For about the billionth time over the last two years I've decided it's time to take my filthy mouth down a peg [I wish the Filter installation had been more successful], so sometime yesterday morning I decided that over the next two nights I should take a vow of silence. Since I did not clearly understand how a vow of silence would serve to accomplish my goal, I debated internally about whether or not it would be beneficial. I was still undecided when I awoke this afternoon, and as I was not instantly confronted with the dilemma of talking to my Mom who was out shopping, I resolved on contemplating the purpose of the vow during my daily run. My subsequent musings surprised me, so I thought I'd share them.
Now, I took a vow of silence as part of my original life-recovery project back in early 2012 [Point 4] with the express purpose of quieting my voice in order to connect with my Higher Power and/or Self, but it proved difficult what with work and all; but most importantly, I learned that keeping my trap shut did not quiet the internal dialogue in my Mind. More than my outer voice, it is my inner voice that I need to quiet to obtain peace of mind, and thus, what I experience as happiness.
I got on the treadmill and set my Mind to the following questions: Why do I want to stop talking? What is the purpose? What do I want to accomplish? I don't really understand why I felt it would accomplish anything, it was just my attempt to stop offending people with the crap that spews from my mouth, my abhorrent language and outlandish statements. Logically if I don't talk then I won't say the random, unfiltered prattle, that seems to seize the attention of everyone within 50 feet; some amused, most offended or even disgusted. This is how I constantly call unwanted attention to myself, and I thought a vow of silence would at least help interrupt my speech patterns so that I could attempt to break the habit. I knew it would be easier to accomplish the task during my nights off since I rarely come across people during those nights, but wait, wouldn't that defeat my entire purpose? Isn't the point to decrease offensive language around people? There was also the forehead smacking realization that if someone speaks to me and I don't respond because of the vow I had taken, they're going to get pissed off and think I'm snubbing them. I would have offended them by not talking; a no-win situation indeed. My inane analysis didn't stop there; if the purpose of my vow is to stop swearing, because if I don't speak I can't swear, then there's another issue: inner dialogue. Part of the reason I swear constitutively is because I use it habitually in both my inner and outer vernacular. I swear and say questionably amoral things in my head as much as I do out loud to others; the only difference being that I always find what I say/think incredibly amusing where others do not. The question then becomes does this language in my own Mind violate my vow? Who decides?
Eventually I realized that what I really want to quiet is not my outer voice, but the Mind's inner voice. That cocky little ego who loves to analyze and judge everything I say, do and think; absolutely maddening! A vow of silence would not likely help in that endeavor. In fact, it may serve to make that inner voice louder as the lack of social interaction would create boredom, a recipe for riotous self-sabotage. Ideally self awareness, learning to separate the Soul from the Mind thereby allowing one to observe internal thoughts and external actions sans judgement, serves to prompt self improvement by recognizing, and addressing, negative trends. The crux of my self awareness, however, is that I also began to allow my ego to impose vast amounts of judgment; falsely believing it was a path to ultimate self-improvement via pure self-shame. But I'm not improving myself, I'm only deepening my own neuroses by focusing on the negative aspects of my personality that I want to change, such as my sailor mouth. I don't recognize the work I've accomplished, I only see what still needs to be corrected; lifelong habits that are proving extremely difficult to alter. I'm too distracted by my faults to accept myself for who I am, which was the definitive purpose of my transformation and quest for happiness.
So what I really need to accomplish is to quiet, not my mouth, but that bitch of an ego. I need to say "Hey, I've got shit to work on, but I like who I am even if others do not." I honestly don't mind the things I say, and authentically think I'm mostly hilarious; I only dislike it when others seem displeased, mistakenly placing my own self assessment on the opinions of others. While some may call that conceit, I call it self esteem. Offense is never my intent when I talk though I may offend, and I need to remember that I can't control how others interpret things that I say; that is there issue, not mine. Yes, I'm sad to feel I've affronted or angered anyone, but dammit, I can't constantly keep judging myself because I'm trying to make others happy. It's driving me crazy and pushing me further from my life's goal: Happiness. Even though I thought it impossible, I'm going to get even more selfish. Like losing 130 pounds or addressing any addiction, I will change myself when, and only when, I genuinely want to and am ready to do so. I haven't yet been able to change my ludicrous language because, deep down, I like that I'm a Wild Card, that no one can predict what I'm about to say, not even me! Admittedly however, I feel I could remain true to my Wild Card nature with a few less F-bombs.
