Travel Day 17: Sunday, 07/01/2012

09:40 [Fussen Pics]
My tour at Schloss Hohenschwangau [Castle H] starts in 10 minutes! Then my tour at the other castle is at 12:05. Perfect timing :) The walk here was gorgeous; there's so many slugs and meadows of flowers and dense trees, it's all so gorgeous. The castles have obviously been redone, but they still look great and there's cuckoo clock shops.

On the trail

Schloss Hohenschwangau

I decided to empty my pack and use that today, it's way better than the purse. I also brought my pedometer for S&G then had the genius idea to reset the time and use it as a watch; and it's much more accessible than the iPod. All the trail times on the map are for old people apparently cuz I do them in half the time. I may walk around the lake (Alpsee) or I think there's a trail that actually crosses the Austrian border! I'm going to ask and if it does, I'm all over it. Tour time.

13:22
I'm even ahead of schedule, I'm amazing! and utterly fucking exhausted... After the first tour, which was cool, a good length though others said it was short and disappointing. Any longer and I would've been bored and antsy. Schloss H has obviously been redone and has really lost any feeling that it's even old, but there was cool shit inside. It's privately owned by the duke so no pics (in either castle). After that tour I hauled ass around the lake trail and did it in about an hour, then had to basically run all the way straight up to the other castle, making my tour with about 2 minutes to spare. It was a gorgeous hike though.

Both castles from the other side of Lake Alpsee; N on the left and S on the right.

Castle N from Castle S; notice how far up I had to hike. It was a good thing I live in Colorado at the time!

Castle N from the bridge over the gorge.

Schloss Neuschwanstein [Castle S] was WAY cooler and it's the one Disney modeled. It wasn't finished because they stopped construction when Ludwig died, still absolutely tits though. That one bridge was over a fucking gorge, so I went and took 3 pics and ran off the damn thing. Now I'm having my 2nd sandwich and resting before my trek down to Altstadt. Quite a haul today!

So, this place is fucking packed with Asians. It's crazy. Sadly, I found my stress elevating as I was surrounded by more Americans; always negatively criticizing or making extremely obvious statements. I kept my mouth shut and hoped to God no one thought I was also American. Sad, but true.

I have all Asian hostel-mates and for small people, damn do they snore loudly! I doubt I got over 3-4 hours of sleep, haha. Those are my racisms, Americans and Asians. I oughtn't have any; now there's a life long goal. As concerns Americans, I just feel resentful for the way they act and knowing I'm like that too and I don't want to be. This requires acceptance that I need God's help with. One day at a time. For now, I'm just really happy I'm here and having this opportunity.

16:00
And thank you once again God! Literally, right after I wrote that above I struck up a conversation with 4 girls studying abroad in France from Georgia Tech. They looked so young! They were really nice girls and I enjoyed talking to them; ok, ok, so not all Americans are horrible, haha. I think it's just that the 2 guys on the tour of Schloss N with me were so typical white guy-mundane. I'm just so desperate for something/someone/someplace different. It's unfair for me to blame my dislike of my old habits, the ordinary, on them or anyone else.... like turbo-engine snoring Asians.

So.... now for the coolest part. I bought Mom a cuckoo clock at the shop I saw across from the ticket sales building! Not only did I get Mom one, but I got one too!! Mom's is red and has a St. Bernard on it; mine is green with a guy drinking bier, haha. Both are hand crafted, all wood, authentic German cuckoos made in the Black Forest! Best of all, since I shipped them to Mom in the US, they took off the 19% German tax and added a $35 shipping charge, so I ended up saving like $30 [on each]. Sweet, yay! I was so excited I had a smile on my face all 5 km back to Fussen.

Now I'm at Aquila Restaurant enjoying a cappuccino and a wonderful pasta Italy-meets-India dish with turkey breast, broccoli, asparagus, zucchini, peas, chives, tomato, peppers and carrots, covered in a delicious curry cream sauce. Since it's only 16:11, I will still have plenty of time to go see the church though it is kinda rainy/cold now. My feet are going to deserve a break tonight! According to my pedometer I've walked 13.36 miles today. Woot.

I think the key to satiety and health is milk fat. I've been eating a lot of it and it's great fuel!

Oh goodness, 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' just came on, haha. Wow, I was gonna have dessert but it's so early and that was so filling (I'm feeling too good to ruin it with guilt). My tummy is happy, so I'm calling it good. I just saw there's a walkway, 'Konig Ludwig Promenade', right to the cemetery. Werd.

I literally can't wait to tell Mom to expect her B-day surprise in 3-4 weeks via DHL. Then I'll impatiently have to wait to bring home my own clock!

18:32
I went to the souvenir shop to finish shopping and by the time I was done it was a freezing downpour. Since I was in cloth short-shorts and a tank top, I bee-lined it for the hostel. It's cleared up a bit, so I may go back out to the cemetery.

Tomorrow: Fussen (RE 08:06) to Munich (10:06)

Gift Inventory:
Dad - Swedish guitar pick
Step-Mom - Schloss N keychain
Gramma - Swedish keychain
Mom - Shotglass
Sis - German pants coin purse and Cow soap
Bro In-Law - Das Boot shotglass
Younger Niece - Teddy bear thing
Older Niece - Schloss N tea set
Nephew - Schloss N bier mug set
Mom's BF - Swedish mini mug
Charlie's Sitter - Cuckcoo clock magnet

Now I'm re-thinking my travel plans. Munich to Berchtesgarten is 3 hours, each way. Munich to Nuremberg is only 1.5 hours OR I could just use the free travel day on the S bahn and further explore Munich. That way I can leave Fussen a little later tomorrow as well.... oh the options! I would really like to explore the cemetery and I could take the morning to do it justice and store my stuff in a lockers downstairs while I'm out. Hmmm, that definitely sounds less stressful... I'll be honest, my feet are done for the day and Munich is supposed to be awesome, so I think I should have more time there. And, this way I won't have to pay to store my pack at Munich Hbf. Ok, I've obviously talked myself into it! I need to go check out those lockers though and be sure I can use one until noon or so...

20:57
.... Sure can, then I was able to get online, so I just wasted about 2 hours. I'm feeling guilty for eating an apple, piece of Valrhona and small luna bar. Why?! I was gonna get dessert and didn't; no, I'm proud, damn proud!

Tentative plan for tomorrow:
06:30-07:30 Shower/store pack/breakfast
07:30-11:30 1) König Ludwig Promenade and cemetery, 2) Ziegetangerweg/Ziegelberg
12:06 Train to Munich, arrive 14:04

Woot!

Thought of the Day 09/25/2014: Vow of Silence?

