils [Pilar, old college schoolmate] and she's gonna find me at the airport tomorrow and we're going about.  There's crazy soccer stuff going on in Europe and Germany is playing tomorrow, so we're gonna go watch it somewhere.  I can only imagine the energy of the crowds!

Travel Day 1: Friday, 6/15/2012

23:45 Denver International Airport
How do I like my $3 travel journal from Target?  At DIA waiting for my first of 4 flights to Stuttgart [DIA-JFK-Berlin-Stuttgart].  I'm exhausted and a little drunk after 1 Wake Up Dead with Drew G. at Left Hand.  We are kindred spirits him and I.  I'm ready and excited and my stomach is ready for a half-fast after an amazing dinner of Spicy Jungle Noodles, which was beyond a doubt the best Thai dish I've had to-date.  My pack is, as Jenny would describe, srs ben (serious business), haha, and will serve me well as my constant companion.  Woot.

Travel Journal Introduction

Last June-May I took a 3 week vacation through Germany, Sweden and Denmark.  I realize that though I promised details from the trip I have failed to relate those tales, and I wish to remedy that by recounting my complete travel journal.  It will be published by days and I'll also put links to the relevant pictures I posted on Facebook. [Note that a FB account isn't necessary to view the pictures]

Now, I'll admit that I was, and still am, hesitant to present my travel journal in its raw and unedited form; I had some deeply personal and spiritual experiences during my travels that I do not expect others to approve of or understand.  Regardless, I believe reflecting on them a year later, and indulging in some good old fashioned nostalgia, will help me retrieve some of those emotions that were so powerful and endearing to me during the trip.

Historical background required to understand some of the things that may arise throughout my journal include:

• I'm extremely spiritual, especially during this time period as they occurred at the height of my recent spiritual transformation
• Though its a sore subject with me, I do deal with considerable food-related anxiety; Ok, I have an eating disorder, unconventional though it may be
• This trip was the culmination of a life-long dream to travel abroad, and ended up being a sort of re-birth after a very painful break-up with my first and only boyfriend/fiancé
• I stayed with two friends from University of Rochester that I hadn't seen in a long time, so there's a lot of reminiscing if I remember correctly; otherwise I was alone
• I will not hesitate to save money anyway I can, including urinating outdoors

I haven't read through this journal since writing it almost a year ago, so I'm re-living it as I write.  I may or may not comment on what I said then.  Again, please understand that this is unedited text, read only if you can do so with an open and non-judgemental mind.

Enjoy!

Thought of the Day 3/26/2013: Anxiety and the Future

The following statement came to me during my morning run:

"I can't have now what I may not need later in a time that doesn't yet exist."

What the hell is that supposed to mean and where did it come from?!

Fundamentally it originates from knowing that what I want now is completely irrelevant as it relates to the uncertain future, which is not my current reality, and serves only to cause me anxiety as I stress over what I want now but cannot yet obtain.  It takes me out of the present where the rest of 'me' is located, i.e. Body and Soul, and segregating any piece of this trifecta is a sure pathway to anxiety.  Dwelling on the past has the same effect, and is equally as pointless since the past no longer exists.  Furthermore, when I stop and ask myself, 'Do I have a problem RIGHT NOW, this very instant?' the answer is always no, unless I happen to find myself at a Justin Bieber concert.

Specifically, this thought presented itself because I'm obsessing over having vinyl siding, insulation and new windows put on my new house.  I had three contractors bid for the job, and after the first bid came in I inevitably realized that I'm too cash-poor to pull it off anytime soon.  Too many maxed out credit cards, odd debts and student loans leave it impossible for me to apply for a personal loan, and I can't apply for a home improvement loan until I actually start paying on my mortgage and build equity.  Such is my predicament.  To be honest I don't even NEED these upgrades until next winter before I waste another $1,000+ dollars on the gas bill in a house that is kept at an extremely chilly and uncomfortable 65F. But, since I'm me, I want them now dammit!  Instant gratification, please and thank you. The difference between want and need is a real bitch, and usually lies between now and later, respectively.

Regardless, this statement snapped my distracted mind back to the present and I meditated on it in the following, comforting, way:

1. 'You can't have now what you may not need later' - Pure and simple, I don't have the money or ability to pay for this work on my house, but when the time comes that it's absolutely essential, like next fall, it will very likely 'magically' appear in the form of the exact resources, monetary or otherwise, necessary to get the job done.  I don't yet have those resources, nor do I have any control over when they may present themselves; it follows that stressing over it is completely pointless. Money comes precisely when its needed and not a second before, and the form it takes it typically a complete stunner; something you could never have anticipated.
2. 'in a time that doesn't yet exist.' - I'm not a fortune teller, there is no way to know what the future holds, that 'reality' is a complete figment of my imagination, nothing more than a day dream; so why worry about it?  Would I worry about a day dream in which the easter bunny chases me down, beats me  up and steals my Cadbury Eggs? (Yes, actually, I love those things!)