In conclusion, the only vow I intend to take is one of unconditional self acceptance. I don't always like the things that I say and do, but to continue to berate myself with negative judgment will only serve to dissolve my happiness and mitigate the improvements I've already implemented. I am not yet who I want to be, and I am not who I will be, but I'm sure as shit not who I used to be; whoever I am, moment to moment, I accept myself.
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| I adore irony. |
I got on the treadmill and set my Mind to the following questions: Why do I want to stop talking? What is the purpose? What do I want to accomplish? I don't really understand why I felt it would accomplish anything, it was just my attempt to stop offending people with the crap that spews from my mouth, my abhorrent language and outlandish statements. Logically if I don't talk then I won't say the random, unfiltered prattle, that seems to seize the attention of everyone within 50 feet; some amused, most offended or even disgusted. This is how I constantly call unwanted attention to myself, and I thought a vow of silence would at least help interrupt my speech patterns so that I could attempt to break the habit. I knew it would be easier to accomplish the task during my nights off since I rarely come across people during those nights, but wait, wouldn't that defeat my entire purpose? Isn't the point to decrease offensive language around people? There was also the forehead smacking realization that if someone speaks to me and I don't respond because of the vow I had taken, they're going to get pissed off and think I'm snubbing them. I would have offended them by not talking; a no-win situation indeed. My inane analysis didn't stop there; if the purpose of my vow is to stop swearing, because if I don't speak I can't swear, then there's another issue: inner dialogue. Part of the reason I swear constitutively is because I use it habitually in both my inner and outer vernacular. I swear and say questionably amoral things in my head as much as I do out loud to others; the only difference being that I always find what I say/think incredibly amusing where others do not. The question then becomes does this language in my own Mind violate my vow? Who decides?
Eventually I realized that what I really want to quiet is not my outer voice, but the Mind's inner voice. That cocky little ego who loves to analyze and judge everything I say, do and think; absolutely maddening! A vow of silence would not likely help in that endeavor. In fact, it may serve to make that inner voice louder as the lack of social interaction would create boredom, a recipe for riotous self-sabotage. Ideally self awareness, learning to separate the Soul from the Mind thereby allowing one to observe internal thoughts and external actions sans judgement, serves to prompt self improvement by recognizing, and addressing, negative trends. The crux of my self awareness, however, is that I also began to allow my ego to impose vast amounts of judgment; falsely believing it was a path to ultimate self-improvement via pure self-shame. But I'm not improving myself, I'm only deepening my own neuroses by focusing on the negative aspects of my personality that I want to change, such as my sailor mouth. I don't recognize the work I've accomplished, I only see what still needs to be corrected; lifelong habits that are proving extremely difficult to alter. I'm too distracted by my faults to accept myself for who I am, which was the definitive purpose of my transformation and quest for happiness.
So what I really need to accomplish is to quiet, not my mouth, but that bitch of an ego. I need to say "Hey, I've got shit to work on, but I like who I am even if others do not." I honestly don't mind the things I say, and authentically think I'm mostly hilarious; I only dislike it when others seem displeased, mistakenly placing my own self assessment on the opinions of others. While some may call that conceit, I call it self esteem. Offense is never my intent when I talk though I may offend, and I need to remember that I can't control how others interpret things that I say; that is there issue, not mine. Yes, I'm sad to feel I've affronted or angered anyone, but dammit, I can't constantly keep judging myself because I'm trying to make others happy. It's driving me crazy and pushing me further from my life's goal: Happiness. Even though I thought it impossible, I'm going to get even more selfish. Like losing 130 pounds or addressing any addiction, I will change myself when, and only when, I genuinely want to and am ready to do so. I haven't yet been able to change my ludicrous language because, deep down, I like that I'm a Wild Card, that no one can predict what I'm about to say, not even me! Admittedly however, I feel I could remain true to my Wild Card nature with a few less F-bombs.
In conclusion, the only vow I intend to take is one of unconditional self acceptance. I don't always like the things that I say and do, but to continue to berate myself with negative judgment will only serve to dissolve my happiness and mitigate the improvements I've already implemented. I am not yet who I want to be, and I am not who I will be, but I'm sure as shit not who I used to be; whoever I am, moment to moment, I accept myself.
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