For about the billionth time over the last two years I've decided it's time to take my filthy mouth down a peg [I wish the Filter installation had been more successful], so sometime yesterday morning I decided that over the next two nights I should take a vow of silence. Since I did not clearly understand how a vow of silence would serve to accomplish my goal, I debated internally about whether or not it would be beneficial. I was still undecided when I awoke this afternoon, and as I was not instantly confronted with the dilemma of talking to my Mom who was out shopping, I resolved on contemplating the purpose of the vow during my daily run. My subsequent musings surprised me, so I thought I'd share them.

I adore irony.

Now, I took a vow of silence as part of my original life-recovery project back in early 2012 [Point 4] with the express purpose of quieting my voice in order to connect with my Higher Power and/or Self, but it proved difficult what with work and all; but most importantly, I learned that keeping my trap shut did not quiet the internal dialogue in my Mind. More than my outer voice, it is my inner voice that I need to quiet to obtain peace of mind, and thus, what I experience as happiness.

I got on the treadmill and set my Mind to the following questions: Why do I want to stop talking? What is the purpose? What do I want to accomplish? I don't really understand why I felt it would accomplish anything, it was just my attempt to stop offending people with the crap that spews from my mouth, my abhorrent language and outlandish statements. Logically if I don't talk then I won't say the random, unfiltered prattle, that seems to seize the attention of everyone within 50 feet; some amused, most offended or even disgusted. This is how I constantly call unwanted attention to myself, and I thought a vow of silence would at least help interrupt my speech patterns so that I could attempt to break the habit. I knew it would be easier to accomplish the task during my nights off since I rarely come across people during those nights, but wait, wouldn't that defeat my entire purpose? Isn't the point to decrease offensive language around people? There was also the forehead smacking realization that if someone speaks to me and I don't respond because of the vow I had taken, they're going to get pissed off and think I'm snubbing them. I would have offended them by not talking; a no-win situation indeed. My inane analysis didn't stop there; if the purpose of my vow is to stop swearing, because if I don't speak I can't swear, then there's another issue: inner dialogue. Part of the reason I swear constitutively is because I use it habitually in both my inner and outer vernacular. I swear and say questionably amoral things in my head as much as I do out loud to others; the only difference being that I always find what I say/think incredibly amusing where others do not. The question then becomes does this language in my own Mind violate my vow? Who decides?

Eventually I realized that what I really want to quiet is not my outer voice, but the Mind's inner voice. That cocky little ego who loves to analyze and judge everything I say, do and think; absolutely maddening! A vow of silence would not likely help in that endeavor. In fact, it may serve to make that inner voice louder as the lack of social interaction would create boredom, a recipe for riotous self-sabotage. Ideally self awareness, learning to separate the Soul from the Mind thereby allowing one to observe internal thoughts and external actions sans judgement, serves to prompt self improvement by recognizing, and addressing, negative trends. The crux of my self awareness, however, is that I also began to allow my ego to impose vast amounts of judgment; falsely believing it was a path to ultimate self-improvement via pure self-shame. But I'm not improving myself, I'm only deepening my own neuroses by focusing on the negative aspects of my personality that I want to change, such as my sailor mouth. I don't recognize the work I've accomplished, I only see what still needs to be corrected; lifelong habits that are proving extremely difficult to alter.  I'm too distracted by my faults to accept myself for who I am, which was the definitive purpose of my transformation and quest for happiness.

So what I really need to accomplish is to quiet, not my mouth, but that bitch of an ego. I need to say "Hey, I've got shit to work on, but I like who I am even if others do not." I honestly don't mind the things I say, and authentically think I'm mostly hilarious; I only dislike it when others seem displeased, mistakenly placing my own self assessment on the opinions of others. While some may call that conceit, I call it self esteem. Offense is never my intent when I talk though I may offend, and I need to remember that I can't control how others interpret things that I say; that is there issue, not mine. Yes, I'm sad to feel I've affronted or angered anyone, but dammit, I can't constantly keep judging myself because I'm trying to make others happy. It's driving me crazy and pushing me further from my life's goal: Happiness. Even though I thought it impossible, I'm going to get even more selfish. Like losing 130 pounds or addressing any addiction, I will change myself when, and only when, I genuinely want to and am ready to do so. I haven't yet been able to change my ludicrous language because, deep down, I like that I'm a Wild Card, that no one can predict what I'm about to say, not even me! Admittedly however, I feel I could remain true to my Wild Card nature with a few less F-bombs.

In conclusion, the only vow I intend to take is one of unconditional self acceptance. I don't always like the things that I say and do, but to continue to berate myself with negative judgment will only serve to dissolve my happiness and mitigate the improvements I've already implemented. I am not yet who I want to be, and I am not who I will be, but I'm sure as shit not who I used to be; whoever I am, moment to moment, I accept myself.

My Fear Landscape

From the moment I witnessed Tris's fear landscape I thought "What would I be confronted with in my own?" I've since spent considerable time digesting this question, using every ounce of self-awareness I possess to search my subconscious for my true fears, and I'm now prepared to reveal my answer. First, however, it is critical to delineate the difference between superficial fear and authentic fear, simply feeling scared versus paralysis of the Body inflicted by the Mind, as ones' landscape would exhibit only genuine fears. While a person may jump and shout when someone jumps out at them from a darkened corner, it's not likely they'll evade such places on the chance someone may jump out at them. The key difference, therefore, is one's tendency to amend their behavior in order to avoid encountering their fear(s). Importantly, I also suspect that a majority of people are mostly aware of only these obvious, largely superficial fears, while their substantive innate fears remain elusive; making a fear landscape a truly terrifying experience. Even after deep meditation on my own ugly fears, I'm certain there are others still more horrible that my Mind has pushed down into its depths as a defense mechanism.

There are a plethora of common fears that one might expect to see in many people's fear landscapes such as spiders, clowns, snakes, crowds, heights, dentists, flying, small spaces, animals with large teeth and/or talons, darkness, public speaking, needles, drowning or death in general, being told to piss-off by someone they have a crush on, etc. These are what I'd like to call finding oneself in an "I'd shit myself" scenario; uncomfortable, but not debilitating to most. Real fears, however, are debilitating. For example, for me, heights would be a legitimate fear and consequently would present itself in my landscape because I actively avoid places and events where I'll be elevated without any support to comfort me, such as a handrail or a solid floor. My legs lock and I'm physically unable to move, as evidenced by a particularly memorable trip to the CN Tower in Toronto where my friends thought it would be funny to push me onto a glass floor. The joke was on them, however, when all 240 pounds of me collapsed, crying and unable to move, and they had to haul my sorry ass off the glass before I could regain my ability to stand.