Indeed, obsessing over things one wants but can't afford in the here and now is one of American's favorite past times.  In combating this disgusting habit I personally turn to the Serenity Prayer and accept the things I can't control, and focus on what I can do at present to bring that future to me so that it may become a reality one day, and hopefully before next winter.  I then implement that plan, like renting my basement to make extra mortgage payments while continuing to pay down debt, and forget about it.  I have faith that my plan will work if its supposed to, otherwise there is something else in store for my future that will interfere in a meaningful way, I just can't see it yet.

Thought of the Day 3/24/2013: Prioritorial Maturation

[Note: I made up the word prioritorial because I couldn't find a real word as aesthetically pleasing for titling this article.  Yes, I can do that.]

Eden, viewed from front.

As of next Friday, March 29th, I will finally own my first home, Eden, whom I've fought hard for as my first attempt to buy it fell through.  Now, as I dream of vinyl siding, new windows, a replacement back door, poured concrete, insulation for the unfinished upper level and lion sentinels for the porch, I find myself marveling at the shift in my financial priorities.  

View of the Park from my Porch.

Just four short years ago I was obsessed with saving for a tummy tuck and boob lift to rid my new body of the 5-7 pounds of scarred skin that will never heal or completely recede.  Plus, if I did the tummy tuck the boob lift would be 20% off; what a deal!  Though historically I've judged plastic surgery as a vain frivolity for rich people, I felt this surgery was necessary to complete my own physical transformation and the want of it drove me to near insanity.  I tried three separate times to collect the funds and schedule the surgery, including maxing out every credit card I had.  The surgery would total about 15K, more than my car cost brand new.  With tear filled eyes, I finally had to admit that it couldn't be done without selling myself to the Russian Mafia.  My marred skin would have stay with me a bit longer.  After this realization I justified moderate to severe amounts of self-inflicted abuse in the form of starvation and overexertion that I blamed on the mental strife inflicted by this skin's presence; a constant reminder of the work left unfinished.

Living Room with French Doors into my Bedroom.

My next big venture, however, slowly drove these thoughts from my mind.  I had met Chris and my focus now shifted to saving for vacations, his Lasik surgery and our eventual wedding.  For the next two and a half years I was too busy financially supporting two people, under the guise of love, to think of how else the money could be spent.  Then the shit hit then fan and instead of a wedding bill I was left with 7K worth of debt that I was dumb enough to put in my name, and that he couldn't pay.  I'm not complaining (though I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm a bit jaded), I am paying and will continue to pay for this first lesson of adult life.  Love makes fools and paupers of us all, and now I'm a proud member of that club.

Kitchen

Breakfast Nook

Actually, now that I reflect on my past priorities, spending money on Eden is my first truly mature and forward-thinking financial venture; especially considering that the expenses focus on energy efficiency improvements.  I have no idea how, because I'm cash poor from credit card and student loan bills, but I will have vinyl siding on this house by next winter.  Does anyone know a Russian Mobster?

Dining/Living Area into Main Living Room

Furthermore, Eden is the first deserving financial burden in my life; and in contemplating how, I drew astounding parallels between my own disposition and the characteristics of my new home which I relate now with humility:

• Built on a strong foundation, yet needing extraordinary attention in specific places
• Includes unfinished and/or empty spaces with untapped potential
• Every now and then the trash needs to be hauled out and forgotten 
• Focus on continual improvements; Progress not perfection

Thought of the Day 3/7/2013: World's Greatest Boss

It's official, I have the best boss, at least for me, in the universe.  Big-ups CP!!!

It all started late last year when I received a call from a senior scientist at Hospira in a mysterious place called McPherson, KS.  I had been interviewing for a lot of positions at the time and the lack of call-backs was wearing me down.  I sadly began to realize that characteristics I treasured about myself and that typically made interviewing easy for me, such as a hard-working can-do attitude rife with over-enthusiasm, all accompanied by outlandish social 'skills', made me a liability in a professional setting; especially considering my eclectic mix of professional experiences, lack of direct pharmaceutical employment, and young age relative to others applying for the same jobs.  Could I handle the work? Yes.  Am I a potential risk? Also yes.  All this culminated in future employers choosing the safer bet, though I could work circles around those people.  Why wouldn't someone give me a chance to prove what I could do?!

The interview went great, but then again I always thought they did, and I became mesmerized with the energy of the plant, the community and especially the team with which I'd be working.  I had a feeling this boss could really direct me and use my skills appropriately; the position a dream job I didn't have the imagination necessary to conceive of its reality.  I went back to Colorado to stew in my impatience, and after the two-longest weeks of my life, it was made; three much shorter weeks later I had a completely new life.

I couldn't have been more right about my boss and they proved it 1,000 times over this morning.  After recognizing my accelerated and ambitious drive they put me on a special side project about two months ago, something which would propel me towards my ultimate goal of project management and also placed me working alongside the site's top leadership.  I've always been great with data accumulation, manipulation, analysis and interpretation, but I had now somehow morphed into the site's leading statistician and data analyzer.  The best part? My boss always makes it clear that I do the bulk of the work for this project; I'm their right-hand woman, a huge point of personal pride for me.