My BFF, seen laughing in the photo, coaxed me onto this statue in front of The Luxor in Vegas; I'm about to have a fear-induced hurl from even this meager height.

The Fear Landscape
Now, I hate to take a turn to serious town, but we are discussing fear landscapes, so here is mine: I'm at the top of an extremely long staircase without any handrails and someone from behind pushes me, as I look back I see someone I love and trusted; I'm in a darkened room, I'm sobbing and I've been crying for a long time, experiencing unparalleled emotional torment, tearing myself apart mentally and physically, my loved ones are right down the hallway, they know I'm upset and even hear my tortured wails yet no one comes to check on me, I'm alone; I'm walking through a room full of people but no matter how hard I focus I can neither see nor hear clearly, there is something I'm supposed to do but I can't figure out what it is, no one can help me; my family and lifelong friends look at me with worry and/or disgust, they say I look anorexic, they say I'm not fun anymore, that they liked me better when I was fat, I can't breath because I feel the same way; I go into a gym but every piece of equipment I try is broken; I'm running and my legs shatter beneath me; I walk into a room with tables full of my favorite foods and red wine, heaps of pancakes covered in peanut butter, chocolate and bananas, gourmet carrot cakes bigger than me, greasy Doner Kebab meat rotating on a spit beside all my favorite toppings, endless arrangements of decadent sundaes - one glass of wine and I pick at some baby carrots, after the second glass I splurge on some pita chips and hummus, after the third I lose control, my inhibitions gone, I eat and eat and eat until I can't think or feel, as I reach for another piece of pizza the hand I see is not my slight bony hand, it has transformed into the wrist of someone I used to know, oddly familiar, I look in a mirror, I am 250 pounds, I have to start the nightmare over.

Wow, that was sadder and more emotionally draining than I thought it would be; an yet, it was enlightening. Encapsulated within that terrifying mess, by my assessment, are these base fears:

• Heights - As detailed above.
• Deceit - In some form or fashion I've been lied to all of my life, both by family and friends as well as myself. I fancy myself too smart to be fooled, but I'm also too trusting. Whether they intend to or not, when people one loves' deceives them it hurts like a bitch, which leads me to....
• Abandonment/Emotional Pain - Mommy left when I was 5 so I replaced her with food, and Daddy was too selfish to make me feel like he actually wanted me and my sisters around. As a result, I became a chronic people pleaser in a vain attempt to keep them around, so they wouldn't leave me like the others. Ultimately, this is why I keep most relationships superficial and push people away, relying on logic instead of emotions. When I let people in and give them power over me, I believe (to varying degrees of falsehood) that they will use it to hurt me; their departure from my life is unavoidable. I remain selfish because I need to keep myself secure, if not happy. After all, I'm the only person guaranteed to never abandon me.
• Weight Gain/Bodily Injury - I fear injury because in my addled mind if I get hurt I can't workout, and if I don't workout I can't eat. To me, sadly, food is my reward for activity and not a necessity of life. Though I do not understand its basis, I'm ultimately afraid of regaining the weight I worked so hard to lose; negating all the hard work I put in and rendering the relationships I lost as result pointless. Yes, I lost at least two of my most important friendships because of my mental and physical transition, and since getting fat again won't bring them back, I may as well keep the new body. I also severed most of my other relationships for good measure as they reminded me of 'Fat-Summer,' and I having new friends seemed to make sense sine I had a new Body/identity. [Ding, dong; fear of abandonment rears its ugly head again. Jesus, I just realized that I'm afraid if I make another huge change I'll shit on, and subsequently lose, still more interpersonal relationships.... Dammit, I guess its time to make that counseling appointment.]
• Spontaneous Obesity - This one is fun because its an amalgamation of my fear of deceit and weight gain! I'm terrified that, in my true extremist nature, I won't regain weight steadily but all at once in one glutinous night, one fall from the wagon; induced easily with only a couple glasses of Zinfandel. I also don't trust my Body when it tells me it's hungry because my Mind feels the Body tricked it into being fat for 20+ years; feeling hunger not because I needed the food, but because I was trying to comfort myself and numb emotions.

Of Fear and Addiction
I believe that Fear is our Mind's embodiment of our deepest, darkest enemy. As such, this exercise (no pun intended) has led me to the following conclusion: For me, addiction is my arch rival in this life, and those addictions are my fruitless attempt to hide from my fears;  but instead of escaping those fears, I'm drawn into an endless loop wherein I go from one extreme to another with few natural resources to break the cycle.

What each scene in my landscape signifies in its own way is a root fear in Lack of Control, and an ultimate Addiction to Control, which is extremely typical of an adult child of alcoholics. Though I have feed this addiction in many ways throughout my life; right now I use obsessive exercise and dieting to accomplish covering up the humiliating fact that I actually have very little control of anything in this life other than my Body mass. I avoid social situations, afraid of consuming unnecessary and excessive calories from food and/or booze, but I'm really only afraid that I can't control these urges. Though I know overindulgence will make me feel horrible, both physically and mentally, the first bite or sip and my extremist Mind says 'Fuck It, we may as well go for broke now. Go big or go home!' and a hearty night of guilt sodden self destruction ensues. Inevitably, the next day I will exercise for an extra hour and refuse to eat anything above the arbitrary number I've assigned for that day; typically little more than 1,000 calories, enough to operate without passing out while seriously edging that line.

For an addict, the first cupcake is the akin to the first shot of whiskey or hit of crack. It never stops at one.

To try and truly convey this inner angst I'll mention a line from an incredible movie called "Thanks for Sharing," during which a character states that battling a sex addiction is like trying to stop smoking crack when the pipe is attached to your body; yes, indeed. It would be so easy to stop this bullshit if I didn't need to eat! But how do I amend this behavior when eating is one of the primary essentials of sustaining Human life? How do I shift those obsessive, calorie-saturated, thoughts and start eating food again, instead of numbers?

These habits were established during a period of my life when it was a tool to attain my weight-loss goal, but no one told me that I could stop or showed me how too; that was 6 years ago, and I'm about 12 pounds under my goal weight. And as I've already mentioned, all this is secondary to my deeply engrained false belief that I can eat only when I exercise; that I somehow don't burn any calories unless I run on a treadmill like a neurotic hamster. Some people exercise so that they can eat whatever they want; I eat minimal amounts of low-calorie, non-processed foods to sustain my exercise regimen, and I typically do a piss-poor job, feeling weak, exhausted and defeated at the end of 45 minutes. Refusing to believe the ultimate truth: that my Mind doesn't know what the Body needs, but the Mind has spent so much of it's time bullying the Body, it now refuses to ask for what it needs; hell, even it if did, I wouldn't trust it and eat more anyway.

My swollen hand after a day of long, hot, hiking. Mentally I see my hand as it appeared in 2005.... NOOOOO! Despite hauling my ass up not one, but two 14,000+ feet peaks that day, because of this image I kept my calorie intake to an absolute minimum despite feeling ravenous. The hunger is easier to ignore than the fear.

Son of a Bitch. I know all these things, that it's all bullshit, irrational and scientifically false. After all, I have a FUCKING MASTERS DEGREE IN BIOLOGICAL SCIENCES. Regardless, defying all logic, my addicted mind won't allow me to believe the truths which will enable me to break free of the cycle and finally derail the crazy train.

Yes, she was an absolute blast to be around, but I have to bury her or I, Skinny Summer, will always fear her return and never know satiation (pun!). 

The point of a fear landscape is to confronts one's fears, but I don't need a serum. I live my landscape, a revolving nightmare; I feel fear when I'm hungry (worried that I don't eat enough to support my exercise addiction, or that I'll crash from a Hypoglycemic attack), and also when I'm full (worried I ate too much). Constant fear. Sadly, one thing I've learned from writing up my Europe 2012 trip is that, mentally, not much progress has been made with regards to these obsessive thoughts. I need something, or someone to wake me up; or some way to make my own life so foreign to myself that I'm forced to change these habits (aka, by moving to New Zealand).

The Hope
Speaking of which, let's end this on a more positive note because, come Hell or high water, I'm gonna beat this shit; here is my Happiness Landscape: I'm sitting comfortably under a huge willow outside of my clean and warm hobbit hole, there are colorful flowers everywhere; everything is quiet except the sound of birds singing and the light breeze rustling the leaves; there are rays of sun shining through sparse clouds; I look out over the valley and see a meandering river and snow capped mountains in the not so far off distance; I feel intrinsic gratuitous love and acceptance that is constant and infallible; I run when I want to run and I eat when I feel hungry, without judgment and without worry; my mind is clear; I have nothing to do, I have only to Be.

Everything else, material goods, interpersonal/romantic relationships, rewarding vocations, worldly achievements and money, to me, are transient; things I can not rely on to keep me happy. They are simply the icing on the cake of life, if I can grow the balls needed to eat it.

Travel Day 16: Saturday, 06/30/2012

9:32
Enjoyed a nice run (about 6-7 km) and some yoga, then had breakfast with an older lady whose son is in the hospital here. There's a lady in my room in the same situation, so I guess it's common here. Repeated my breakfast from yesterday, it's just so damned good! and snagged 2 rolls (multigrain and poppy seed) for the road/tracks.

It's so incredibly perfect outside! That's how I  met the lady, I wanted to sit outside but all the tables were full, so I asked to sit with her. Her english was good but she either missed things I said or is like Gramma because I had to repeat some of the things I had already told her earlier. She was surprised that I was alone and wanted to be, and didn't believe that I had largely relied on myself instead of my parents - she insisted that my parents raised me and it made me realize that I really don't think they did. True, they offered me their own variety of guidance, and my basic needs, but I don't feel they 'raised' me. Now I think of it though, that's exactly how parents should be, not aloof, but also not too involved as self-identity for both parent and child is critical for Human sanity. This is what IW and I were talking about on the bus last night. What does it even mean to 'raise' a child? There's certainly no clear right or wrong way to do it. For my part, I'm inclined now more than ever to say my parents did a great job. They had significant flaws they never tried to hide and I learned from negative attributes as much as their positive [behaviors] along with the love they offered. And especially now, seeing how strong and independent I am, I'm faced with having to admit that a combo of all our personalities  created one kick-ass person! Huh, that's a different way of looking at it. Take that shadow Abandoned Child! [I'm referring to the negative aspect of an archetype that leaves me with a chronic fear of abandonment]

Ok, have to pack up and head to the hauptbanhof :)

15:40 Train to Munchen
Lunch:
SR - "Schwabenteller"Zwei Schweinemedaillons vonn Grill mit Frischen Champignons in Rahn, Bube-Spitzle, Geschmalzten Maultaschle und Butterspatzel (Literal: 2 Pork filets, grilled, with fresh mushrooms in cream sauce with Bubespitzle, like french fry/dumplings, Maultaschen and spatzle with butter and orange breadcrumbs)

Me - Zwiebelrostbraten "Schwäbische Art" mit Sauerkraut, Maultaschle und Butterspatzel
Without realizing it, I essentially ordered the beef covered in onions dish again, but it also came with Saurkraut, deliciously salty and made with bacon I think, and Maultaschen, which was a bit different than Todi's version. I like it better as it was steamed and more of a whole component, not cut up into pieces and pan fried like Todi's rendition.

Speaking of which, I was initially trying to get us to Todi's but I wasn't sure exactly where it was, though I knew we were close, so we went to a great place by a fountain. SR said the entrees were typical Bavarian and I'd see the same in Munchen, but added the Maultaschle was a Sweibien kick. He was satisfied cuz he wanted traditional Maultaschle and wheat beer (can't quite remember the German name, but it effectively sound like 'white' Bier) and I like unfiltered wheats so I had 2 myself. An enormous, salty, fucking phenomenal meal, 2 x 500mL wheat beers and 30 Euro later and I'm on the train to Munchen, then Fussen, already missing SR. I'm in love with him! I want to try to meet him when he's in California in September and he's going to be my reference for my clinical research European applications; namely Sanofi, Paraxel and Pzifer. I also saw Bayer, so I should try that one too. Also - all the chemical suppliers (do an SAP search for DE [code for Germany in Amgen's computer system]) like BASF and others.

SR's mother is actually an MRI tech for MS research studies!! How crazy is that?! Anyway, we had a great lunch and we get along so easily with one another. He's beautiful inside and out and we're obviously like-minded. He even complained about the lack of open dialogue in the UK. Apparently, like in the US, people only talk about weather and other mundane shit to avoid all possibilities of offending anyone. Also, our 'partners' were both sensitive and we found it difficult to determine what they wanted, having to guess cuz they weren't direct, and in general find double-speak and indirectness abhorrent. Now here's someone I can relate to!

I feel keenly for him as he told me about 2 weeks ago (must have been right after I met him), he and his partner decided to take a break. Because of the financial investment, they're still going to take the trip together in September and see how it goes from there. I wished him all the best and conveyed my sincerest hopes that it works out for the best either way, and told him that he'll obviously know what's best after being together for so long. It's certainly not for me to form an opinion!