This morning my boss presented a project update for about 30 of the most senior level site-heads, including the top 2, who operationally maintain Hospira McPherson, a 1,400+ employee manufacturing facility, which is continually one of the highest functioning sites that Hospira owns worldwide.  During the presentation my boss conveyed my contribution in no uncertain terms to these unparalleled industry leaders, pointing me out and making sure they knew my name.  I, for probably the second time in my entire life, was speechless.

I have had two previous jobs, the first of which I literally almost killed myself over.  I wrote and received funding for million-dollar clinical trials and managed patient care for hundreds of MS patients, all to have the credit go to the already world-renowned doctors who I worked for; I eventually quit to save myself from the stress of working 65-70 hours a week for $33,000/year.  The worst part was that I owed money to my place of employment for stress-related doctor's visits made necessary by my job!  The second job was a ton of money for the lowest work expectations I've ever experienced; sounds great right? And it was at first, but I was also a meager piss-on contractor who was not important enough to give credit to or gear towards permanent employment and project ownership, which I consider to be far more important than money.

Today I felt, for the first time, the immense satisfaction of not only owning my work but, best of all, having a boss who truly understands my 'wild-card' personality, what to do with that energy, how to temper and direct it, and will work hard to help me obtain my career goals despite their own agenda.  No amount of money could possibly compare.

Definition: Compassion

I, notoriously, display a complete lack of sympathy and compassion, which according to Thesaurus.com are synonyms (I disagree by the way, as would Brene Brown).  This deficit originates from my deeply inlaid belief that we all will lay in the bed(s) we ultimately made, like it or not.  It's up to us to take responsibility for our actions, find a way to forgive ourselves, and get on with life.  Still, sometimes horrific and random shit happens to people without any karmic prompt on their part.  They are victims of circumstance.  When I hear about such things, like car accidents, deaths of friends/family/pets, loss of employment, etc.,  I rustle up some compassion with this definition in mind:

"Compassion is putting on someone else's shoes, attempting to walk, falling flat on one's face, and conceding that there is no authentic way to understand how that person truly feels; as a result one administers unmitigated and non-judgmental support."

In other words, I give compassion in the form of respect by admitting that I can't possibly fathom what they're going through or how they're feeling.  They're pain and suffering is unique and I refuse to trivialize their emotions by telling them I know how they feel, 'pat-pat', when I don't.  Furthermore, I realize all I can do is focus on their feelings, disregarding my own, and support them in any way that I can; even when it means leaving them alone, and still more difficult more me, keeping my trap-shut.  This is generally difficult for people because we tend to relate other peoples' experiences to our own in an attempt to understand the support that they may need.  We then think the only way to provide this support is to make things 'better' for the damaged person, but that's not always possible and it's best to let them work the pain out on their own, unless they directly seek comfort.

I realize that very similar things can happen to people, leading them into the false notion of shared experience and subsequent emotional pain; but there is more at stake than a superficial shared experience.  People are a cumulative amalgamation of their entire lifes' occurrences, nature as well as nurture, and how they perceive the horrible things that happen to them are jaded by that past (effectively, their FUF).

For example, I've met people who have also suffered from the death of a close sibling.  One might assume we experience similar levels of emotional pain and seek similar amounts of support in similar ways to heal; wrong.  Other people may have lost a sister, but they didn't lose Amanda.  My sister was the craziest bitch I've ever known.  I couldn't have loved her more then nor miss her more now.  The day I got that phone call will live in infamy, just four days after her 25th birthday.  That was the the last day I heard her voice, we laughed about our grandfather being so prejudiced that he used to get pissed when black people won on The Price if Right.  My mind shut down with the pain initially, but certain things about her life choices made her death make logical sense to me, which in time brought me peace because logic comforts me whereas hugs do not.  Conversely for the others, I didn't lose [insert name] and therefore cannot understand the other person's pain because I didn't grow up with their sibling, and they also likely find comfort in hugs.  We healed in completely different ways as a result of the unique pasts which influence our present emotions and actions.

She burnt her candle at both ends, and truly lived life while she was alive.

Additionally, many people can go through the same experience, yet each will come out feeling about it differently than the others.  Survivors of the September 11th attacks on the World Trade Center, soldiers who fought in the Battle of the Somme, and cruisers on the recently renowned Carnival ship that lost power and left them stranded; all these people shared the same experience but felt and acted individually, and in accordance with their personalities and accumulated emotional tool-kits.

In conclusion, one does not need to draw parallels from their own experiences to console the emotional pain of another.  What I propose is the opposite.  The real way to provide compassion and help heal another is by respecting their unique form of pain, allowing them to handle their situation without dictating how they should act or feel; letting them ask for the support they need and in the form they find most comforting, instead of forcing it upon them.

Thought of the Day 3/2/2013: Shameless Donation Begging

I don't typically do this; but with the sequester taking millions of dollars away from scientific research, this is one way to help.  Please DONATE on my behalf!