Also, as he doesn't care for 'Queens' for the same reason I don't like feminists (perpetuation of negative stereotypes), I told him I would pay the money to go to San Francisco and go to a gay bar with him because he is going to be absolutely inundated with Queens. It's going to be hilarious. I'm too out of my 'Fag-Hag' practice to manage that cluster fuck!

Oh dear, my water baby has turned into twin bier babies, haha. Now, the key is to have an apple and mini-luna bar for dinner instead of a chocolate torte, chocolate drink, falafel pita and schnitzel, haha. Dear lord, how I let shit get out of hand!

Actually, that was the best part of our conversation. He mentioned how America was a land of extremes and I found myself agreeing and adding that I myself, to a fault, tend to go to extremes. Then I had one of those lightbulb moments and said that's why I wanted to come here so badly. I somehow strike a balance here, especially with regards to food (no checking nutrition facts or caring if the yogurt I eat in the morning is fat free, or that my salad comes dressed or my spatzle is covered in fucking butter, not hesitating to order a beer with my meal; no counting in general or at the very least less than normal), and he added that Germans also strictly separate personal lives from work lives. This is critical as I know all too well! Ultimately I found what I said to be true; I have no 'German habits' as I do in America. It's like the talking thing I was writing about before. Moving here is my chance to start over and be careful in the new habits I form, avoiding old/negative ones; leaving those associated with the American-Summer [in my past]. Effectively, I could reinvent myself.

I ran out of water... not good, and I didn't get a ticket for free water like before, boo. I guess I'll just have to stay buzzed a bit longer, haha. I'm just so thankful to have met SR, and IW too, and look forward to opportunities of seeing them again. I will go back to the States, knowing its temporary, and with new resolve. Run, learn, Germany, my new mantra.

Oh and SR and I like the same TV shows! Big Bang, Queer as Folk and Macgyver, haha. Yes, I would/will definitely take a flight to LA or San Fran to meet him there. And I realized something else great: I'll get paid for July 4th! So there's another $150 added to my account. I'll be interested to see how much this trip ends up costing me..... It doesn't matter, I will be richer as a result; I already am with the friends I've made, the food I've eaten and the things I've seen. There's no monetary value on those things, they are priceless.

Oh geez, I just flipped through my book and saw HS's info then thought of her 'arrangement' with her friend's cousin. Is it wrong that I really want to ask SR if he'll marry me? I'm not even kidding.... is that bad? Is that my surprise?! It would be a dream come true, I'd be delighted to spend the rest of my life with him, even without sex. One more thing, just in case I haven't adequately beaten the dead horse. SR took his pic in a photo booth cuz he needed a monthly transportation pass in Stuttgart, he showed it to me complainingly along with a pic of him at 18 (he seriously looked like a 12 year old with geek glasses) and I joked with him, but honestly I thought he looked hot in his pics. I showed him my drivers license and he said he could tell I was thinner in the face now. I mentioned that I think I looked healthier/better then at a higher weight and he said I looked better now, perfect for my height and had a pretty face in general. He's one of the only people who has said that I looked better now, I'm used to people 'worrying' about me now because they're used to the old me. This, more than the 'pretty' comment, which I actually didn't really register until now, made me love him more. Then, when we were waiting for my train I realized my passport photo would definitely make him feel better, and it did! He laughed and said he wouldn't even know it was me. It truly is a horrible picture, haha. Then my train arrived and we hugged a good-bye, lingered a bit (I'm not imagining this) and made promises of keeping in touch. I'm just starting to realize now that we definitely registered a mutual, non-superficial if not deep, connection. There is something to this.... thank you.

19:00

An hour to go on this wretched train! No A/C.... so hot.... wind from windows not enough.... couldn't fill Nalgene so I had to pay 3.15Euro for a 1L bottle of Avian.... Boo Hoo. There's sweat dripping off the place where my skin on the back of my legs are touching the seat.... awesome. A bug bit my neck.... Conclusion: Regional trains aren't fun - I happened to see a fucking Aldi's of all stores right next to the train stop for Kaufering. I didn't realize it at first, but I looked at the map and Fussen is damn near the Austrian border. Cool.

I love that my directions say to walk west from Fussen Hbf; I wish I had a compass! Maybe there'll be a huge pic/statue of Arnold Schwartzenegger indicating the border of Austria, then I'll know that's South. The train is headed South, so I guess I'll just have to make a note of West when I exit the train and try not to get turned around.

I can't believe the German PT system's economy hasn't completely crashed. I bought the 24 hour bus/train pass for Heidelberg, but as I suspected, I could've just hopped on and off at will, no one checked my ticket once! (same as in every other place) I hate to take advantage but.... ok, that's obviously a lie. I may actually have the thief archetype.... I stole a magnet in Heidelberg.... I should feel worse than I do, which is not at all. Karma dictates I will likely have something stolen from me, so I must be prepared to take responsibility. These are good lessons.

I just finished The Hunger Games and the last chapter was fairly emotionally exhausting because she struggles to grieve for her sister's death. To be fair, I'm also hot, dehydrated, stuffed, constipated (surprise, surprise) and coming down off the 1L of bier. That's what I signed up for, but enjoying lunch with SR was 150% worth it! Oh! and I forgot to add that we passed Todi's on the way back to the Hbf! It's just around the corner from the place we all had dessert the first night I met him. We had a great laugh at that. But we both agreed our lunch was superior in every respect.

During lunch SR reached out and touched my shoulder and asked "what do you call these?" At first I thought, tattoos? Celtic Cross? cuz I thought that's what he pointed to, but then he said "No, the brown spots." I laughed and said freckles, yes, I have so many on my shoulders I just look really tan, it's just one big mass of freckles. He said they're called 'Summer spots' in Germany, haha; makes sense to me!

Wow, I'm seriously in the middle of nowhere... tits. IS told me the castle in Fussen is the one Disney based his off and one of the oldest in the world. No matter the cost, I'm going in!

21:51

Well, it's nice to be still while writing, but I'm in the dungeon of this hostel waiting for clothes to dry, which I just washed. I was outside, and was going to write there, but I was literally eaten alive by mosquitos! I forgot how annoying those bites were. There's supposedly free wifi here but I can't seem to sign on.... oh well.

So, where's here? One of the most fucking beautiful towns I've ever seen, that's where [Pic Link]. It didn't take long after I last wrote to notice I could begin to see the Alps in the distance and the scenery was quickly changing to forest, farms and grazing pastures with sparse, beautiful, homes and lots of very tiny towns. The mountains come on very fast. At first I thought they were snow capped, but then I realized that it was actually the light color of the rock the mountains are made of; something I'd never considered. The cows are very light tan here, I wonder if they taste better, haha.

Views from the train

I was going to head into Fussen's Altstadt after checking in but decided to plan for tomorrow and wash clothes instead. Tomorrow's going to be a day full of great hiking and castle seeing on the 'Royal Walk'!

1. The walk up to Schloss Hohenschwangau is about 5 km (45-50 minutes) from the Bahnhof
2. The walk is then more of a hike of 40 minutes to Schloss Neuschwanstein; there's a 30 minute trail or 40 minutes 'walk/street' so I think I'll hike up and walk the street down. That way I see both and it satisfies my inane tendency to not come down the same way I go up.

I figure I'll do the Royal Walk during the day, then come down and explore the town a bit. There's also a big cemetery, and if I don't have the time tomorrow, I think I'll jog there Monday morning; it looks like a 20 minute walk, so the jog should only take 10 minutes.

I get a discount at the castles, both for 21Euro, and the tours take about 30 minutes. Or, I can do 11Euro each (these rates are reduced because I'm staying at the hostel!) in case I don't want to do both.... I'm torn, will walking around be enough? I've come all this way and I feel I really should do the tours.... even if they aren't in english, haha. I just inherently don't like tours because I can't wander, but in this case, unlike Ludwigsburg, I do feel like I'd be missing out. Ok, I'm going for it! When in Fussen.... you see castles!

Tentative Schedule cuz I enjoy planning:

6:30 Shower/Prep for the Day

7:00 Breakfast

7:30 Head to Castle H, buy tickets, do earliest tour, look about

12:00 Go to Castle N, tour, walk about and go to Marienbruke bridge

14:30 Head down to altstadt (take bus if tired), look about and pick a place for dinner, go back to shower

17:00 Dinner then explore cemetery and Misc

Great, this sounds very feasible! And doing the cemetery after dinner will be perfect :) Planning just gives me such a sense of 'goal'/'on a mission'. I love the drive; and yes, I'm fully aware that I'm justifying my own actions to myself, which is pure insanity, but this is my acceptance of myself. Good plan, little one, tomorrow promises to be another great one! I'm off to bed for my big day.

Travel Day 15: Friday, 06/29/2012

Afternoon-ish [I must have stayed in the sun too long upon writing this entry as I forgot the enter the time and also labeled the entry as 'Thursday 06/29/2011, when it was in fact Friday, 06/29/2012, haha]

I really must admit, I sit here in that beautiful [Heidelberg] park, in a bathing suit I picked up for 7 Euro at H&M in Bismarkplatz and having just gone for a dunk and sit in the sun, extremely proud of myself.

It started this morning when one of my hostelmates, and older lady from Cologne (Koln), and I instantly hit it off and we spent breakfast together. One of the first things she said to me was that she'd hiked from Frankfurt to Heidelberg yesterday, which instantly made me feel lazy as shit, haha, and extremely envious. For some reason, I felt drawn to open up to her. I admitted that I would love to do something like that but I struggle with an eating disorder as I've lost a lot of weight and worry I don't fuel my body adequately. She said it's all about balance, which I know but it's easier said than done!

We ate breakfast together and found that we both bulk at that meal to get a good start on the day. Also, because Germans eat meat/cheese sandwiches for breakfast, I made an olive loaf sandwich with tomato and cucumber for lunch! As we spoke, I found IW a true inspiration; she hikes all over, travels and works on cruises as a cultural lecturer for Pacific Islanders. She lived in Tahiti for about 30 years! She had a benign brain tumor removal surgery awhile ago and lucky to come out of it with all her faculties. Since [that experience] she's committed to leading life her way. She only mentioned her husband wasn't supportive when she became ill, and she had no ring. She's focused on herself and what she wants and I feel I'm doing the same; though we're both having to overcome our respective obstacles.

I asked IW if she'd like to meet for dinner and she said she'd have to eat early. I asked her what time and she said 18:00 to 19:00! Shit, that's a late dinner for me, which made me realize that that's part of why I go to bed early. It's just me, no need to resent that! Europeans, by nature, stay up late. Tonight, however, I may go for a beer somewhere, my tummy's doing much better. Anyway, it made me feel better about what was bothering me so much yesterday.

After my great breakfast I set off to explore Alstadt. I had to go pee so I broke down and got a coffee at Starbucks, which was so gross (even after 3 sweeteners and milk!) I had to toss it. After walking all around, I saw the tourist info and, on a whim, asked the cafe chick about black forest cake. She told me about Gundel around the corner, it's the oldest cafe in Heidelberg and she said if they didn't have it, no one would; they did! I took a piece to go and headed to the castle.

Evident from my pics, Schloss Heidelberg is absolutely breathtaking and very much worth 5 Euro! The building has somewhat collapsed in on itself and I just loved how it seems frozen in time. I walked around for about an hour, stopping for lunch and I only ate half of my cake! (I ate the rest while going to Clock World before the beach - this required a lot of public transportation transfers). I took a back way back down and saw a snail, one of the coolest things I've seen so far!

After that I headed to H&M and then Clock World - I want to buy a Cuckoo clock for Mom's birthday and have it shipped, but it didn't seem that kind of place, so I'll also look in Fussen cuz I think it's a bad ass idea. Then I came here and saw a topless chick and a really old dude wearing speedos. Ok, it's wicked hot so I'm gonna go for another dip and then read in the shade. I can only take so much sun!

OMG, I almost forgot to describe the black forest cake (Schwarzwalder Kirschtorte): The top layer of frosting was like butter cream, then there was a cream layer that was light and fluffy, followed by a chocolate layer with sweet fermented cherries and sort of strong booze, ending in a crispy layer; fucking tits! I know the booze cooks off but I swear I felt the heat. [I later found out that they don't cook off the booze, they straight-up soak it in booze prior to serving it!] It was so much more flavorful and less 'cakey' than the American, dried-out, version. The cherries were juicy and sweet, the cream layer was perfect and there wasn't much 'cake' at all. Definitely worth it, both money- and calorie-wise. I think I'm done with sweets for this trip though.... unless I see an irresistible German chocolate cake, but I haven't seen that anywhere. Gundel is a dangerous place by the way... I was so focused that I tried not to even read the other stuff, good Lord I wanted it all.

22:20

When I got back IW let me use her laptop so I didn't need to buy internet! But now I have a problem I didn't expect to have..... to much money, haha. I have 120 Euro left to spend in 2 days. I've been so good about saving that this is going to be difficult, but I do need to buy Mom something for her birthday and everyone else small stuff. Also, I can give some to SR (for PS) when I see him tomorrow, but me giving PS American money helps her more, so I think I'll just spend it :)

One thing I wanted to say about my initial meeting with IW; I told her how I always felt hungry and she replied that she just naturally got by on little food because there was never much to eat when she was growing up. I grew up with a lot of food, so it makes sense that I eat a lot. Our metabolisms are framed and trained during these years. It also reminds me that everyone is different - body types, activity levels, and corresponding caloric needs - I need to let these simple biological facts reassure my self-acceptance. I know how to take care of myself. Speaking of which, since I'm not taking the train to Stuttgart until 11:00, I'm going to run along the river tomorrow! I'm really excited about it. I welcome that freedom and power of Self feeling that always floods me during a run, it's why I do it.

IW and I went to a great place right next to the arch in Aldstadt for dinner. We both had the 'Servietten-Knodel mit Pfifferlingen an Salatbuket', which literally means Dumplings with Chantrelle mushrooms (fresh in-season!) and salad. It was salty but very good! What the name doesn't tell you is that the dumplings are pan-fried and the Chantrelles are cooked with bacon bits. The salad was served with a phenomenal balsamic - simply divine! We had great conversation and I'm so glad to have met her. She told me about the E1 trail which runs from Norway to Florence, Italy! Hello new life goal!

I'm meeting SR tomorrow and hanging with him from about noon to 15:30 before moving on to Fussen via Munich. Yay!

PS Thank you God! I noticed that just as I was bitching about the lack of society, You brought me IW.

Travel Plan for Saturday 06/30/2012:
1. Heidelberg (IC Train 11:10) to Stuttgart (11:50)
- Meet SR at tourist info area around noon
2. Stuttgart (ICE Train 15:12) to Munchen (17:27)
3. Munchen (17:51) to Fussen (19:56)

Thought of the Day 09/07/2014: Eight Hours of Self Worth

For the better part of two years I've worked at McDonald's on my days off from Hospira.  Initially the job functioned to assist in engraining myself into a new community, then as a mechanism for staying connected to my White Trash Faction roots and avoiding boredom at home in the absence of any other particularly interesting hobbies besides exercise, meticulous food preparation, and mind-numbing computer games. It's also extremely therapeutic to have a job where I can be generally offensive, swear to my hearts content, and slack off without fear of repercussions. Nonetheless, while standing at McDonald's the other night, decontaminating one of the 300 trays I was left to wash which second shift somehow failed to clean; no doubt they were too busy standing around flirting with any number of the recently returned intellectually stimulating college twerps, or supremely interesting drunk yokels who frequent our fine establishment, I surmised: I think there are more constructive things I should be doing with my time.

To say that my two vocations are dissimilar would be an extreme understatment. At Hospira I'm a Masters-level scientist trusted to test and validate the chemical quality of our pharmaceuticals, employing stringent procedures that vary from complicated to ridiculous involving dangerous chemicals and sophisticated analytical machinery. At McDonald's I'm a drive-thru order taker/cashier/toast and back cook (aka bona fide shit-taker) as I'm repeatedly yelled at by both managers or customers for any number of reasons. My favorite and most typical stimulus being that we've changed our prices and/or discontinued the production of some beloved nitrate and diabetes saturated semi-edible compound (aka the Hot n' Spicy McChicken). I also, very unfortunately, exhibit OCD tendencies which make it impossible for me to stop cleaning as I cannot relax in a work environment that borders on rancid. I revel in the irony that of the two jobs, one would have a difficult time deciphering which encompassed more chemical and biological hazards. Lastly, we're constantly playing the game of 'How many people will show up for their shift?,' the answer of which is always 'Not enough' which adds further burden to the already overstressed employees present, cultivating hostile attitudes. In taking all these factors into consideration and applying my initial speculative thought, I've concluded that it's now time to allocate those hours back to myself, even if it means sitting around staring listlessly at my own feet, which I consider a meditation of sorts. Though I despise assigning monetary value to my time because my job at McDonald's was never about making money; I can say with copious amounts of self-esteem that its worth more than $8.50/hour.

My central thesis, which I've done a piss-poor job of conveying up until now, is that that I now need this time to begin developing into the person I want to become because it sure as shit is not the person I am at present. Those 'constructive things' will encompass a series of new habits I will institute in the pursuit of obtaining these personal goals. What I want above all things is to be a more interesting person, one with intriguing hobbies and stimulating conversation; something more than a rigid workout rountine and fanatical diet. I want to move away from my narrow, neurotic, moderately agoraphobic, and anti-social life that I currently lead. All I talk and think about is food and exercise, what I'm going to eat and how I'm going to burn it off. I avoid social situations because I know I'm boring. Shit, I'm so sick of my own frenzied thoughts that I keep away from friends because I actually think I'm protecting them, fearing I might projectile vomit my neuroses all over them! I drive myself so crazy that I can't imagine imposing this crap on my loved ones. Trapped in that vicious circle of malicious thoughts it's easy to forget that my real friends would listen without judgement, offer me their support, and remind me that despite it all I am an interesting and funny person; entertaining them with the endless and effortless string of random bullshit that bounces along my vocal chords.

So, who do I want to be and how will I use my free time to evolve her? I want to be interesting, and what I find interesting is travel, foreign languages, cultures and cuisine, hiking and running, reading good sci-fi, experiential writing and people watching. I'm especially fond of writing as it is currently my one and only reprieve from food-obsessed thoughts; I also have an unerring Fuck filter in my writing that I seem hopeless in applying to my speech. My ideal scenario is completing a gorgeous trail run around Lake Alpsee (I've actually been there!) while listening to a dystopian society audio book, observing the oddities of other runners and jesting with them in their native tongue, then wittily writing about the experience on my blog; at some point I'll realize I haven't eaten in two days because I've been so satiated by life, then I'll go eat something exotic and delicious without a thought of the foods' caloric content.  Gone will be the days when I felt I was leading a trivial existence wrapped up in my pathetic monotonous routine, hurtful inner thoughts and harmful addictions, first world problems and fucking McDoubles.

Faction Identity

This article will be the first in a series entitled "Divergent Inspired Musings," all of which can be found under that label. Consequently, at least a superficial understanding of  this magnificent dystopian world created by Veronica Roth, via book (best) and/or motion film (good), is necessary to fully appreciate these introspections. Enjoy!

Though I'm not proud to admit this, I watched the movie prior to reading the book; as the film's plot progressed, I watched and wondered which faction I might identify with best. During their first meal at the Dauntless compound, Tris and her other faction transfers were talking and Christina, Candor-born, kept speaking in a brutally frank manner. Will, Erudite-born, iterated "You have to be pretty self-confident to hang out with a Candor," to which Christina replied "What's that supposed to mean?" Will: "You have no filter, you say the first thing that comes into your head." My friend and I instantly looked at each other and laughed as we confidently placed me within that faction. I also agreed with Christina's final retort, "at least we tell the truth." Indeed, to me the truth is of paramount importance; a quality I learned to hold sacred throughout a childhood of lies and disappointments. I vowed early to never lie, not to spare the feelings of others and not even to save my own life; but I have also come to understand that my truth is not always someone else's truth, and that I'd be better off learning when to keep that truth to myself, and to keep my mouth shut; a topic I visited previously in other musings (Refer to point #1, in particular). As an aside I'll mention that I was so impressed by the movie that I immediately set out to read the book series because, in my experience, the books are always better and these works were no exception to that general rule.

Perhaps the most intriguing aspect of this world is that at the age of 16 they take an aptitude test which tells them which faction they belong to innately, but then there is a choosing ceremony where, regardless of that result, they choose which faction to join. In analyzing how I might live among this dystopian society, knowing that my natural tendencies would undoubtedly place me among the Candor, I wondered whether or not it would be the faction I would choose for myself. My investigation took the following interesting points into consideration:

• Would one truly thrive living within a community composed of personality clones? 
• What happens when one chooses against their innate personality? Is change possible, or would one always feel like an outsider, a fake, or even a liar?
• Is it acceptable to excuse someone's shitty behavior based on typical faction conduct?

These are questions that everyone should evaluate for themselves, but I was a bit thrown by my own responses. I do, however, enjoy surprising myself because it signifies continued personal growth; without which life would be an impotent journey.

A Faction of Wild Cards?

The series describes the Candor as a group of highly argumentative people who venerate the truth and do not believe in secrets. Additionally, they feel entitled to judge others based on what they view as objective truth conjured by the use of a truth serum, under the influence of which people cannot lie. What I lack is the judgement aspect of that psyche, as well as an ardor for feuding. Frankly, I have no right to judge anyone, a topic I've previously touched upon; and while I honor the truth, I can't be bothered to argue about it. In fact, I actually refuse to argue; if I know someone is wrong, unless I believe remaining ignorant will hurt them in some form or fashion, I leave them to continue in their own line of reasoning. I understand and respect that everyone is different and believes alternative truths based on their unique set of experiences. Most importantly, I have no right to judge them on those experiences, so I allow them to keep believing what makes them comfortable and happy. For example, I know evolution to be true while others steadfastly insist Humans were created instantaneously by an amorphous Being. Their disbelief of evolution doesn't affect me in any tangible way other than superficial feelings of irritation, so I won't argue about it; their truth does not change my truth, so why argue?

Admittedly, I'm generally a Grade A Asshole. My personality is riddled with defects a typical Candor would likewise possess; I'm stubborn, hopelessly selfish, devoid of sympathy, largely uncompromising, and frank to the point of inappropriate. In fact, I lack one of the most critical qualities which might enable me to live among a group of such people: Patience. I'm not equal to handling a community of members who share my pronounced character flaws; it would simply be exhausting. Consequently, I'd likely choose to leave.

Faction Before Blood

As a rule, and in a vain attempt to mitigate the defects detailed above, I seek self-improvement. Consequently, I believe it would be difficult to improve my personality if I chose to surround myself with people who harbor the traits I wish to alter. In doing so I would essentially outgrow my faction, become less like them and more alien should I prove successful in my endeavors. Instead, I would chose a faction that cultivates the characteristics I wish to instill in myself such as patience, humility, selflessness and unfailing kindness. These traits belong to the Abnegation faction; Tris's faction of origin. Despite my sincere desire to ingrain these attributes into my personality, however, I fear that living among those who embody them naturally would make me feel inadequate rather than empowered; getting closer to obtaining those habits, yet never quite owning them. Could I 'fake it til I make it'? Can I truly recondition my personality? Or would I ultimately feel like a liar, unable to properly embed myself into the society.

While I want to believe I can and will change, I'm not convinced that I could switch factions without lingering feelings of regret regarding my decision, as well as estrangement between me and my new community members. Obviously, I really don't have a concrete answer for this series of esoteric questions, but meditating on them gives me hope and keeps me positive; small changes are possible, but permanently amending innate mannerisms, what we bring as Beings into this life, are not likely to leave us without significant motivation. 

That's Just Candor

The answer to this one is simple for me. While others may choose to be victims of their intrinsic personality traits and/or expect to be pardoned using their faction's celebrated characteristics, relying on the assumption that they just don't know any better, I choose to take responsibility for mine independent of any societal-imposed identity. Critically, this does not mean that I always act and speak with a high degree of decorum. Conversely, anyone who has interacted with me for more than 5 minutes will tell you otherwise; and yes, I often make questionable decisions.  I strive to avoid excusing my behavior, however; I'd rather accept the consequences on my own terms and live them out knowing it's what I deserve. This is the only way I can hope to learn from poor behavior and mistakes in general.

[WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AHEAD]

Here's a fun example: I love saying Fuck; it's without a doubt my favorite word. It's versatile and, for me, bestows humor unto otherwise mundane conversations. This partiality is mainly due to my beloved Grandfather's impressive, albeit excessive, use of the word which imparted a fondness that I find increasingly difficult to uproot. I learned the word young and its use has been a quintessential aspect of my language since I was 5 years old; and though my overuse of the word has certainly done me more harm than good, its place in my vernacular has remained steadfast. Recently, due to a plethora of reasons, I've become almost committed to cutting it from my vocabulary. Now on Earth, if there were factions, my faction of origin would be best described as "White Trash." Yes, identifying myself as White Trash would excuse my chronic use of this otherwise distasteful and inadmissible word, but since I chose to leave that identity behind many moons ago (and I didn't need an aptitude test to tell me to leave), allowing this aspect of that identity to persist is hardly acceptable. Besides, I don't say Fuck because my family uses it, I say it because I CHOOSE to keep using it. I'll own it's proving to be an extremely difficult habit to break, but I will persist until I eventually succeed or I end up saying "Fuck it." Yet, I will never excuse the behavior based on anything other than my own decision to keep saying it regardless of its negative connotations.

What's interesting is that in reading this through I'm now coming to realize why I don't feel like I fit in anywhere, and never really have; I seek continual changes within my personality in the endless pursuit of self improvement. I've never felt like I belonged where I came from, nor do I feel like I fit in where I am now; perhaps this is what provoked my decision to become a Kiwi. In the end the result is that I'm cautious of societies that share my own characteristics, but neither do I feel part of any other community; their innate behaviors something I can not replicate.  Truly, I'm factionless.